CHAPTER I. UNFORSEEN HORIZONS
The way that summer heat baked the black asphalt street
outside, Drayton was more than certain all the tires along his row of houses
were going to burst in one huge cascade.
He watched amused as a young bird settled on the hood of his brand new Cadillac
only to quickly hustle away after getting a hot foot. His neighbor and aesthetic rival Beardon
Dukkett pulled up right behind his car in a white convertible BMW so close at
first that Drayton thought he was going to drive right into the back seat. “Drama
Queen,” Drayton whispered under his breath as Beardon distinctly looked him
directly in the eye as if checking for irritation.
Beardon made his way up to the wrought-iron fence standing
about twenty feet between the greenest most immaculate lawn and the neat,
deeply eave’d front porch of Drayton’s 1920’s bungalow. He leaned over the fence and said, “What
happened to you today Drayton I didn’t see you at work today, you do know about
my new promotion don’t you?” Without
waiting for Drayton to respond Beardon went on, “I hear there was actually someone
in our office that applied and interviewed but I can’t imagine who, since I’m
the only one qualified for the job, can you believe that man? I also heard that
some gay guy applied, I asked the receptionist about that but she said she didn’t
see any fellas in high heels and with arched eyebrows come into the office that
day!” He smiled at Drayton as if oblivious to the fact that it was he who had
been the other applicant so Drayton returned his smile with an equally
obsequious grin and walked off into the house without greeting him or
responding… the door shut presently as he entered his house leaving Beardon
perplexed but generally unmoved as was his nature.
By the time Drayton returned to his front porch with a
pitcher of fresh lemonade and some ham and Swiss sandwiches Beardon was long
gone. “Dayum!” he thought out loud, “How
the hell did they find out I was gay?
Drayton had not understood why he had not been promoted until this very
minute. It was precisely because of this
event that he had taken the day off, it was the new persons first day on the
job and he wanted to make sure he was nowhere to be found. As a professional he had already committed to
work with the new boss as objectively as anyone but the prospect of having to
take orders from Beardon was more than he could pull off on the first day. He had already vowed upon receipt of the
notice that he had not got the position that he would seek employment elsewhere
where he could find advancement but he kind of liked his job and the people there
and besides, he was good at what he did and did not feel as if he should have
to continue to work hard without the possibility of advancement. But he revised his resume and cover sheet,
tailoring it to at least a dozen jobs he found in his field then waited to hear
something back, hoping he would be able to give his notice and brag about the
new better paying job he had landed, smearing the fact that his former
employers had not recognized his talent in their faces at his going away party…
“Yeah right” he thought, “Like those hard up homophobes are really going to
give me a going away party or even an exit interview!”
As the events of the following week played themselves out he
was certain he had been passed up for the promotion because of a rumor that he
was gay. Furthermore, he recalled the loquacious
secretary from personnel coming down shortly before the public announcement of
the new supervisor was made with some hot dirt.
He was certain that it was news of the new hire and specifically the news
that it would not be himself. Although
he suspected as much he was so certain that his credentials and time on the job
experience made him a shoe-in that he dismissed the childish gossiping’s of the
women and men on his floor of the office certain that they would soon see him
for the person he really was, a supervisor.
Drayton stayed to himself at work, he remained aloof of the
gossips and the cliques that easily formed themselves in the various
socio-political niches of his organization.
He considered his private life to be sacrosanct and kept it personal
making sure never to disclose his homosexuality to anyone at all, especially
not anyone in the office. Furthermore,
he always dated men who lived in other cities and sparsely dated women, not the
ones in the office because it was too close but he made his appearances at
places around town where he knew they would be marked. Just as a smokescreen he always used the
excuse that he was going to see his ex-girlfriend in New York for the weekend,
this, he figured would both affirm that he was straight and also let the ladies
know that there was a flame there so they would not be on his tip and of
course, how unverifiable was an “Ex-Girlfriend” from college living in New
York? He almost laughed thinking about
how confused all the gossips in his office had been but apparently they had got
some inkling of his true tea and where that had come from began to haunt his
every moment at work and off the job. He
began an elaborate dissection of his associates to find out just who and where
such a rumor might have got leaked.
