THE ART AND PHILOSOPHY OF BEING SINGLE

THE ART OF BEING SINGLE

A 21ST CENTURY BACHELLOR 

 

CHAPTER ONE: THE AWAKENING OF WHAT WE ARE…

 

I am an artist whose primary medium for the past 40 or so years has been perfecting the art of being and remaining handsomely single. I aspire to be living proof that the phenomenon of social singularity or bachelorhood when expressed as a distinctive lifestyle may be cultivated and elevated to a fine art. To that end, I am an artist at being single.

 

For me bachelorhood has been a happy state of existence during those decisive periods in my life when I was not engaged in the brief but concentrated pursuit of monogamous bliss. Monogamy seems to have been forever dangled before me like the pastel-coloured stationary toys suspended from a baby’s playpen. No sooner had I become bored by operant journey they promised did I philosophically opt-out in order to pursue the more lustrous opportunity to manufacture and explore my own notions of happiness. Comparatively, I find that I have spent the majority of my adult life as a single man and at this age I am surprised to discover a vast, growing and largely uncelebrated world of men like me. Men who have fashioned their lives to explore the unselfish freedom of singularity. Such men defy the assumption that singularity is merely a transitional state along the road to monogamy. For men who have chosen the single life bachelorhood is our r'aison d'etre.

 

Traditionally bachelors and the single lives they live are qualified against the condition of being permanently hitched. The world measures single men against our opposite condition as if the ultimate and only state of mature human existence was marriage. Marriage is a paradigm rejected by men who envisage a different form of social expression for their lives that does not tie them down with traditional roles of manhood and family.  Bachelors courageously opt-in to a more comfortable and unfettered existence where they can delve deeply into the unfathomed possibilities of manhood and humanity the way a priest excludes the secular world to explore the spiritual. The simple fact of the matter is that every man is not suited to marriage and all the better if those men identify themselves early in the game. We are proud to be self-proclaimed bachelors. Our bragging rights are the same as our married counterparts. Bachelors celebrate the anniversary of their commitment to the single life the way married men celebrate their wedding anniversaries. Should I endeavor to initiate a tradition it should be that of the bachelors ring as a celebratory icon the antithetical counterpart of the wedding ring.  I fully expect every confirmed bachelor out there who does not celebrate the anniversary of their singularity to begin on this very day. And if you do not already know the exact date that you were born again unto singularity simply invent a date or choose one because it is long overdue… beginning now you should and after reading this article you must set aside a time each year to celebrate the anniversary of your bachelorhood.

 

If I could re-live certain portions of my life I would certainly not edit away every committed relationship I ever had instead to have remained a single man In spirit and body. I count myself fortunate to have realised my true nature at an age when I still had the lustiness to explore it. I realise such a poetic editing of “amour rate” is an impossibility and am thankful to be able to have learned from those honest explorations of humanity. Any mistakes that may have been made have resulted in invaluable lessons learned and bought me full-circle to the happily single man I am today. Being a bachelor does not mean that one is critical of and disrespectful to marriage and monogamy as the two are merely options in many ways as much equal as they are opposites.

 

The best thing about being a single man in the twenty-first century is that I can be me without any need for pretense or fear of repercussion. Because of my stubbornness I can handle criticism. I am accepted both internally and externally as a bachelor and am processed and targeted for economic consumption in this modern cyclone of inexorable data like everyone else. What matters is that I have the intellectual savvy to out-wit the umbrella of lifestyle marketing combined with the intrinsic sensibility to understand who I would and should like to become as a man. I am an invention not a product. I use whatever is available at the time to manufacture a pathway to where I want to go taking time to ensure that path is ethically paved, morally roofed and walled wherever there is need of such stabilizing features. The built-in vulnerability which appears to go along with even the best-built human construct will keep me humble, focused and educated for the next challenge…

 

CHAPTER TWO: THE BACHELOR LIFE

 

