PERFECTING THE FINE-ART OF BEING SOMEONES VALENTINE

Valentine’s Day is only a chocolate-heart toss away gentlemen... have you got your sexy Valentine’s Day lingerie, Bottle of champagne, two sexy flutes or goblets, luscious Godiva or to make you feel sexy and single on that special day?  I’ll bet you’ve got all kinds of sexy surprises that you've been planning to spring on your Valentine this year... Before you do, let’s have a tete a tete, a man to man discussion about the whole thing.  My purpose is not to doubt your ability to work your magic, I just want to help you add that extra sparkle and finesse to your masterwork.   

This Valentine’s Day How about designing an experience that is all about “Him”.  Make a special gesture to show that amazing man in your life how much you really appreciate his presence.  Even if you think you have it all worked out it is never too late to add a few well-placed refinements to your plans.  In the romance trade we call this “Sizzle & Spark”! But before you start or make one more refinement let’s just discuss something that I think never gets discussed, “How to be the perfect Valentine”!

I’d bet more than a wooden nickel that most gentlemen have never asked themselves this question.  They have operated for years upon the assumption that just by working their “Handsome” they could generate enough sizzle and spark to carry the day.  That may be true for rookies who’s game will get predictable after a few times up to bat but a seasoned professional knows that every good Valentine has established some fundamental goals and objectives to keep them on top of their game.  As I understand it the general goal is to spend quality time with just one special person.  But the professional aesthete who treats love and romance as if it were a fine art would never settle for such a generic mark against his reputation as a lover.  He would take Valentine’s Day and the coveted role of “Valentine” on as an opportunity to bring a special quality of pleasure to his beloved whilst conquering yet another level of expertise in the expression of the arts of passion and eroticism.  Personally I’ve always liked Valentine’s Day because it makes a clear departure from The Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s holiday season.   Beautiful but exhausting, those holidays are all about a crowd.  A superb and refined Valentine understands that the objective is to carve out a place of uniqueness allowing him Valentine to pamper his lover using one of the oldest techniques in the book… sexiness, sensuality and a big old fashioned dollop of love.

In order to pull off ones official goals and objectives a Valentine needs to fully understand the role of the “Valentine”.  Only then will they have any hope of being proficient in the execution of the primary directive…  The “Primary Directive,” is the overall theme driving the Valentine’s Day experience and in this case it is all about romance, looking, feeling and being sexy.  Just remember one important thing… In the role of “Valentine gentlemen, it is not all about you… it’s all about your Valentine.  Everything you do from looking, smelling, and acting sexy is for your Valentine’s pleasure first since you have decided to put them upon a pedestal on that day.  The trick is to also enjoy the experience so that it does not become a job, but rather a pleasure…

 If The Godfather was interviewed about the role of a Valentine he would say,

“If it’s one thing you gotta know about the job of a Valentine, it’s that he’s gotta have a plan and it also would not hurt to have a few business partners to help him execute his primary directive…. Except that a Valentine always has work alone! Others, they can ask for help… but not a Valentine, he has to do it by himself and he has to do it right!  There’s a lot at stake here so he’s got to know the business and do what is good for business.  Only then can he say he is a man, but in this case a “Valentine”!

Throughout the history of Valentine’s Day the role played by the “Valentine” has never been clearly defined.  For instance, which one of a couple, (if any or not both), assumes the primary role of “The Valentine”?    Even more intriguing is the question, “what do we call the person who says to the other, “Be My Valentine”?” Can we refer to them as the Valentinee’ and the other guy who gets asked becomes the Valentinor?  I think it is safe to refer to both parties as “Valentine” since they are equals in adoration.  But in the case where on Valentine takes charge to direct the course of Valentine’s Day there are some special responsibilities they must assume in order to do justice to their mission.  Make no mistake that outside the realm of trading cards in grade-school the adult version of Valentine involves being sexy.  So the first standard a Valentine must uphold is the art of being sexy.  Gentlemen, when I tell you that no great amount of cologne, silk playboy lingerie, Moet, candles and caviar can help you if you have not mastered the fine art of being sexy I would be deceiving you.  But please do allow me to add that being yourself… is in most cases all the sexy you will ever need to the one who loves you.  The Valentine is also very much in control, having planned-out to the last erotic detail, the entire experience in which they will court their Valentine afresh.  Being a Valentine is almost like going back to that first date when things started to get serious.  The honeymoon, the heavy courtship, the consummation of love…  Except that the sophisticated Valentine knows he is far removed from that early time, having time to enhance his arsenal of lovemaking and romancing skills; he knows the experience will not be retro… but be stellar! 

Our Valentine will dress and act their part to the nines and be attractive, comfortable and natural...  And A good Valentine will make sure that their Valentine is well dressed for this occasion.  Leave no detail to chance! It is your job to play up the details!  