Sitting on his front porch he watched the shadows lengthen
and the listened to the whining of the locusts in the dense heat. The phone rang, it was a quirky ident-a-ring…
it was Barlow his boyfriend. He picked
up the phone, a deep and notably annoyed voice rang out, “Drayton what the Hell
is going on man I haven’t heard from you in two weeks man… is there something
you need to tell me cause if it is I think you don’t even have to bother with
details man just say it’s over and I’m gone Bro! HELLO! HELLO! ARE YOU THERE MAN!” Drayton was surprised and alarmed at how loud
the phone resonated in his porch… he held the speaker side of the phone down on
his lap and covered it cautiously looking to adjust the volume before
speaking. “I was going through some bad
times Barlow, man… I didn’t get that position I thought I was going to get, you
know how hard I worked to get it… I was so disappointed I just didn’t want to
take it out on you man… honest I love you,“ Drayton looked around cautiously as
if the very rafters themselves had microphones or as if the gnats and fireflies
might be eavesdropping on him ready to broadcast the news of his boyfriend to
the gossips at work. In a hushed voice he resumed, walking back
into the house and checking that the door was licked and bolted and chained
behind him, “Man I just found out that I didn’t get the job because of a rumor I
am gay, can you believe that? I have
gone through all this fucking work to date women and even sleep with them,
making sure they are seen coming to visit and leaving in the morning, taking
them to church and to office events only to end up becoming the fucking office
homosexual right behind my own back! I just
don’t understand it. What went wrong?”
There was a long period of silence before Barlow responded…
he half-believed Drayton’s cockamamie story but wanted to be compassionate for
him just in case his better instincts were in fact wrong. “Baby,” he said, “Let me come down and stay with you for a few days or
come up here for a few days through the weekend just to get a change of scene
man… we can talk about it all you like and maybe there is something I can do,
you know I’m an attorney babe.”
“WHAT THE FUCK” Barlow yelled, “I told you about all that
gay shit man… it’s no good down here man, these mothafuka’s don’t respect
anything to do with gay!” He paused to catch his breath, clenching a book on
the dresser where he sat looking into the mirror nearly in tears, “I did
everything right man, I know those black bastards don’t like me on my job
because I am a thorough brotha and I am the only one in the office that has a master’s
degree not even the owner and head boss has a masters. It’s not like I flaunt my education around
the office like that pompous ass Beardon, the prick that got my position, I
wonder if that bastard spread the rumor just to fuck me up! I wouldn’t put it
past him man he is unscrupulous! He knows
that not only was he not qualified but that a rumor like me being gay was all
the staff and management team needed to hear to get me out of his way. I’m mad as hell man and hearing from you at
this point, my gay lover… at a time when I just got overlooked for a promotion
because I might be gay, confirming that I am gay, is hardly what I need.”
Barlow was deeply hurt by Drayton’s emotional revelation and
now he was more than certain it was really the reason why he had not heard from
his lover in over two weeks. But the
gravity of the situation, that he could so easily be discarded and discounted
weighed in so deeply against the possibility that they would ever be able to
carry on a normal relationship that he determined he would try to help his
estranged lover through this trial but move on after it had been dissipated. He thought this without ever uttering a word
to Drayton but kept it to himself, knowing that Drayton was probably aware of
his intentions, but it was all he could do for self-preservation in the face of
dating a DL Brotha, a thing not only his better judgment, but that of his
family and friends had repeatedly warned against!