In the summer of 2003, I began to contemplate again what had always been so compelling and I daresay so very alienating to me as a boy. It stood before me strangely familiar, forbidding, urgent, and intriguing. As a young child of 5 years, I expected and even dreamed of marrying a handsome, professional gentleman. At 40 I had scarcely imagined the spectre of what a “Male Spinster” might be but I began to cull references beginning from childhood that allowed me to finally define it. I remembered having eaves-dropped on my parents as a boy while they discussed a woman who was unmarried and seemingly without any of the necessary charms, interest or prospects to marry. My mother and father meant no malice by implying that she may have been a spinster. It was a common conclusion for grown folk to make in the reckoning of that time. Nonetheless, I stored the term in the backroom of my 1^st grade vocabulary where it remained until I developed the discernment to throw it away. It was a word that I had never been able to compare with others that my pre-pubescent ears overheard in conversations about mature, single men. There appeared to be no adjective that came close to describing a single man in the manner the term spinster rendered a woman although the same red flag unfurled and waved upon its utterance. Of course, that flag has ever been emblazoned with an unmarried warning sign. To that end I am living proof that children are detective time-bombs absorbing everything they hear to be processed at some undetermined time in the future. From my early listenings’ I deduced that men and women were expected to marry by a certain age although it made no difference to me whether anyone other than my parents was married or single. At that youthful time anyone older than 20 seemed inestimably old. Though the idea of a male spinster was not yet defined in my mind I continued cross-referencing those conversations about gentlemen of that ilk until I had manufactured a rather cheeky caricature to match the mood. It was to become the fateful archetype of an unfamiliar species now known as the male-spinster a character so closely resembling modern man’s dilemma with social and sexual evolution. That concept now indelibly coined as a male spinster became the embodiment of all my fears as a young man secretly struggling to escape being single, lonely, passionate and vulnerable. Unfortunately, I had completely mis-understood him by desperately trying not to become him. A true male spinster might have courageously embraced his singularity as an expression of his freedom and even perhaps as a deliberate act of civil disobedience. In fact, a true male spinster would never attach himself to that label nor allow others to do so. The entire idea of a male spinster is ridiculous, an absurdly vacuous attempt to simplify a phenomenon that deserved but had not been given proper thought. With this realization I forever discarded the spurious persona of the male spinster. He never was and could never truly exist beyond the ghostly whisp of a rapidly disintegrating mirage composed of insecurity, fear and ignorance. For me, that spectre had never so inextricably revealed itself than when I entered a gay bar for the first time observing a lugubrious row forty-some gentlemen having cocktails alone. Do not mistake my digression, I am not attempting to claim bachelorhood and singularity as a gay thing. To the contrary they are as much a part of the common human experience as life itself. My personal experiences as a gay man have shaped the way I have come to understand them, it is from that perspective that this story is being told and the realness from which it has earned its relevance. Looking through the waters between then and now I realize my failure to appreciate the phenomenon of male singularity was tied to the greater inability of society to understand the nature of bachelorhood. It like so many other blind-spots in the streaming of human progress challenges the very wit of humanity to refine and perfect itself. That stream and the momentum it will achieve once liberated from a male-defined parallax should presently expect to gaze upon its inevitable deconstruction in the holistic mindfulness of the present and future. Rest assured that that is indeed a good thing if not only because it will lead us all to contemplate and legitimately build a more intelligent understanding of that which has heretofore eluded us.

 

It is no irony that our discussion of twenty-first century bachelorhood should begin with single women.  In many ways greater attention has always been paid to the situation of single women in modern, Edwardian and Victorian culture for the simple reason that it openly challenged the status quo. The genre of the “Single Woman” has had many names throughout history. In hip mid-century modern lingo, it was, “Bachelorette”.  The antique terms “Spinster” or “Old Maid were used to reference unwed Victorian/Edwardian women. Men and surprisingly women have always resented these powerful ladies who refused to marry as an act of civil disobedience. For that reason alone the term spinster should be wiped from our lips and replaced with something closer to heroine or pioneer. Prior to the sexual revolution of the 1960’s singularity in women was considered to be an oddity, a social anomaly and was either criticized or exploited by men and by women who chose to see the world only through the prejudiced lenses of men. Single women of today aren’t much different from their male counterparts save for their sex. We can no longer condemn them to a shelf of obsolescence kept for spinsters or display young, nubile bachelorettes on a chauvinist pedestal for beatific adoration. One of the first steps toward honoring single women is to stop defining them by male standards. That said it would clearly be problematic to define men by female standards. So the flawed prism of spinster realness is in the end incapable of illuminating either sex, it is a bankrupt concept altogether. Bringing this discussion full circle requires us to admit that the lives of single men have eluded our study whilst we were otherwise keenly focused on suppressing the enfranchisement of single women. We have never stopped punishing single women for being successful mothers and professionals in spite of the fact that they were unmarried. Suffrage is incontrovertibly linked to bachelorhood both symbolically and ideologically and I believe that in order understand either one we need to dig deeper utilizing the proper tools. Those tools are necessary to open the valve of understanding, to release the pressure built up by millennia of bias. Those tools bring about inclusion and tolerance and that is also what they are made of.  I find that one of the best tools is definition/clarification so the next two paragraphs will be spent making critical clarifications. Clarification is the mightiest of tools. Since we are now, (and no pun is intended), gathered together to discuss singularity and bachelorhood let us begin to define them.