Of course traditional approach has been for the man to entreat his Valentine to submit to being pampered by him alone but the sexual revolution has changed everything.   Clearly the old rules have been revised to become culturally relevant.  Here are the new rules that respect the cultural updates of the sexual revolution:

·         Each one of a couple is equally regarded as a “Valentine.”

·         It is appropriate for a woman to assume the primary role of the one who “Woos” her lover, (if he is a man), presenting him with romantic offerings and assuming the chief role in organizing and administering those offerings.

·         It does not matter which one of a couple assumes the primary role as “Valentine”  but if one does it then becomes their responsibility to handle all of the details including handling whatever expenses are incurred.  The purpose of being the head Valentine is to allow the other Valentine to completely relax and enjoy the day. 

·         It is perfectly acceptable for both Valentines to go “Dutch” splitting the expenses of the day. 

·         A bachelor or bachelorette may have as many Valentines as he/she can manage gracefully.  But a gentleman is careful to plan his meetings discretely so that his Valentines are never aware of one another or in the same place at the same time.

·         It is not appropriate for a man or woman who is engaged, married or even involved seriously with another person to present romantic Valentines offerings to anyone except their husband, fiancée or beau but they may accept offerings from others as follows:

·         A friendly Valentine’s Day card may be sent to a married man or woman but only when addressed to the couple and only from a very close mutual friend of the couple especially if the sender is not married.  This same rule applies to the sending of a Valentine to and engaged couple or a couple who are intimately involved. 

·         Under no circumstances should a single man or woman ever send a Valentine to a married involved man or woman or an intimately involved couple if they are not extremely close to them both. 

·         If one of a married or involved couple receives a Valentine from someone who is not mutually befriended by the couple they will accept the Valentine and send a thank you note through the mail with both of their cards included in the envelope.  The letter should be plain and say simply, “Mr. and Mrs. Coupled thank you for the Valentine’s card.”

·         The perfect Valentine only chooses one Valentine to be his and dotes his care and affection upon only them. 

·         If a man or woman who is married, engaged or involved seriously in a relationship is having an affair they should seriously consider nixing Valentine’s Day completely until they handle their business as a mature adult; first by notifying their wife, fiancée or lover they are having an affair.   A gentleman who has determined he will end one relationship for whatever reason always concludes one relationship before beginning another.  It is even wisest to take a hiatus from any relationship before resuming another.  A man or woman who is conducting multiple Valentine’s Day services within the context of a mature relationship regardless of the variables is haphazard and indiscrete not to mention disrespectful of all parties involved.   In a mature context Valentine’s day is intended to be devoted to only one special person, each add on dilutes the specialness of the occasion so single people who allow themselves to accept a a  diluted Valentine must ask themselves where their self-esteem has gone?  Its tantamount to being given a used Valentine’s Day card that someone has scratched multiple names out writing over them each  time the card is given to a different beau; Not a very  distinguished and romantic way to spend Valentine’s Day right?.

·         If a man or woman who is married, engaged or involved in a relationship is having an affair and they will not be guided by mature and decent principles of mutual respect they must at least prioritize family before fling!  If they celebrate Valentine’s Day with an outside partner it should not be on February 14^th but either the day before or after out of respect for their partner.  Furthermore it should be discreetly executed so as not to bring insult or public critique to their partner.  I always encourage being up-front with your partner about any outside affairs so that they can be managed in a civilized manner.  If you cannot devote Valentine’s Day exclusively to the one with whom you are partnered then you should consider terminating the relationship altogether or initiating an open one that will give the same options to your partner.  A gentleman never lies to the one he loves or has loved simply because he is too afraid or inconsiderate to deal with the consequences of notifying them that his feelings and actions have changed.  This is the dark side of Valentine’s Day.  We all know of at least one person like this, it may even be you.  Hiding behind the sanguine and pink satin pillowed candy boxes of a Valentine’s Day fantasy will not make this reality go away!  Better that we confront it! For the life of me I cannot understand why anyone would sink to such a raggedy and deceitful expression of Valentine, but like everything else in this world there is a good side and a bad one…

·         If your Valentine does not have the time, consideration, affection and respect to devote his Valentine’s Day experience to you without any conditions, reservations, or logistical summersaults with his personal affairs, if he is not able to proclaim you as his Valentine publicly, willingly, without anyone else being able to claim legitimate rights then you need to have your head examined!  You and he are not Valentines; you do not fit the qualifications by any stretch of the imagination! I say this because a true “Valentine” is a very special person who has made a very special loving and self-giving commitment to another person that should not be mocked by sloppiness, insincerity and buffoonery! Gentlemen, just as  surely as I have lovingly explicated the qualities and conditions that constitute what can be classified as a “Perfect Valentine” one to be studied, admired and imitated, let me also tell you that the aforementioned is a classic example of a false, spurious caricature of that very ideal!