His father’s voice came as clearly to him as if he were
standing directly in front of him, “Barlow, you have fought a long hard battle
to be out with your sexuality and it has rewarded you in your profession and
community both of which hold you in high esteem, and to put your freedom at jeopardy
now, by dating a man who has not paid his dues as you have is foolish in my
opinion, but you have always had a mind of your own son and while I counsel you
against this, I also want you to know that you do have your fathers and mothers
support in this and any other endeavor you chose to embark upon.” Barlow remembered speaking with his parents
about how he was going to forge a cohesive relationship with a man who lived in
the closet when he was out and public… he knew then that there was a fair
chance it would not work, he might scare his lover away on the sheer principles
that he had established as his ethical foundations…
“I’m not coming down to see you Drayton, I love you but
there is nothing I can do for you if you are determined to continue to live a
lie man. My coming down to you might
even serve to hurt you more man so I’m
going to hold my ground right here in
Washington, D.C. where I know I have a firm place to walk upon. As much as I miss and need you I realize now
that you need yourself more than you need me now. But know baby, that if you should change your
mind I will come down to Birmingham on the next flight to be with you. I love you deeply and unconditionally but you
cannot balance the love I have for you man… I’ve never even been to your house
before or your town and we have slept together for five years now, we have
shared everything together except your life… so I am going to let you decide
how you will move forward, or if you want to move forward at all…. With me…”
Barlow said this with so much determination and compassion that Drayton almost
invited him to Birmingham; he thought perhaps he could stay in a hotel just
outside of town and he would get a rental car to go meet him so that his car
would not be recognized at the hotel. But
just as instantly as this revelation came to him he also realized that it would
be unacceptable to Barlow. So instead of
saying, “Yes baby come on down to Birmingham and let’s get a hotel just outside
of town,” he responded, “Ok man let me think on it for a few days and I will
get back with you, I’ve got a lot on my mind now and I don’t want to burden you
with it, it’s not your battle baby…”
Drayton was sure Barlow would simply hang-up on him and he’d never hear
from him again unless and maybe not even if he called him back and begged and
begged.
Barlow replied, “Baby, that’s fine with me, I see you need
time to clear your head some more, but know that I love you and am ready to support
you whatever your decision may be. Know
also that I am not just going to be waiting to be given a “Dear John” letter
from you at some unfathomable point in the future after you have long overspent
my patience and understanding… I am a man too baby and I deserve to be treated
equally. I wasn’t going to say this, but
I feel as if I need to at this point man… I don’t really think we are going to
be able to go any further in our relationship; you are living a lifestyle that
is 180 degrees opposite from mine both philosophically and physically… you are
still dating and fucking women to maintain your façade of manhood, a façade that
clearly no longer exists in the minds of your colleagues…. But I remain loyal
to you. I don’t want to drop a bomb on
you at this of all times but I’m going to date other men Drayton and even,
perhaps have sex with them because it is my right to do so given the clear
options that you afford me! I’m not
going to call text or email you unless you contact me first. I’m not going to ever bring this issue up
again for discussion unless you open it first.
Let’s consider ourselves to have an open relationship but know Drayton
that if I meet another man who can provide the things that you cannot I will
leave you for that man and never turn back again. I’m not going to give you my speech about
being a real man and not some straight mans “Bitch” cause you already know how I
feel! I need a man! A real man! A man
does not run scared and live scared, changing his life to suit other men who
have no power over him… A real man lives his live and loves as he chooses
daring other men to challenge his manly right! And ready to defend his right,
if necessary by force! I allowed myself
to fall in love with only part of you but ignored the other aspect that drove
you, and that is fear Drayton, pure unmasked fear and weakness! So in parting I challenge you to be a man and
you will see that no one can hurt you when you are honest up-front, straightforward
about yourself! Then and only then can you know that you have been judged not
by your secrets and fears, but by your credentials as a man and as a
professional! You have created this wall
of lies and when it comes down around you all credibility will be lost! You have to power to change this but it has
to come from you Drayton, not from me!” The
phone went dead and Drayton let it sit on the desk for at least five minutes
while it automatically shut down.
Over the next couple of days Drayton did his own detective
work discovering where the root of this terrible lie had taken hold first
convincing him that it was not himself. One
of the things he did at his job was to manage the company’s corporate phone accounts. He had access to all the texts and emails
forwarded between employees but he never broke his ethical instinct to
eavesdrop before now. He started with
the most loquacious gossips in the office and found they had ironically not
uttered a word before the job announcement had been made. What he did discover was that Beardon had an
excessive amount of texts and calls to a number in Washington, D.C.
specifically in a town called Burtonsville which was actually in Maryland only
20 minutes outside of the city limits. A
closer examination revealed the sexually explicit nature of the texts many of
which contained nude pictures and racy erotic language but what struck him
hardest was that the pictures coming from Burtonsville were from another
man.
