THE PROPER ETIQUETTE FOR GREETING A MARRIED SAME-SEX COUPLE

A Victorian Double Breasted Waistcoat

THE PROPER ETIQUETTE FOR GREETING A MARRIED SAME-SEX COUPLE

A Victorian Beaver Fur Top Hat

So much has been discussed concerning the rights of same-sex couples to have their marriages legally recognized by their respective states that hardly a breath of celebration has been uttered concerning how we will formally introduce our new gay husbands into society.  As gay marriage is legalized in more and more states across these United States of America it is appropriate that we pause to contemplate how to receive this new and exciting evolution of human freedom.   In the 21 years since Essex Hemphill wrote “American Wedding” presaging a day in which gay marriages would be accepted, much has changed but the fundamental message of his 1992 poem was that clear and culturally relevant traditions should be established to distinguish the marriage of a man with another man.

For what it is worth, an inestimable value newly minted generations of gay couples can more eloquently express, it is clear that we are in the midst of a new-born basket of marriage traditions some which borrow from the past and others that blaze new trails of creativity.  On the more practical side It is my intent to focus on the basic specificities, or to be direct, I want to focus on how this new class of gay married gentlemen should be addressed in polite society and how they might manage their new legal identities as gay married men.

When two men legally marry they should make plans to devote serious energy on determining how they will manage the updating of their new married name identities.  It is my opinion that gay men should carefully examine other options than adoption of the common protocol for heterosexual marriages where one spouse, (typically the woman), drops their name adopting the name of the other spouse.  I say this because I feel it is important for same sex couples to establish their own marriage traditions that are substantive drawing as much as possible from tradition but demonstrative the established traditions of gay culture.  Ultimately gay and straight couples share a universality that spans sex, race, religion, language and culture in the celebration of a union of love and respect. 

I have taken the license to point out an important paradigm unique to the tradition of the male as groom, specifically that the surname of the male is traditionally preserved and adopted by the bride.  Since in a union of two males there is no bride it stands to argue that adoption of both last names of each groom is appropriate with the ancestral name of the eldest or most accomplished groom taking preponderance.  This is the ultimate affirmation that both grooms are “Males” and therefore share the ancestral burden of carrying the last name.  In this way both men preserve their families’ identity in a revised interpretation of an old tradition. 

Two men who intend to marry should consider preserving both their ancestral names by placing the eldest, most distinguished or the more highly titled grooms name first and hyphenating his spouse’s ancestral name last.  In this way the tradition of the male maintaining his ancestral name is preserved and celebrated.  For many years women have taken the lead in the hyphenation of their names with their husbands especially if they are themselves renown or titled and also if they are the last of their ancestral line and wish to memorialize their family name for future generations.

Since two men are unable to mate or to share chromosomes across one fetus the preservation of their family name becomes that much more important.  If they decide to adopt or opt for surrogate parenthood the hyphenated name will give them the ability to pass on their family name, both identities are maintained.

When two men marry one another they may choose to celebrate their union by having their names legally changed in such a way that both surnames are preserved.  The symbolic ritual of sharing names carries great emotional as well as legal weight reminding the newly minted couple they are embarked upon a very serious long-term journey encompassing two lives each time their full name is written or uttered.  Their new names will appear upon bills, tax statements, insurance policies, wills, deeds, passports and licenses of every kind; it is an important and legally binding process so it deserves special attention.

A Victorian Man's Detachable Shirt Collar

The proper protocol for two gay men who are in the process of being married or who have recently been legally married is to agree upon, make legal and public their new names which will presently be used when they receive invitations, when they are introduced or when they introduce themselves to strangers.  An easy rule is that the surname of eldest of the two should take precedence over the younger spouses last name or in the case of professional men the spouse having the most titles or the highest ranking titles, professional degrees or other distinctions such as Doctor, Reverend.  If one spouse or both are political officials the one holding the highest office at the time of marriage should take preeminence. 

For example: Messrs. Washington if neither gentlemen are distinguished by a political office or other official title and wish to use only a single name presumably that of the eldest and likewise, they would be addressed as Messrs. Washington-Hardy if Mr. Washington is the eldest between he and his husband Mr. Hardy.  If one man holds a political office then he should be acknowledged with his husband as: Messrs. Senator Washington-Hardy and his husband Doctor Washington-Hardy.  If one spouse is a former government official of high rank such as a judge or congressman he should be greeted, for example as: The Honorable Mr. Harrington-Abel, Esquire and his husband.  If one or both husbands are currently ranking officials they should be addressed as: Messrs. Governor Black and his husband Dr. Harrington. 