But I don’t want to digress too far on the impact of the sexual revolution on interpersonal dynamics in early twenty-first century American culture.  I want to discuss how to be the ideal Valentine and how to give your man the very finest Valentine’s Day experience he has ever had and that is a tall order.   It might help to understand the evolution of the tradition a bit more but that is entirely another story.  So let us discuss what a great Valentine is and does.

The first order of magnitude for a Valentine is to determine a “Theme.”   The theme will be the driving force behind the entire Valentine’s Day enterprise and therefore it should be something informed by your Valentine’s unique personality.  This should be the easiest part since you already know his preferences and character.  So you may choose a broad topic for your theme such as “Chocolate” knowing that your Valentine loves chocolate and even refine it to something like “Dark Chocolate” if you know he has a preference.  The idea is to pay attention to the smaller details in order to fully develop your theme.  Everything should clearly relate back to the central theme, for instance, the menu should include some chocolate items such as a chocolate martini or a chocolate dessert.  Be sure to organize the menu to include foods your Valentine loves best.  If you are eating out and cannot control the menu be sure to bring party favors, a table centerpiece, confetti, etc., to personalize the table according to the theme.  My suggestion is that if you make reservations ahead of time purchase the items you intend to use to decorate the table as early in advance as possible and bring them to the restaurant the day before or prior to arriving and then make an excuse to get away from your Valentine while he is waiting to be seated so that you can set the table.  Most restaurants will accommodate you but be sure to call and check ahead or while you are making reservations and get the managers name who will be working on Valentine’s Day so that you can make him aware of the arrangements.  Those of you who know the craziness of the retail industry will be careful to call the restaurant the day before and the day of to be sure the manager  will actually be on shift when you arrive or contact his replacement.  The restaurant business moves so fast that if you haven’t made your special accommodations known staff will not have time to make allowances for them.  In most cases Valentine’s Day is one of the busiest days of the year for a fine restaurant and you are only another name on a long reservation list… Don’t take offense… that’s the way of the world…  So you have to be on  top of things, you don’t have time to be scrambling around even if the restaurant does not have its thing together you must! This means that such items as boutonnières, corsages, cards and inscriptions, engravings, balloons must be ordered and purchased well in advance.  If you ordered something special such as a gift cake or pastry and it did not arrive on time don’t mention it to your Valentine… Work it out by working around it and when it arrives later just present it to your lover with the explanation that it is a post-Valentine’s Day surprise.  If both of you intend on sharing the role as chief “Valentine” you will have to compromise on a theme.  One good idea for sharing is to break the day or evening up so that you both get a chance to pamper one another.  This of course means you will now have two themes that you will enjoy coordinating together. 

Now you have a working theme that gives your role as Valentine raison d’etre.  You can begin to develop the second phase of the event, determine the setting.  What good is a theme without a setting?  The answer is that you cannot have a viable Valentine’s theme without someplace sexy, private and romantic for the action to unfold. 

If you really want to create a romantic Valentine’s Day experience uniquely tailored to your woman or man look at settings that offer private accommodations.  Strike family restaurants crowded bars and other such gregarious places off the list.  You don’t want to have intimate conversation with everyone within a five foot radius zoomed in to your every syllable; that’s not sexy!  So an open restaurant floor plan is also out!  You don’t want to have to compete with the music or other couples conversations either so noisy venues are stricken from the list.  If you are going to eat out what you want is a restaurant with a private booth sequestered in a low-traffic area, you will not find these exclusive accommodations the day before Valentine’s Day if you wait too late to make reservations unless you are a celebrity so start calling and visiting restaurants early on and make your reservations with exclusive instructions for a particular table.   If you are hopping from venue to venue this means you will really have to move decisively in order to pull it off.  Having dinner and entertainment at home is of course the most intimate and convenient of contexts.  You will never have to worry about interruptions, noise, eavesdropping or any other rude distractions in the privacy of your own home.  The only problem with having Valentine’s Day dinner and entertainment at home is that it’s too familiar and ordinary… In order to make it sexy, romantic and extraordinary you will have to transform the interior to look completely different.  This will take lots of time, money and work so be honest about your time and level of commitment to this gargantuan task!  If you need a break from the domicile think about renting a hotel room or suite just for the night and setting up camp there.  You can bring everything you want to the hotel room even cooking at home and bringing the food there ahead of time.  And the best part about it is that you won’t have to clean up the mess!