Written by David Vollin on 6-11-12
CHAPTER II. UNSETTLING ACQUAINTANCES
Sometimes the very obvious, the obvious, the nearly obvious
and the not-so obvious merely cancel each other out when they collide with
issues that have been given greater magnitude in the commandment of our
thoughts. They jump, crawl and swim
right up to us like beloved pets do when we are too preoccupied with other
matters, forgetting to notice them. We
finally recognize them as the familiar things we’ve lived with, remarkably ironic
now, having waited impatiently but prudently until their window could be
opened…
Nearly six weeks went by after Beardon’s first day a
Drayton’s new boss. Drayton had already
resolved to be civilized about the entire thing, to be a gentleman and a
professional acknowledging Beardon as his superior and doing everything he
could to make him feel comfortable in his new position; it was the right thing
to do. Besides, in his greater wisdom he
realized that any inkling that he had not got the promotion because the
carefully guarded secret about his homosexuality had been leaked was purely
hearsay and he refused to even react to something that amounted to a myth
inside of his mind. If Drayton was
anything he was a rational, civilized and principled man who considered it a
hallmark of his character that he set the gentlemanly example setting himself
apart from those of his colleagues whom he affectionately named, “The
Barbarians”! The fact of the matter is
that he had hugely relied upon the gossip of these barbarians to bring himself
closer to an understanding of the truth admittedly falling back on the very
baseness he despised to ground himself with some kind of resolution. It was a crash-course for him in the manner
of the crude and undecorated world easily solved its problems with lies and
deceit, the desperate and razor-sharp world that drove gentlemen like him
away. He saw that world as a place empty
of the type of aspiration inspired by pure and honest artifice, it was a place that existed in spite of choking
upon its own uselessness, bereft of fuel and ambition, exhausting every
resource around it in a futile effort to sustain itself thereby garnering
raison d’etre! That world preyed upon
the disparate souls who operated from within the light of themselves who would
freely share it with others. But at once Drayton knew he was not wholly that
enlightened man and he had no right to judge others so sharply against his
concept of righteousness, an unproven cosmos thus complicated by his own
hidings however justified they pointed to a man who was in clear sight of
freedom but had quite a few miles to go before the gateways in the walls of
that bastion were in clear view. He had
never even imagined coming out before… the mere thought to him now was
unimaginable so he drifted off watching while the quiet of his little street
was intermittently transformed by a car, motorcycle or bicyclist passing
through… Drayton was a peaceful man…
sheltered by his parents from the meanness of the streets… He understood their
sacrifice, and utilized the advantages they gave him to reward their
effort. His parents were the first in their
family to get a college education. And
from the very first moment he could understand anything it was made clear to
him that college was a minimum requirement but it was not forced upon him…
merely reinforced as a standard by which he would ultimately be measured as a
man in his parents eyes. His childhood, adolescence
and early manhood had been full of the love of his family and because he was
surrounded with such care he hardly noticed the privileged upbringing he had
enjoyed. His parents were careful to
teach him that he was one among equals… that he must have compassion and
understanding for those less fortunate, lessons that had no real meaning to him
until he became aware of the realities of the world.
