FOR THE BROTHAS: AN INTRODUCTION

It must have been about 20 years ago when I first began thinking about creating a "Cultural Salon" as a reaction to the mundane social circles In Washington D.C. The richness of intellectual and artistic interchange had died, college friends had moved, the internet had not yet become the phenomenon it now is... I romanticised about the Salons of the mid to late 1800's in Paris, London and Berlin and the cultural dynamo of the Harlem Rennaisance. I was fortunate enough to meet a gentleman, an artist who lived and traveled with James Baldwin... Jimmy he affectionately called him, and he spoke often of their small cottage in southern France and of the many Artists, Poets and Luminaries that dropped in to chat and relax. Well, the impressionists, cubists, modernists, etc. all hung out together famously in those days and shared their ideas with one another creating a creative greenhouse in a world that was rapidly changing. I longed to have lived in those times, to have met Cassat, Rodin, Ellington, Fitzgerald, Baker, Balwin, well I did finally meet Baldwin and others purely for the joy of intellection upon the arts. This was in the late 1980's and by the mid 2000's I happened to run into a friend of mine from Hampton University who had been living in New York since he graduated in the early 90s. Well, I was surprised to hear him comment that in all of the wonder that is New York he never met anyone who ever really had anything interesting to say about art, literature, architecture, science, fashion or anything... I was so surprised to hear this since it had also been my experience. Well here I am in 2011 attempting the Virtual Salon...

Thursday, January 26, 2012

HOW TO DETERMINE IF HE IS "RELATIONSHIP MATERIAL"

There is certainly nothing the matter with being on a mission to find a partner in this lonely world. But it has been my observation that many men are so focused on hearing what they want to hear as soon as possible that they miss or discard women or men who might potentially be their soulmates and in some cases they may actually be scaring them away. 













 
When I converse with someone whom I have never met before, and we know practically nothing about one another it is always a stunning surprise for them to ask me if I am looking for a relationship.  Gentlemen must be careful not to ask questions that are too personal before they have got to know an acquaintance well.   If you take your time slowly earning entry into someone’s private affairs you will know the appropriate moment to ask about their relationship status.  Until a man chooses to share his personal affairs with you, you should assume nothing that has not been clearly and freely laid upon the table for your information.   A man who hastily asks personal questions will appear to be in a desperate and undignified state commonly known as, “Hunting Mode”.  If you do not want to give the impression that you are merely interested in sex refrain from making your newly found acquaintance feel as if they are being predated.  This can often be perceived as scary or even crazy to those who just want to chat and get a feel for who you are and what you have to say about yourself and the world in which you live.

The irony becomes uncomfortably apparent when men who only minutes before claimed to be laid back, conservative, homebodies, old-fashioned, etc., etc., etc., begin an all-out campaign to push a date or potential date into a corner, bombarding them with heavy, conditional queries thinly guised as ultimatums and far too personal and site-specific to be logical at the initial point of contact.   The proper approach is to take it easy with a polite and friendly meet and greet conversation.  Think about this Brothas… even if a date is interested in having a relationship it is far too early for them to honestly know if they want one with you.  Assuming you are not the only man he or she is dating his answer may be yes, but perhaps with someone else in mind and therefore the answer, “ yes”,  not relating to you.  Trust what you see and not what you hear gentlemen.  At this early juncture when you are just sharing your first conversations you have not heard or seen anywhere near enough to make any judgment calls… so chill it out!   Enjoy the slow, quiet ride or bail…

What if after asking if a man if he is interested in being in a relationship he replies with an unequivocal no! He is not at all interested in developing a relationship at this time.   If a man replies with any answer other than a concrete and certain yes then he probably means no! Right... Maybe?  The answer is, since you do not know this man from Adam it is far too early to say with any degree of accuracy so best to let it go or to not ask the question at all! But if he clearly replies with a no then you should respect his honesty and politely drop the subject rather than press him for an explanation or justification for his candid clarification.  Likewise gentlemen, if you find that someone you have just met has managed to get you into a conversation about your nuptial prospects you can and should politely shut them down by either deliberately changing the subject or informing them that that is a subject you feel is far too personal to discuss at the time and that you would like to focus on less weighty matters to see if you even like one another enough to continue talking or meeting in person.   This is what a gentleman would do rather than embarrass his new acquaintance or encourage them to continue with an uncomfortable or inappropriate subject.  A gentleman does not pry into another’s personal affairs.  Remember gentlemen that the person you have just met may already be in a relationship.   It is always best to let others freely offer information of a personal matter.  This lets you know that they are comfortable discussing this with you.  If a man has not shared some personal business with you then it is safe to assume he has no intention of sharing it and you should respect his right to privacy.