If you are equally sharing the responsibility of “Valentine” you must both decide what events you will include in your Valentine’s Day Celebration, for instance, you might plan a successive evening going to different places for each phase; first cocktails, then dinner, dessert and coffee, a movie, then off to spend the night in a posh hotel suite.  Draw straws; flip a coin, whatever you wish to determine who gets to select and plan which events.   Remember that you are still bound to a theme so you will need to put your heads together before or after selecting and dividing up the events to make sure that you have stayed true to a theme both of you genuinely love.

No matter how grandly you decide to celebrate Valentine’s Day remember that the intent is for you both to be refreshed, entertained and romanced with a minimum of stress.  Keep it simple Valentines! You should not end up becoming a waiter or indentured servant to your Beau.  You should both be free to relax and just let the frolics begin.  If you have planned to cook or prepare a special dish do it well in advance, give yourself time to get sexy and have a cocktail in private to unwind so you can be as leisurely and sensuous as your Valentine.  If necessary, hire a maid for just a few hours or ask for assistance from the hotel staff to server dinner, drinks etc., in your hotel room and be sure to tip them well.  If you have decided to go out on the town, planning to hit several spots do not hesitate to relax and stay at one place that just seems “Right” for the evening rather than disturb the magic of the moment but be sure to excuse yourself to cancel any outstanding reservations.

It finally comes down to the details, when carefully planned, executed and reflected upon that will make your tenure as “Valentine Extraordinaire” a remarkable and memorable one so do not skimp on any of them.  As the Valentine it is your role to plan and host the experience from beginning to end.  The selection of a theme and choosing of a setting are only the first important duties of the Valentine.  Organizing all of the many details that will pull the experience together is truly an art.  Before it is over you may need to contract the services of a professional event planner but not if you keep it simple.  So, “Keep It Simple”! Remember that I told you this… because simplicity is often the foundation of elegance.  You can break up the broad list of details into two easy and logical categories; Design and Economy:

·         DESIGN: The overall picture of what you want to do.

1.      Aesthetics: specific details of how things will look when you carry out the theme of the design.

2.      Logistics: The practical structure of the design in which location, distance, size and content issues are solved.

·         ECONOMY:  Critical/finite factors that limit/define the scope/effect of the design and logistical issues.

1.      Budget: Cost-efficiency analysis of one design versus another.

2.      Time: Efficiency analysis of sequential design.

Design is the overall category that includes the Theme, Setting and all of the support elements.  The design organizes the many details of the various support elements into a coherent structure.  For instance, the theme is “Chocolate” so The Valentine has selected places that have amazing chocolate themed cocktails, beverages, entrées and desserts to create the aesthetic.  Furthermore, at each location different varieties of gourmet chocolates will be used to decorate the table including edible red and white heart-shaped chocolate confetti.  The logistics involved include planning details such as the securing of reservations, selection and ordering of chocolates, confetti, etc., the planning and coordination of the reservations times, visiting the sites and meeting with managers to secure seamless arrangements including the location of the table or booth and the selection of the menu. 

A good Valentine is conscious of his budget and carefully plans the event so that it will be both enjoyable and affordable.  This means shopping for prices, comparing menus and negotiating with managers to get specials and discounts on extras.  The Valentine who can make an inexpensive investment look expensive, romantic and luxurious is the winner by a mile.  The Valentine is also charged with making decisions about the feasibility of certain elements of the design other than costs.  For instance if it will take too long or it will involve too much time and energy for some special detail to be realized it must either be substituted with something more practical or nixed altogether.  Let’s say for instance that the Valentine has ordered special engraved Valentine’s Day Champagne flutes and not only are they expensive but they will not arrive until Valentine’s Day, nobody will be at home to receive them and arrangements cannot be made to have them earlier due to a backlog in orders.  You shopped for them online but went to a local gift shop after calling around and not only found a nicer pair but they were 40% cheaper on sale.  Having them in your hands prior to the day was so much more convenient because you were going to be in meetings all day and would have had to leave directly from work to meet your Valentine for cocktails.  The opportunity cost of changing your plans was one that saved you money and time. 

Devote more attention to the quality of the experience than expense or extravagance.  Anyone can throw lots of money at an event.  A person who is used to expensive accommodations will be more impressed if you focus on making sure they have a wonderful time with good conversation in a setting where you can really connect and be relaxed.  Sometimes spending too much money makes for an uncomfortable situation because expectations are higher than the actual delivery.  In these times of economic restraint, your Valentine will appreciate your frugality but may actually become stressed if he feels you have spent too extravagantly not  to mention the stressful effect it will have upon you knowing that you have overextended yourself compared to the comfort of knowing you saved money and still have some in the bank. 