He had quite lost track of time as he had been sitting there
thinking when presently he was roused by the clamour and familiar smile of a
neighbor who had been attempting to get his attention for who knows how
long. The face said, “Wow man that’s
heavy! Got a lot on your mind I see! Well I won’t disturb you too long but,”
the face advanced toward the front porch after opening the heavy Victorian,
Gothic Revival, wrought iron gate and continued up the rise of approximately 7
rusticated sandstone stairs, “I bought some beers for us to drink whilst we
talked, that is… if you have a mind and some time to spend a few golden hours
with your new boss.” The face was
Beardon’s face and together with his body it had fully mounted the rise and
sought an assortment of glider chairs lining the exterior wall of the house
underneath the deep overhang of the porches roof. Beardon shifted a pale green glider chair
until it was nearly two inches or less from Drayton’s chair and justly
parallel. Drayton’s first inclination
was to shift his body to the far side until he could manage to physically move
the chair itself a few feet away, he attributed the Beardon’s spatial anomaly
to the fact that three of the 12 beers were missing from the case he lugged up
to the shaded perch of the deep, front porch but made no mention of his
analysis of Beardon’s condition. Drayton
listened while Beardon talked about things which he had no interest in
whatsoever, people named who he did not know, places referenced he had no
knowledge of or desire to see… He did this out of courtesy alone, uncomfortable
as Beardon moved ever closer to him at times near enough to suggest
intimacy. Even with the thickening fog
of intoxication befuddling his head Beardon recognized Drayton’s uneasiness and
compensated by shifting his conversation to women. “Women! Really!” Drayton thought, wanting to
protest, but withheld his desire… Instead he determined to placate Beardon by feeding
In to this new shift of human interest… “Well there’s certainly a lot of phat
honey’s in the “G.M.”’s office man I’m sure they are all over you now that you
got that promotion.” Without being able to catch himself the issue of Beardon’s
promotion slipped out of his lips, he stood his ground managing an exaggerated
smile to balance the fact that he instinctively wanted to recoil for being so
stupid as to introduce that topic.
Notwithstanding, Beardon was noticeably unmoved by the remark and so
Drayton’s strategy worked, he promised himself to have no more beer just to be
sure he did not make a mistake like that one again but now delighted in the art
of deception shifted the topic back to women again… Choosing a woman who had recently left the
company he sought safety in the lack of politics that might ensue from
discussing staff in less than a professional manner. “Remember Paendra? Everybody was trying to get into her pants
man… she was definitely an attractive woman but I don’t think any of us
squirrels ever cracked open that nut… eh?”
Beardon was listening and he was just staring into Drayton’s
face with a queer smile wrapped around his entire face. Drayton could not place it exactly and
attributed it to the increasing level of alcohol coursing through Beardon’s
circulatory system. He had that stupid
unfocused smile that people get when they are drunk… “Fuck, I’m getting drunk
on my front porch with my boss,” the words slipped again from his mouth… this
time Beardon heard it and to Drayton’s relief he released a huge bout of
laughter… sincere and well-earned it was…
Drayton had been way to reserved throughout the entire time… after all
Beardon had really tried to break the ice by coming over and bringing alcohol
and starting a personal report with Drayton.
His laughter actually finally got Drayton to relax with the entire
situation. Before he had thought,
“Dayum, last time I’ll sit on this front porch, I could have been chilling in
the house about now not cheesing with my boss on my time off.” Now, the thought to himself, “Oh well this beats
just sitting in the house alone, it is something to do. And maybe I can use this as an opportunity to
find out what’s really going on with my new boss”
Beardon went on without pause intent on filling Drayton in
on the latest gossip about Paendra. He
started, “That Paendra is one phat somebody bro… but I found out she is really
a big ass freak underneath all that tailored suit and high ruffled collar
business she sells in the office. Yeah
man my boy Demarcus told me she nearly raped him one night when they went out
for drinks. Come to find out she had
nearly raped all of the brothas working in her department she actually had one
kat ready to leave his wife and children, can you imagine that? Must have been some sweet, killer pussy she
had! Come to find out you are the only
one in her division that didn’t fuck her man… or else maybe you just hit that
thing real quiet and rolled out!”
Drayton was feeling a bit high and was not sure what to say
but realized he had to say something in response… “Yeah man I heard she was
sleeping with every man in my division and my girl did too so I had to keep it
professional with her meetings in public never alone, my girl was cool with the
receptionist,” He lied and immediately realized Beardon might attempt to check
up on his story and sought a way around it, “You don’t remember her man she was
just a temp who came in before you were hired.”
Whew! Drayton just managed to get out of that jam, he realized that in
order to be an effective liar you have to have the story well worked out
beforehand. Beardon asked Drayton if he
could use his bathroom, he had never been inside Drayton’s house before. Before he responded Drayton feverishly went
over every square inch of his house to be sure there were no hallmarks of his
homosexuality left out for Beardon to see.
Written by David Vollin on 7-19-12