 But the man who is on a mission, who is on the hunt, will be compelled to shut down all operations when he hears no or anything like a no because that is not what he wants to hear!  When I think of how many potential soulmates were mistakenly discarded after a failed, overly presumptuous, overly assertive, overly aggressive, all-out frontal attack was unsuccessfully launched it makes my head spin.  Some of these men are the very ones who lament never meeting men or women who are relationship oriented… but the fact of the matter is they never gave these people any reasonable and respectable time to work their way toward that end.  These men are all about the sloppy business of scaring a good thing away!  The brand is typified by a long series of short-lived flings two-week monogamies, six month monogamies, etc., etc., etc., it makes my head spin…

Let me take some time to discuss the nature of the short-termed relationship.  It usually doesn’t take very long for two people who do not know each other to determine they are incompatible.  Rushing into a half-baked relationship assuming the image but not having developed its substance is the quintessential diagnosis of a failed romance.  There are two ways in which these ill-fated flings get started to begin with.  In scenario one there is one person on the prowl and the other is prey lured and virtually coerced into a situation under duress usually to satisfy the continual insistence of the other party.  Many people figure… Oh well… what the heck… thinking it will fill in a current void in their lives and will be easy enough to extricate themselves if and when the time comes or in many cases when someone more viable comes along.  What can I say Brothas… Don’t let anyone force you into something you are not ready for.  The second scenario is when both parties, blinded by a rose-petaled rain of cupidity talk each other into a relationship neither of them are prepared for. Usually, but not always the fast relationship is fueled more by a combination of natural sexual attraction and an inherent misunderstanding of the personal needs of each.  Nobody needs to be in a relationship; hastily entering a relationship to justify having sex, (as if it could disqualify the possibility of random sex),  is a poor substitute for taking time to develop a more finely crafted relationship based upon mutual friendship, respect and a common interest and investment in the maintenance of a healthy relationship.  When it gets to the point that you are having a different lover every week or six weeks or six months the cumulative effect is the same as if you just had a series of random sex encounters.   There is nothing wrong with having random sex by the way; in my opinion, it is the adult choice of each man to manage and take ownership of the dynamics of his own libido.  But constantly changing boyfriends or girlfriends indicates a serious misunderstanding of some of the most fundamental elements of a mature, healthy and long-lasting relationship.  In Scenario one the prey is not absolved from equal responsibility merely because they failed to effectively say and enforce the concept of “NO”!  But it is possible that one party, blind sighted but sincere, has been craftily deceived and upon discovery of some violation of the hasty covenant they have arranged terminates the treacherous association.  The other spin to scenario one is when one of the two parties just get dumped.  In such a case the wronged party cannot be held responsible for the brevity of their love; at least not the first time.  But when it becomes a recurring theme they may be held as guilty as Cain.  If you are lucid enough to recognize this or any other combination of dysfunctional trends in your relationships that cause them to be short-lived then it is time to take hiatus, step back for a while to analyze the past few partners and the elements defining the relationship you developed with them.  Sometimes it helps to talk it out with a close friend but only you can make the final synthesis and evolve your approach to dating and the establishment of what we generally call “relationships”.

At the other end of the spectrum are Brothas who have been messing around forever but never seem to be able to get a coherent relationship to gel.  They have perhaps discussed the possibility but have never really given it any serious thought or application.  There is really no compromise for taking time to begin to develop and refine yourself so that you can bring the proper skills-sets to the table the next and every time theoretically that you enter into a new relationship.  Having a busy work schedule combined with a hectic personal life is absolutely not an excuse for developing self.   And Brothas, it is really about being honest with yourself about even having the intent to sacrifice other aspects of your life to focus on and develop your relationship skills sets.  Just as surely as I was going to write “If you know you are not ready to handle the serious dynamics of a relationship you should not enter into one” I realized that men who are not mature enough for relationships are the last ones to know because they have never done the critical exercise of self-examination.  This is all the more reason Brothas why you must take time to carefully examine your potential lover to see if he or she has got the skills sets needed to make good on your time investment.

It may be possible to wait too-long to pop the question, by which time it becomes moot because some sort of weird arrangement passing as a relationship has already been allowed to establish itself.  I have observed relationships that have existed for many years but have never developed into anything of real substance.  Relationships with married or committed people easily fall into this category.  Couples who live independently but share intermittent episodes of loving and living together, if only on weekends, then revert to their normal lives often but not always compounded with having relationships  are a hallmark of this condition.  The problem is that this convenient pattern has gone on too long without being challenged to upgrade itself.    

Now all of this talk about when to pop the question, when to consider the question, when it is too late to entertain the question, how to avoid being cornered into the question, how not to hound or press anyone with the question, how and when to ask the question has led us to the whole point in this conversation, “How Do You Know If A Man Is Relationship Material”?

You can never truly know if a man is relationship material when you first meet, that is something that must be time-proven within the context of some coherent and functional relationship; not guessed or speculated or fantasized.  You must first put the good time in and get to know a Brotha sufficiently to get some confidence about his relationship building and relationship maintenance skills.  How much time?  Well, the amount of time it will take you to sufficiently get to know another person well enough to trust them to a high degree of comfort with the stewardship of your well-being will differ with every potential couple.  But I can tell you that without putting in the quality time you are wasting it…  Unfortunately, Many Brothas want an instant hot meal and do not want to pay this time-investment, the results can be and often are disastrous when they do not!  So there is an ironic relevance to the cliché, “You will know when it’s the right time” as well as, “You will know when it’s not the right one”! 