 

SINGILARITY: The term “Singularity” has been poetically and strategically dispersed throughout the chapters of this article. Please do allow me to personally explain what is meant when I use it. I use the words singularity and bachelorhood interchangeably. Singularity is another one of those English words that has many different implications depending on the context to which it is being applied including the ability to have absolutely nothing in common with any established definition. One good example is when it is the product of pure artifice or invention as with slang or as poetic expression. The English language never grew so prolifically as it did during the time once called the Postmodern Era when House, Rap and Hip-Hop culture literally redefined it. With respect to the term singularity the simplest of its meanings is the state or condition of being single. After that its litany of its definitions begin to venture into a dizzying reticulation of Greek philosophy, metaphysics and other mathematical protuberances. So, in the interest of simplicity let’s say that singularity is a term I have poetically borrowed from scientists to describe the state or condition when humans do not aspire to be traditionally partnered or married. Singularity may include people who live alone and are what we call loners’ but it more typically describes those who simply do not marry. These unmarried “Singulars” may live communally with friends, family, lovers, etc. or not. The term singularity is not meant to imply a hermitic, antisocial lifestyle but I can see how it would be an infinitesimally minute subset of the collective albeit at the very extreme of the spectrum. My point is only that singularity is perfectly normal, it is common to the human experience. It is neither gay nor straight. It is my opinion that singularity is a lifestyle that lends itself to a healthy exploration of the infinite permutations of mature, human relationships.

 

As an observer of the human condition, I only bother to write about things that have been overlooked by others. One might say that I actually take my own writing seriously so if I am writing about anything it is a serious matter.  Now it may be folly to ever take oneself too seriously however, I do believe I do not cross that line. I have always believed that good writing is also entertaining. That is to say that we writers must be able to poke fun at ourselves and at our subject not to detract from it but in order to humanize it. It was once said by a very wise friend that “Human beings are nothing if not humorous and also because we are imperfect, I am sure that after god created men he quickly realized he needed a sense of humor in order to love and understand them”. In the past bachelorhood has been treated as a social pandoras box. It’s actually not that serious… the funny thing is how the hopes dreams and aspirations of single men are so similar to those of married men. I suppose it all hearkens back to some primordial instinct for self-preservation or something. In my adulthood I was finally able to quantify the missing connections between the way I was socialized to marry and the way I chose to remain single. In that moment of clarity I smiled realizing the humorous similarity between singularity and marriage is that while married men strive to protect and defend their marriage single men strive to protect and defend their singularity. Amen!

 

BACHELOR: The term bachelor has many nuances but its foundation is and has always been defined as an unmarried man who has elected to remain single and who has cultivated a distinct lifestyle around his singularity. Bachelors include all races and ethnicities all religions. Bachelors come in all shapes and sizes so the one thing which unifies them is that they have chosen a singular life. A bachelor can be a young or mature man but I believe that the bachelor lifestyle is especially well suited for a gentleman of any age.

 

Modernity has ushered in a new social order that that has pleasantly updated the very nature of gentility. The result is that a man from any socioeconomic echelon can become a gentleman. The art of gentlemanliness is not a dying art, it is an evolving one. Bachelorhood can be a crown on the head of a gentleman or any man who aspires to be gentlemen. I like to believe that it is our gentility which fuels mankind’s evolution toward a more civilized species.