There are some simple guidelines you can use to help focus on the important details and to adhere to principles of sound Design and Economy.  A good Valentine knows that details are the most important features of a romantic experience and will take pains to be sure they are attended to:

·         Take control giving your Valentine the experience of being pampered, loved and cared for.

·         Focus on the presentation of the details and never mention the expense.

·         If you choose to prepare and serve a special Valentine’s Day meal at home take special care to decorate at least minimally to make the space look different from its ordinary appearance.  Stick to the theme and plan interesting and unique details to transform a familiar setting into a romantic sexy context.

·         If serving dinner at home, move that table from the middle of the room into a corner if the weather is nice and you have a yard or balcony serve dinner outside.

·         Try to make a list of everything you will need to pull Valentine’s Day off according to theme, setting, design and economy.  Make the list early and edit it several times before marrying it.  Be sure to put down alternates in case something doesn’t work out and give yourself time to have all the pieces together way ahead of time.

·         A perfect Valentine has set aside time for their beau and will cut off their phone.  Likewise for the Valentines valentine there will be no phone calls or texting.  Texting and answering calls breaks the continuity of the evening taking attention off of the romantic experience.

·         A good Valentine makes sure that there will be no interruptions of the Valentine’s Day experience they have planned or that has been planned for them and convey this to their Valentine as well so there will be no confusion.

·         When dining out on Valentine’s Day you may encounter friends or associates. Keep greetings brief and politely inform them that you are delighted to see them, wish them a happy Valentine’s Day and excuse yourself to join your valentine.  Never invite company to your table! Even if your valentine is amenable it is bad form.  Valentines events planned to be spent as a couple should remain so and friends with class will understand and honor that!

·         Be sure to purchase sexy and witty Valentine’s Day accessories such as cufflinks, lingerie, cologne, stemware, pastry, stationery, and other party favors. 

·         No matter what let the defining variable be what he likes not what you want him to like! 

·         Don’t forget to add elements of intimacy; candles incense sexy satin or silk sheets sexy lingerie for you both to enjoy a leisurely Valentines meal and entertainment at home or in an amazing hotel suite.

It only takes a bit of creativity and planning and an understanding of what it takes to be a good Valentine in order to design a sexy and romantic Valentine’s Day.  This Valentine’s Day should be all about “Him” and there is no finer way to be the very best Valentine than to use one of his favorite things as a theme to explore in a romantic setting poised for a memorable and comfortable Valentine’s Day experience.  Depending on the time, money and detail you would like to devote to this day it has the potential to be amazing.  Remember… Love is in the details…

FIN

By David Vollin

HOW TO DETERMINE IF HE IS "RELATIONSHIP MATERIAL"

There is certainly nothing the matter with being on a mission to find a partner in this lonely world. But it has been my observation that many men are so focused on hearing what they want to hear as soon as possible that they miss or discard women or men who might potentially be their soulmates and in some cases they may actually be scaring them away. 



 
When I converse with someone whom I have never met before, and we know practically nothing about one another it is always a stunning surprise for them to ask me if I am looking for a relationship.  Gentlemen must be careful not to ask questions that are too personal before they have got to know an acquaintance well.   If you take your time slowly earning entry into someone’s private affairs you will know the appropriate moment to ask about their relationship status.  Until a man chooses to share his personal affairs with you, you should assume nothing that has not been clearly and freely laid upon the table for your information.   A man who hastily asks personal questions will appear to be in a desperate and undignified state commonly known as, “Hunting Mode”.  If you do not want to give the impression that you are merely interested in sex refrain from making your newly found acquaintance feel as if they are being predated.  This can often be perceived as scary or even crazy to those who just want to chat and get a feel for who you are and what you have to say about yourself and the world in which you live.

The irony becomes uncomfortably apparent when men who only minutes before claimed to be laid back, conservative, homebodies, old-fashioned, etc., etc., etc., begin an all-out campaign to push a date or potential date into a corner, bombarding them with heavy, conditional queries thinly guised as ultimatums and far too personal and site-specific to be logical at the initial point of contact.   The proper approach is to take it easy with a polite and friendly meet and greet conversation.  Think about this Brothas… even if a date is interested in having a relationship it is far too early for them to honestly know if they want one with you.  Assuming you are not the only man he or she is dating his answer may be yes, but perhaps with someone else in mind and therefore the answer, “ yes”,  not relating to you.  Trust what you see and not what you hear gentlemen.  At this early juncture when you are just sharing your first conversations you have not heard or seen anywhere near enough to make any judgment calls… so chill it out!   Enjoy the slow, quiet ride or bail…