A retired military officer of rank may be addressed: The Honorable Captain Butts and his husband or as: The Honorable Captain Pontchartrain and his husband Lieutenant Crosby. 

When introducing a gay male couple it is polite and appropriate to identify them in plural spoken form as Misters or Messieurs.  When they are being greeted or referenced in writing such as on a formal invitation always use “Messrs.” spoken as and representative of either Misters or Messieurs whichever suits your fancy.  When spoken or written Messrs. Should always be followed by the singular or hyphenated surnames of each spouse typically in order of the eldest.  If you are not certain which protocol a couple has adopted you should consult them discretely in a brief formal letter prior to having their names printed on name cards, programs or any publication or brochure. 

Victorian Mans Frock-Coat

For more informal settings when close friends and family are gathered together the more formal means of identification need not be used.  It is however important for other couples, family members, friends, colleagues and especially children to understand that when two men are married their union should be given the same respect as a heterosexual marriage.  It is important for children to recognize that their gay married family members are accepted socially and play an integral part in family life.  They must learn to respect them as they do any elder in their family circle.  It is not my implication that gay couples should be given any inappropriately special attention which might come off as patronizing.  We still live in a culture in which some married heterosexual couples and single people may feel that the marriage vows  between a man and a woman are more legitimate than those of their gay and lesbian family.  This is a topic I will discuss at length in another article.  Let me say this; tact is the rule of the day in managing  the expression of new familial traditions that celebrate, respect and memorialize every dynamic of gay marriage so let us embrace our new family and watch as the tradition of marriage evolve…

Victorian-Styled Gentleman's Walking Stick

Written by David Vollin

Administrator: For The Brothas; An Intellectual and Cultural Salon

www.forthebrothas.blogspot.com    

ZIMMERMAN AND BARKLEY: A Tale Of Two Males Who Never Became Men…

A childs fantasy with guns is innocent and naive

ZIMMERMAN AND BARKLEY: A Tale Of Two Males Who Never Became Men…

A real man (left) who mentors and understands  youth (right)  helping to bring them into manhood.

The provocateur and catalyst of the despicable chain of events leading to Trayvon Martin’s assassination was George Zimmerman.  Zimmerman failed to act as a mature, ethical adult, he allowed racial bias to prevent him from exercising manly restraint.  As an adult it was his responsibility to demonstrate a more structured approach to the situation than the 17 year old minor he methodically murdered with malicious intent!  Zimmerman is not a man at all he is a profoundly disturbed and immature male with a mind not much more developed than your average teenager playing violent video games and chewing bubble gum.  Lamentable as this all is it does not absolve him from his crime as a cold blooded murderer and racial profiler! 

Violence is tempered with maturity in manhood...

So the question is, “Did Zimmerman allow himself to sink to the level of a teenager when he pursued, fought with and murdered Trayvon”?  Which person, the 17 year old boy or the mature adult should be held accountable for having the ethical fortitude and basic maturity to back off?  In virtually every culture on every continent of this planet a man is held accountable for having more restraint and maturity than a child!  So the next question has to be the obvious, “Was Travon being treated as an adult”?  If so then he would have been seen as entering into a debacle with the minor, his mental, (and apparently physical), inferior George Zimmerman the younger or George Zimmerman the child, whichever suits your taste.  So the trial was really about how George Zimmerman the child murdered in cold blood Trayvon Martin the man a true David and Goliath saga.  Would that Zimmerman actually possessed the physical prowess of either the legendary David or Goliath; the reality is that he is and shall be remembered by history as the biggest “Wuss” of all time!  For now I will go with pursuing this topic with Zimmerman as the cocky, immature, troubled teenaged child and Trayvon as the mature adult because that is how it ended up playing out!  Travon faced a very adult dilemma which was the task of defending his life against a crazed assailant with a loaded gun.  Few adults have ever had to face such a perilous fate as Trayvon, how many of you can say that you have?  For Zimmerman it was an easy game, he had a gun, he had a height/weight advantage and he had the support of a racist police department and community.  For Zimmerman the boy it was a fun manhunt to the death, the personification of a twisted boyhood fantasy and for Trayvon the man it was a real game of survival, being hunted down for no apparent reason like the hundreds of thousands of black males over the span of this blood-stained countries history.

Many conscientious men have have hearts big enough to reach back into troubled communities who desperately need their love and wisdom, such as this man.