 

Singularity and Bachelorhood can be as simple or complex as you make them. Hopefully there is an underlying reason why a man decides to live a single life beyond mere circumstance. If not, there is still plenty of room for understanding in this great world of ours. What really matters is that a man is happy with his choice and that his choice is accepted and supported by others. It is important that single men do not allow themselves to be placed in an ivory tower they should be comfortable at ground level with their lifestyle and must assert themselves with dignity to establish their niche in modern society. Bachelors have led quiet lives over the centuries so there is so much that is unknown about them. It may be that a conservative existence is the secret of their success but one wonders how long the quiet will last as their numbers continue to grow.

 

Why is the number of single men growing? Does it represent the breakdown of family values or does it mark their evolution? Are bachelors’ men who simply failed at becoming husbands?  Are single men single because they are fundamentally unattractive or lack some essential element required to establish and cultivate a monogamous relationship or a family?  Are bachelors’ sex-crazed maniacs adopting a lifestyle that allows unbridled pursuit of their decadent sexual appetites? The answer is of course no. Americans are legendarily adept at cooking their fears and ignorance into a generalized pot and then calling out the stew of their imagination as evil. Singularity should not be treated as the erosion of family values it is merely one of its permutations. Dismantling our fear of singularity builds positive change such as the reversal of centuries of institutionalized racism against Black Americans. In my opinion there is a general fear associated with an increase in the number of single men and women and with it comes a distinct prejudice that extends into every spectrum of their lives. Prejudices against single persons exists in our tax structure, financing of residential and other investments, retail, hotel and eating/drinking establishment accommodations. Single men and women have generally accepted these improprieties as if it is okay for them to be penalized for being single. Contemporary American culture is hard-wired in favor of monogamy and its ultimate consummation… marriage. There are many factors contributing to the increase in single men and now more than ever it raises the question of whether the economic and human contributions of single American citizens are as important as those made by married citizens. What is most important is that the growing number of single men understand their responsibility to ensure their rights are supported in every aspect of American public and private life and by its hallowed institutions.

 

Modern men are exploring the freedoms of the sexual revolution that release them from the expectation to marry and parent children. These men are opting to refocus energies once devoted to the traditional pursuit and maintenance of spouses, children and family life in new directions but that does not mean they are exempt from contributing to a healthy and functional reorganization of family and community. America is challenged with the problem of creating good incentives to shepherd this change. Singularity is a private choice it must not be punished by prejudice as an attempt to discourage it. At the end of the day its all about respecting freedom of choice from a respectable distance! Modern Americans are slow to evolve that higher-order of maturity and gentility allowing other civilized cultures to observe, understand and respect privacy from a distance…

 

Modern men who elect a lifestyle of singularity are not freaks or failures they are simply people who have thoughtfully chosen not to opt-in to a traditional monogamous life. I do not believe that any judgement or prejudice can effectively diminish the power of a man’s choice to pursue a life of singularity when it has been purposefully made. That is to say that singularity is not the consolation prize for secular happiness and success. For those who pursue singularity happiness and success are its goal and objective. Men may enter a life of singularity due to innumerable circumstances but even if singularity is not a man’s first choice if it represents where he is and therefore it must be respected. No matter how he enters singularity once a man understands where he is and decides he would like to remain single most of the hard work has been done. Since the movement toward regimented family values during the 1980’s single people have lost whatever gains they may have made in the 60’s and 70’s. Today single men have to work hard to update institutions that fail to cater to their unique needs.

 

Strip away the playboy image of bachelor-hedonist, remove the odd-couple image suggesting social anomaly and replace it with the updated brand of a single man with purpose. Bachelorhood is the science and art of masculine self-expression. It bears social weight including ethical responsibility to community and humanity. Bachelors, singular by nature share common characteristics with the world. Once America gets on-board with this unstoppable movement it will glean true progress. The principles of singularity as it relates specifically to unmarried men are no different from those of married men or men with families. The new single man must own his responsibility to uphold and shepherd those aspects of civilized life that unify and move us forward as human beings. If bachelorhood can be idealized it would be personified by the modern gentleman bachelor. American culture must evolve to embrace and support singularity.

 

Thank you for taking time to participate in the second of an ongoing series of articles that I intend to share with you. Many of the topics briefly touched-on will be fully explored in upcoming chapters. I hope you have enjoyed our time and please do look out for the next chapter.       

 

Written By:

BIGDADDY BLUES