What if after asking if a man if he is interested in being in a relationship he replies with an unequivocal no! He is not at all interested in developing a relationship at this time.   If a man replies with any answer other than a concrete and certain yes then he probably means no! Right... Maybe?  The answer is, since you do not know this man from Adam it is far too early to say with any degree of accuracy so best to let it go or to not ask the question at all! But if he clearly replies with a no then you should respect his honesty and politely drop the subject rather than press him for an explanation or justification for his candid clarification.  Likewise gentlemen, if you find that someone you have just met has managed to get you into a conversation about your nuptial prospects you can and should politely shut them down by either deliberately changing the subject or informing them that that is a subject you feel is far too personal to discuss at the time and that you would like to focus on less weighty matters to see if you even like one another enough to continue talking or meeting in person.   This is what a gentleman would do rather than embarrass his new acquaintance or encourage them to continue with an uncomfortable or inappropriate subject.  A gentleman does not pry into another’s personal affairs.  Remember gentlemen that the person you have just met may already be in a relationship.   It is always best to let others freely offer information of a personal matter.  This lets you know that they are comfortable discussing this with you.  If a man has not shared some personal business with you then it is safe to assume he has no intention of sharing it and you should respect his right to privacy.

 But the man who is on a mission, who is on the hunt, will be compelled to shut down all operations when he hears no or anything like a no because that is not what he wants to hear!  When I think of how many potential soulmates were mistakenly discarded after a failed, overly presumptuous, overly assertive, overly aggressive, all-out frontal attack was unsuccessfully launched it makes my head spin.  Some of these men are the very ones who lament never meeting men or women who are relationship oriented… but the fact of the matter is they never gave these people any reasonable and respectable time to work their way toward that end.  These men are all about the sloppy business of scaring a good thing away!  The brand is typified by a long series of short-lived flings two-week monogamies, six month monogamies, etc., etc., etc., it makes my head spin…

Let me take some time to discuss the nature of the short-termed relationship.  It usually doesn’t take very long for two people who do not know each other to determine they are incompatible.  Rushing into a half-baked relationship assuming the image but not having developed its substance is the quintessential diagnosis of a failed romance.  There are two ways in which these ill-fated flings get started to begin with.  In scenario one there is one person on the prowl and the other is prey lured and virtually coerced into a situation under duress usually to satisfy the continual insistence of the other party.  Many people figure… Oh well… what the heck… thinking it will fill in a current void in their lives and will be easy enough to extricate themselves if and when the time comes or in many cases when someone more viable comes along.  What can I say Brothas… Don’t let anyone force you into something you are not ready for.  The second scenario is when both parties, blinded by a rose-petaled rain of cupidity talk each other into a relationship neither of them are prepared for. Usually, but not always the fast relationship is fueled more by a combination of natural sexual attraction and an inherent misunderstanding of the personal needs of each.  Nobody needs to be in a relationship; hastily entering a relationship to justify having sex, (as if it could disqualify the possibility of random sex),  is a poor substitute for taking time to develop a more finely crafted relationship based upon mutual friendship, respect and a common interest and investment in the maintenance of a healthy relationship.  When it gets to the point that you are having a different lover every week or six weeks or six months the cumulative effect is the same as if you just had a series of random sex encounters.   There is nothing wrong with having random sex by the way; in my opinion, it is the adult choice of each man to manage and take ownership of the dynamics of his own libido.  But constantly changing boyfriends or girlfriends indicates a serious misunderstanding of some of the most fundamental elements of a mature, healthy and long-lasting relationship.  In Scenario one the prey is not absolved from equal responsibility merely because they failed to effectively say and enforce the concept of “NO”!  But it is possible that one party, blind sighted but sincere, has been craftily deceived and upon discovery of some violation of the hasty covenant they have arranged terminates the treacherous association.  The other spin to scenario one is when one of the two parties just get dumped.  In such a case the wronged party cannot be held responsible for the brevity of their love; at least not the first time.  But when it becomes a recurring theme they may be held as guilty as Cain.  If you are lucid enough to recognize this or any other combination of dysfunctional trends in your relationships that cause them to be short-lived then it is time to take hiatus, step back for a while to analyze the past few partners and the elements defining the relationship you developed with them.  Sometimes it helps to talk it out with a close friend but only you can make the final synthesis and evolve your approach to dating and the establishment of what we generally call “relationships”.

At the other end of the spectrum are Brothas who have been messing around forever but never seem to be able to get a coherent relationship to gel.  They have perhaps discussed the possibility but have never really given it any serious thought or application.  There is really no compromise for taking time to begin to develop and refine yourself so that you can bring the proper skills-sets to the table the next and every time theoretically that you enter into a new relationship.  Having a busy work schedule combined with a hectic personal life is absolutely not an excuse for developing self.   And Brothas, it is really about being honest with yourself about even having the intent to sacrifice other aspects of your life to focus on and develop your relationship skills sets.  Just as surely as I was going to write “If you know you are not ready to handle the serious dynamics of a relationship you should not enter into one” I realized that men who are not mature enough for relationships are the last ones to know because they have never done the critical exercise of self-examination.  This is all the more reason Brothas why you must take time to carefully examine your potential lover to see if he or she has got the skills sets needed to make good on your time investment.