Recently Charles Barkley was quoted and I cannot imagine why since this basketball star has no legal credentials whatsoever, as saying they both should have just called it quits!  How insane a remark is this coming from someone who claims to have followed the trial as closely as Mr. Barkley did?  This is evidence that two people can see the same thing but one of them sees and knows nothing after it is over.  Obviously Mr. Barkley has never had someone threaten his life with a gun face to face but I have!   I know what it is like to have someone pull a gun on me and hold the barrel at my body, to be desperate to find some means of defense against an unfair advantage.  From this moment on the man formerly known to me as Mr. Charles Barkley will be known effectively as Charles Barkley the moron! Trayvon the man knew he was fighting for his life. Zimmerman the child took a hard beating from Trayvon the man that humbled his improperly calibrated sense of manhood and he went off the deep edge to the point of no return murdering Travon the man in cold blood!  Charles Barkley the moron has no goddamed idea what it is like to have his mortal existence threatened by a man with a loaded gun pointed directly his life!  Let me say this again.

Violence and Murder at too young an age creates sociopaths who have no respect for human life

Charles Barkley the moron has no =*&@#%  idea what it is like to have his mortal existence threatened by a man with a loaded gun pointed directly at his life! 

Shut the =*&@#% up Charles Barkley the moron and go back to your privileged, secure life free of vigilante’s with loaded firearms pointed at you with deadly intent!  You are no longer part of the real world where simple ordinary people get caught up in crazy downwardly spiraling tragedies by just by innocently walking home on a warm summer night! 

The real question here is, “Does anyone in this country recognize that adults should be held to a higher degree of accountability than a child”?  Is this country so jacked-up on sex, drugs, greed and hyper-consumerism that they do not recognize the responsibility of an adult to demonstrate a superior level of judgment as compared to a child?   Perhaps not and this I attribute to the fact that so few adults poses the level of maturity traditionally typified by adulthood.  How much the world has changed…

So for Zimmerman the boy let’s add to the charge of murder that of acting as an immature child, let’s charge him with failing to be a man!  Zimmerman is not a man, he is a kid acting out some adolescent fantasy garnered from True Blood, Rambo or any one of the myriad hunt and kill films of our violent culture!  The problem from the start is that we have been acting as if Zimmerman the boy were a man when in fact he is not.  A man, a real man, would never have allowed himself to be sucked into a dark, downward spiral of murder and denial such as Zimmerman the boy did.  A real man would have come before the American people, confessed his lack of maturity, judgment and restraint and begged them for forgiveness for committing this most villainous crime!  A real man would never have acted as Zimmerman the boy did and so the conclusion of this court is that Zimmerman the boy is not a man at all, he is yet another example of a male who has never matured and self-actualized as responsible man in the zany cultural anomaly that is the twenty-first century.  Zimmerman the boy if convicted should have been tried as a minor because that is where his mind is… he has the mentality of a profoundly disturbed child…

And to Charles Barkley the moron I have this simple advice….. “WAKE =*&@#% THE UP OR SHUT THE =*&@#% UP”!

Many men who mentor youth are able to save them from the streets and direct them into manhood.

Written by D. Vollin

THE SOUND OF SURPRISE?

THE SOUND OF SURPRISE?

I was listening to Lisa Stansfield singing one of her golden and sultry ballads and wondered what happened to the genre of “Sexy and Sophisticated, Romantic, Grown-Up Music”?  Just where did it disappear to?  For those of us fortunate enough to remember when these beautiful musical testament’s to the art of love were freshly minted we have only to go to the nearest Sirius channel or CD compilation. But the younger generation knows almost nothing of this genre of music because theirs is mostly focused on vain and vulgar proclamations of sexual prowess, animosity, violence.  Looking toward my friend I realized that unlike my generation, theirs has no “Grown, Sophisticated and Sexy” music to mature into.  It is difficult to believe these teens and young adults will continue listening to the same juvenile beats written in a kiddie and teen vernacular when they enter their late thirties and forties.  Will they graduate from the world of bubble gum and day glow coloured sneakers and reversed baseball caps to the hand-crafted, batik’ed and hand-embroidered sophistication of Neo-Soul?  Or will they continue to be obsessed with a changeless realm of music narrowly focused on being pseudo ghetto and gangsta when they are pushing their fifties, sixties and up?