So let me set some more concrete parameters for my readers to wrap their minds around other than old clichés…

A MAN IS PROBABLY GOOD RELATIONSHIP MATERIAL WHEN OVER A REASONABLE PERIOD OF TIME:

1.       HE HAS BECOME A FRIEND AND CONFIDANT AND HAS DEMONSTRATED THIS QUALITY ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS WHEN YOU WERE IN NEED.

2.       HE HAS DEMONSTRATED HONESTY, LOYALTY AND DEPENDABILITY ON MANY OCCASIONS WHEN YOU WERE IN NEED.

3.       HE TAKES YOU INTO CONSIDERATION IN ALL HIS PLANS ESPECIALLY WHEN HE KNOWS THEY WILL DIRECTLY AFFECT YOU AND HE HAS DEMONSTRATED RESPECT FOR YOU TIME, HAPPINESS AND WELL BEING.

4.       HE UNDERSTANDS THE IMPORTANCE OF QUALITY TIME AND IS ALWAYS EAGER TO SPEND QUALTIY TIME WITH YOU AND/OR ALLOW YOU TO HAVE QUALITY TIME TO YOURSELF.

5.       HE IS A SOLUTIONS-BASED PERSON WHO IS GENUINELY INTERSTED IN WORKING OUT PROBLEMS MUTUALLY RATHER THAN AVOIDING THEM AND HE HAS A PROVEN REPERTOIRE OF EFFECTICE PROBLEM SOLVING SKILLS.

6.       HE IS GENUINELY INTERESTED IN YOU, IN PLEASING, RESPECTING YOU AND MAKING YOU HAPPY.  THIS QUALITY OUTWEIGHS NEGATIVITY, SELFISHNESS AND MEANNESS, HE IS WELL ROUNDED.

7.       BEING TOGETHER WHILE NOT ALWAYS PERFECT HAS A PROVEN RECORD OF BEING SEAMLESS AND EFFORTLESS MOST OF THE TIME YOU ENJOY ONE ANOTHERS COMPANY,  YOU ENJOY ONE ANOTHER AS COMPANIONS AND HAVE THE PROVEN ABILITY TO SHARE THE SAME SPACE AND LIVE TOGETHER WITH A HIGH LEVEL OF COMPATABLILITY. 

8.       HE SATISFIES YOUR NEED FOR COMPANIONSHIP AND INTIMACY AND HE GENUINELY ENJOYS BEING INTIMATE WITH YOU WHETHER IT INCLUDES SEX OR NOT. 

9.       HE IS A GENUINELY POSITIVE MINDED PERSON AND FRIENDLY SO THAT WHEN YOU ARE IN PUBLIC HE IS PROUD TO BE YOUR MATE, AND IS RESPECTFUL AND CONSIDERATE AMIDST OTHER PEOPLE AND IN DIFFERENT SETTINGS. 

10.   HE HAS ESTABLISHED ETHICS AND IS A PRINCIPLED MAN WITH A HEALTHY MATURE PHILOSOPHY ON LIFE WHICH HE ENDEVORS TO LIVE AND HAS A PROVEN RECORD OF DOING SO.

11.   HE IS RESPECTUFL OF YOUR FAMILY, FRIENDS, COLLEAGUES AND OCCUPANTION AND IS A PROVEN SOURCE OF STRENGTH AND SUPPORT WITH RESPECT TO THE INEVITABLE ISSUES THAT WILL ARISE WITH FAMILY FRIENDS AND WORK. 

12.   HE CONTRIBUTES TO AND PRTICIPATES EQUALLY WITH RESPECT TO ANY SHARED FINANCIAL OR PROPERTY RELATED MATTERS. 

Brothas, when I reviewed this list it became clear to me that I was unerringly correct about putting in that essential time.  All of these twelve factors determining if a man is relationship material require a great deal of serious time to verify; there’s no way around it!  Before you make a judgment about whether any man is interested or capable of being in a serious relationship based on this criterion you would do well to ask yourself if you qualify?  If you are not willing to put in the time to find a partner then maybe it is you who are not relationship material!  A gentleman never forces an issue on another gentleman especially when it involves a matter as personal and sensitive as the formation of a bond between to consenting adults.  This, my Brothas, must be mutually agreed upon and the details carefully worked out over time and when it is time for this fortuitous discussion to be had… it will not be uncomfortable or awkward… because if the gentleman for which you are serious about forming a relationship is indeed the right one for you he will have already come to the same revelation as you… and your combined natural interest in making this happen will drive the formation of a truly sound relationship. 



Written by D. Vollin 1-25-12

1 comment:

  1. This post is definitely always on time. This speaks to the core of my beliefs on relationships. It does my heart good to know that I am not alone. Thanks!

    ReplyDelete