It may be possible to wait too-long to pop the question, by which time it becomes moot because some sort of weird arrangement passing as a relationship has already been allowed to establish itself.  I have observed relationships that have existed for many years but have never developed into anything of real substance.  Relationships with married or committed people easily fall into this category.  Couples who live independently but share intermittent episodes of loving and living together, if only on weekends, then revert to their normal lives often but not always compounded with having relationships  are a hallmark of this condition.  The problem is that this convenient pattern has gone on too long without being challenged to upgrade itself.    

Now all of this talk about when to pop the question, when to consider the question, when it is too late to entertain the question, how to avoid being cornered into the question, how not to hound or press anyone with the question, how and when to ask the question has led us to the whole point in this conversation, “How Do You Know If A Man Is Relationship Material”?

You can never truly know if a man is relationship material when you first meet, that is something that must be time-proven within the context of some coherent and functional relationship; not guessed or speculated or fantasized.  You must first put the good time in and get to know a Brotha sufficiently to get some confidence about his relationship building and relationship maintenance skills.  How much time?  Well, the amount of time it will take you to sufficiently get to know another person well enough to trust them to a high degree of comfort with the stewardship of your well-being will differ with every potential couple.  But I can tell you that without putting in the quality time you are wasting it…  Unfortunately, Many Brothas want an instant hot meal and do not want to pay this time-investment, the results can be and often are disastrous when they do not!  So there is an ironic relevance to the cliché, “You will know when it’s the right time” as well as, “You will know when it’s not the right one”! 

So let me set some more concrete parameters for my readers to wrap their minds around other than old clichés…

A MAN IS PROBABLY GOOD RELATIONSHIP MATERIAL WHEN OVER A REASONABLE PERIOD OF TIME:

1.       HE HAS BECOME A FRIEND AND CONFIDANT AND HAS DEMONSTRATED THIS QUALITY ON SEVERAL OCCASIONS WHEN YOU WERE IN NEED.

2.       HE HAS DEMONSTRATED HONESTY, LOYALTY AND DEPENDABILITY ON MANY OCCASIONS WHEN YOU WERE IN NEED.

3.       HE TAKES YOU INTO CONSIDERATION IN ALL HIS PLANS ESPECIALLY WHEN HE KNOWS THEY WILL DIRECTLY AFFECT YOU AND HE HAS DEMONSTRATED RESPECT FOR YOU TIME, HAPPINESS AND WELL BEING.

4.       HE UNDERSTANDS THE IMPORTANCE OF QUALITY TIME AND IS ALWAYS EAGER TO SPEND QUALTIY TIME WITH YOU AND/OR ALLOW YOU TO HAVE QUALITY TIME TO YOURSELF.

5.       HE IS A SOLUTIONS-BASED PERSON WHO IS GENUINELY INTERSTED IN WORKING OUT PROBLEMS MUTUALLY RATHER THAN AVOIDING THEM AND HE HAS A PROVEN REPERTOIRE OF EFFECTICE PROBLEM SOLVING SKILLS.

6.       HE IS GENUINELY INTERESTED IN YOU, IN PLEASING, RESPECTING YOU AND MAKING YOU HAPPY.  THIS QUALITY OUTWEIGHS NEGATIVITY, SELFISHNESS AND MEANNESS, HE IS WELL ROUNDED.

7.       BEING TOGETHER WHILE NOT ALWAYS PERFECT HAS A PROVEN RECORD OF BEING SEAMLESS AND EFFORTLESS MOST OF THE TIME YOU ENJOY ONE ANOTHERS COMPANY,  YOU ENJOY ONE ANOTHER AS COMPANIONS AND HAVE THE PROVEN ABILITY TO SHARE THE SAME SPACE AND LIVE TOGETHER WITH A HIGH LEVEL OF COMPATABLILITY. 

8.       HE SATISFIES YOUR NEED FOR COMPANIONSHIP AND INTIMACY AND HE GENUINELY ENJOYS BEING INTIMATE WITH YOU WHETHER IT INCLUDES SEX OR NOT. 

9.       HE IS A GENUINELY POSITIVE MINDED PERSON AND FRIENDLY SO THAT WHEN YOU ARE IN PUBLIC HE IS PROUD TO BE YOUR MATE, AND IS RESPECTFUL AND CONSIDERATE AMIDST OTHER PEOPLE AND IN DIFFERENT SETTINGS. 