The younger generation seems to have rejected love, in the sense that former generations have known, treating is as a weak, transient and vulnerable thing not a strong, lasting and empowering thing.  In its place they celebrate sex as if it were a conquest in some surreal video game in which one wins by having the most freaky and dispassionate sexual encounters.  This is a generation of “Sexual-Gamers” whose approach to love is more like Pac Man, gobbling up all the players and scoring points in an endless game of acquisition without ever doing anything purposeful or resourceful with the spoils like establish a long-term, functional relationship for example.  The most obvious hypothesis, and therefore the least likely, is that this generation has never been taught the virtues and subtleties of love by their forbears.  But we know the human experience to be one of universal enlightenment.  Love has a way of being discovered notwithstanding race, ethnicity, sex or intellectual capacity; it is as germane to our being as the very chromosomes that pre-design each and every cell of our bodies. 

The death of love songs means only one thing when viewed from the eye of the historian who understands the nature of the beings known as mankind.  When this generation begins to mature it will tire of a music that fails to respond to the insights, hopes and yearnings of mature men and women who have lived rich and full lives and need music that is written on a level they can relate to. Men and women entering their forties and above will want music that mirrors the beauty, pain, struggle and triumph of their own lives; an experience far removed from a ten performer on stage or a  grown-up, ghettoized minstrel working with third grade lyrics. They will find it odd and disconcerting that their children can relate to the same vintage they do… they will desire something far more complex which separates them from their offspring.  One day they will see beyond the meaningless, banal and insincere sex, the easy money, the bling and flash, the childish temper tantrums, threats and ranting’s, the bragging and posturizing, the whole over-commercialized fantasy will evaporate in lieu of the constructs of the real world.  Suddenly they will realize that nothing in the lyrical content of the popular machine has prepared them for the reality of love and all its complexities.  Suddenly they will discover that in spite of the vulnerability and potential volatility they have a genuine need for love and companionship, for intelligent and artful intimacy, and they do have a need to consummate their desire to fulfill their sexual and emotional passions with one very special human being or with a chosen few.  There will be a revival of romantically sophisticated music, it is certain and when this trend manifests itself not only will it open up a new/old door of musical interest and creativity but it will fill the world with a new and lovely sound of surprise!

Written by D. Vollin

A BLACK AMERICAN MAN’S THOUGHTS ON THE 4TH OF JULY…

A BLACK AMERICAN MAN’S THOUGHTS ON THE 4^TH OF JULY…

The fourth of July is always a bittersweet day to me.  On July 4^th, 1776 Black people were effectively written out of the great socioeconomic promise of this country.  It took Black Americans 188 years to finally change turn the nation’s policy in the direction of their favor, an accomplishment earned with the most intensive of struggle… 

An ever vigilant Sojourner Truth

I like to believe that the founding fathers, enlightened as they were, embedded the kernels of freedom in the Declaration of Independence knowing that one day the hidden argument for freedom would finally be successfully argued.  But that is at best a poetic leap of faith, a romanticized maybe because at the end of the day it was only through struggle that freedom was finally achieved.  On July 4, 1776 the founding fathers opined not to invest in an historic opportunity to thoroughly realise their vision of freedom including their brothers in struggle who had fought beside them during the difficult American Revolutionary War, turning their backs on the Black American man.

A thoughtful Lucretia Coffin Mott

Emancipation day appears to be a more appropriate time for Black Americans to join in celebration, with food, fellowship and colorful incendiaries… Lincoln and Frederick Douglass, Sojourner Truth, Susan B. Anthony, John Brown and other activists rather than the founding fathers appear to be the appropriate icons for those votaries of freedom who trace their ancestry back to free African slaves stolen from their homes and civilizations and thrust into a hellish cycle of fear and inhuman brutality.  The sociopathic nature that characterized the enforcement methods of institutionalized enslavement continue to affect the psyche of Black Americans traumatized by centuries of abuse.  Likewise, the insanity and pathology typified by those who enforced institutionalized slavery upon innocent men, women and children continues to haunt the psyche of white Americans who must divorce themselves from the sociopathic traditions of racism.  Emancipation Day completes the bright but underdeveloped promise of July 4^th 1776 as does the Civil rights Acts of 1964 and 1968 bringing true freedom in America full circle... 

A dapper John Brown

To a Black American man who is enlightened the fourth of July is represents a critical date in the evolution of human freedom, the culmination of centuries of social debate and evolution known as the Enlightenment but yet another stumbling block for the Black man in his continued struggle for freedom and equality in a land he has now earned the right to call home…

A youthful Frederick Douglass

Written by David Vollin on July 4^th, 2013