10.   HE HAS ESTABLISHED ETHICS AND IS A PRINCIPLED MAN WITH A HEALTHY MATURE PHILOSOPHY ON LIFE WHICH HE ENDEVORS TO LIVE AND HAS A PROVEN RECORD OF DOING SO.

11.   HE IS RESPECTUFL OF YOUR FAMILY, FRIENDS, COLLEAGUES AND OCCUPANTION AND IS A PROVEN SOURCE OF STRENGTH AND SUPPORT WITH RESPECT TO THE INEVITABLE ISSUES THAT WILL ARISE WITH FAMILY FRIENDS AND WORK. 

12.   HE CONTRIBUTES TO AND PRTICIPATES EQUALLY WITH RESPECT TO ANY SHARED FINANCIAL OR PROPERTY RELATED MATTERS. 

Brothas, when I reviewed this list it became clear to me that I was unerringly correct about putting in that essential time.  All of these twelve factors determining if a man is relationship material require a great deal of serious time to verify; there’s no way around it!  Before you make a judgment about whether any man is interested or capable of being in a serious relationship based on this criterion you would do well to ask yourself if you qualify?  If you are not willing to put in the time to find a partner then maybe it is you who are not relationship material!  A gentleman never forces an issue on another gentleman especially when it involves a matter as personal and sensitive as the formation of a bond between to consenting adults.  This, my Brothas, must be mutually agreed upon and the details carefully worked out over time and when it is time for this fortuitous discussion to be had… it will not be uncomfortable or awkward… because if the gentleman for which you are serious about forming a relationship is indeed the right one for you he will have already come to the same revelation as you… and your combined natural interest in making this happen will drive the formation of a truly sound relationship. 

Written by D. Vollin 1-25-12

RED TAILS, THRILLING, HISTORIC, SEXY... A MUST SEE!

I just got back in from seeing the most amazing film/documentary since "The Great Debators" and guess what it was... "RED TAILS"!!!! No doubt one of the best produced films it showcased George Lucas' unrivaled expertise with the use of flying machinery, in this case... WWT Fighter planes.  The costumes were amazingly reproduced and in many cases it was clear that vintage items were used.  The set was the picturesque landscape of Italy, Germany and various places in Eastern Europe I ascertained from the end credits.  The lighting was soft and crisp... yes a difficult combination but well suited to the story which was at once four different sub-plots woven into one amazing story as follows:

1. The struggle against and defeat of racism in the military.

2. The saga of how the Allied forces ultimately defeated the Facist Axis powers.

3. The personal challenges of 3 key personas to rise to the occasion of manhood

    and ultimately to heroic legend.

4. The love story of a key persona in the film... ironically a Black man who

    mutually finds love in the person of a beautiful Italian woman.

5. The thrilling, daring and practically lost art of air combat.

Ok... I added a 5th sub-plot... but the beauty of this film is that the closer you look the more detail  and complexity one begins to see.  The acting is superb...  Early on in the film the viewer gets to know and understand each of the key characters including their fears and aspirations;  the things they cherish most having been thrust into a reality where deaths breath is felt heavily upon the neck at every step.  The screenplay is also wonderfully adapted with artful adaptation of what would surely have been 1940's vernacular for a group of Tuskegee Collegians.  One airman is an avid blues singer and guitarist who finally gets to have his showcase... an amazing folk-blues performance.  The actors have given us some of their very best performances in this film... and it all comes back to the quality of acting which was also a fabulous hallmark of this film. 

The reason why I so enjoyed this beautifully made film was because it explicated an important genre of the American experience that is in great need of clarification and revision…  The real experience and voice of the Black man in America!  This film gives the Tuskegee Airmen texture, intelligence, dimension, and as if it were not already provided… it gives them the color of humanity.  These are real and tangible heroes for young American men to see!

 The film does not heavily delve into history facts and figures and it has minimal graphic violence considering that compared to the First World War, WWII would have been the 2^nd bloodiest and most casualty ridden wars of human history at the time it played out.  I think that the real horror of war was sufficiently portrayed without taking away from the story line which was a real layering of rich human experiences and not just a blood bath. 

I will definitely go see this movie again just to show my support for film that incorporates positive credible and well developed Black male characters… Then I’ll buy it on Blue Ray…

After the movie I overheard two young men who appeared to be collegians studying history.  They began to discuss how they were amazed that this significant portion of Americana was never taught or even mentioned in any of the courses they had taken to date.  They were amazed and clearly had enjoyed the movie.  I heard in their voices a frustration with what is taught in America and what has actually happened here… They greatly inspired me… because they proved that the human experience is truly universal… not segregated into white, black, yellow, brown or red… but simply universal…