HOW TO END A RELATIOSHIP: An Opening Towards Bringing Closure...

The reason why there are no golden rules gleaming out at us from The Book of Love, in a subsection of the magical, timeless chapter of "Relationships" is because love is never supposed to end! The traditions of our culture support the concept of an eternal partnership, equipped with a divine and perpetual covenant, a government-issued decree but with no operations manual or comprehensive exit plan tucked away in the packaged sale of goods. No small wonder that in the 21at century buyers are wary of making this purchase... The ultimate commitment for love is no longer supported by the underlying structure of American culture in practise. Today, love is very much like a web page without a server. Although divorce has become an accepted solution for dysfunctional relationships it is still frowned upon as an unfortunate rather than refreshing exit strategy. When we encounter problems online we hit the refresh button and the web page redivivates itself instantly... not so with love and relationships I am afraid.

For those without a marriage or other legal bond to their relationship the dynamics of separation are far less tedious from a legal perspective. I have heard many people that are married say that they view informal relationships not bound by legal or marriage vows as spurious. How could we who have nothing on paper compare our relationship with a bonafide marriage? Those of us who have been in very intimate and fulfilling relationships, (but not married), have the privilege of objectively assessing both sides of the broom we see legal marriage for what it often is... nothing more than a paper-marriage.



And that is all that a marriage really is until it has had a chance to survive the tests of time... a license to a dream on paper. It is not my intent to "qualify" this relationship or that covenant... though, I want to take it to the head in "bar-speak" and talk about the other side of the wisteria and lily garlanded, silver belled, white lace embroidered, multi-tiered pastried adventure that we experience on our way out of love... "How To End A Relationship"! Now that is information worth putting into a manual, one preferably that comes in a handy pocket-sized version with a heavy-duty binding. It is information that can be easily uploaded to an MP-3, cellular phone or electronic information device.



Marriage, Partnership, Relationship, Affair, Fling, Escapade, Rendezvous, whatever the case may be they all seem to come crashing to a catastrophic end all too soon... and when they do what we need most in our arsenal of solutions for moving ahead is a good plan of action.

The untimely demise of a loving relationship, (untimely may be or may not be an appropriate term depending on which disgruntled partner you ask), must take into account these important things:

1.       Is it practical or mandatory to at least maintain a working transitional friendship?

2.       Will you and your new ex be sharing the same premises and perhaps bed?

3.        Are there children involved?

4.       Have arrangements been made to manage mutual bills, material possessions and other personal financial commitments?

5.       Have you and your partner sufficiently discussed mutual concerns regarding factors that may have precipitated the break-up?

6.       Have you thoroughly assessed your personal needs and concerns?  Have you written them down and brainstormed positive/realistic outcomes and solutions that put you in control with a strategy for re-establishing yourself?

7.       Have you and your partner developed a uniform strategy to deal with social demands and stress generated by mutual friends and colleagues?

8.       Having taken all of the prior steps, (1-7), into account, have you and your partner taken time to step back, think, and re-visit these issues at least once in a follow-up meeting?

9.       Do you honestly know what your next move will be in this process? Are you prepared emotionally, physically and financially to manage the dynamics of the breakup?

10.   Never allow a break-up to cause you to lose your job, the one resource you will need during a time of crisis.

When a relationship is in its declining stages It may be difficult if not altogether impossible to maintain a working friendship, a place of neutrality to create a conceptual workshop to sort-through the difficult task of breaking up together.  I have found that working out the details of ending a relationship forces both ex-partners to bond in a way that bridges the gap between lovers and ex-lovers.  Helping one another pack and even move into their new spaces is a healthy task that can bring an amazing sense of closure and mutual respect at the end of a difficult phase in your life.

If you live with your partner and find that it you cannot maintain a healthy friendship while bringing closure then you should consider moving out if you are able to manage it.  If both parties agree to coexist without any form of communication and it works… then you have at least created a temporarily stable household that will afford you time to figure out your next move but remember that such precarious relationships are highly unstable and do not last for long as pent-up frustrations continue to build-up unresolved.

If both parties are faced with the management of children, know that they will be directly affected by the separation of their family; the parents must resolve their anger with one another and find a mature compassionate  way to help the children navigate through the breakup process.  Unless the children are infants, too young to understand what is going on they will be keenly keyed in to the breakup anyway.    Responsibility to manage the stress of these circumstances falls directly upon the heads of both parents who must now handle stress on two fronts.  The bottom-line is that children did not choose to be children… this choice was made by the two adults to whom they look up to and call parents.  All of the weight and responsibility will fall on the parents’ heads.  Parents… if you cannot handle it maybe you need to strongly re-consider breaking up and fix your relationship!

Breaking up is a highly emotional process but once you have fully committed to this path of action you will be faced with some very serious decisions about how to manage mutual bills, material possessions and other personal financial commitments.  If you are not living with your partner and do not mutually own property including a business, banking accounts, etc., then there are no worries here other than mutually retrieving personal items that may have been left at each other’s respective homes.  Be sure to work out proprietary issues so that no one feels as if they are leaving the relationship with less than they are entitled to.  In any case my advice is to handle these matters with dignity.  Using your partner’s vulnerability with respect to finances, possessions and professional matters as a means of attack is ungentlemanly.  When two people are hurt enough to end a relationship, dealing with their ex with genuine politeness and tact is hardly at the top of their list.  Take my good advice gentlemen… keep it classy!

These practical preparations for bringing closure to a relationship are pretty much a no brainer… but as I have said… emotion often overrides rational thought, so a gentleman must constantly manage his emotions so that he may remain in control of his faculties if not only for the sake of his own dignity, for the dignity of his partner whom he had at least once loved on a time.  That love, however distant and besmirched by deeds for which there is not turning back to undo must finally count for something gentlemen…

Now that chattels and interests and other material things have been accounted for it will be time to deal with some requisite human issues.  If it is still possible for you and your partner to sit down and discuss mutual concerns regarding factors that may have precipitated the break-up now is the time to do so.  Before you come to the table give yourselves some time to assess your personal needs and concerns.  In order to go into the ring with a positive agenda when you come to the discussion table you should have both brainstormed positive/realistic outcomes and solutions.  Each partner must develop a strategy that will effectively put them back in control and re-establish themselves as a single, independent person.  As I recall each breakup I experienced, at some point my partner and I had a long, exhausting talk until we were both drained.  Unfortunately we did not efficiently deal with those issues that came up at or after the point of exhaustion.  Gentlemen… my suggestion is to plan ahead and break up your discussions with your ex even setting an agenda based on mutual lists but limited to only a few topics per session. 

My advice to you is to take the most positive route you can to rebuild yourself.  Relationships take a lot out of us unless we have been selfish and have allowed our partner to do all the hard work.  If this is the case you will know… that is if you are truly a mature gentleman.  If you are not a gentleman and are still immature then you may not recognize it now or at all… This may be the reason why your relationship is now at an end. 

For those of you who have a partner that has cut off all contact and is not amenable to discussion or any other form of communication… You my brotha are completely on your own.  You will need to be mature and if you do not have a mentor that can help you navigate through this process with minimal scarring and bitterness then you must go through all of the steps I have outlined above including those with which I will conclude in order to heal yourself and bring your own healthy sense of closure.

Once you have had time to work out the issues with your partner, whether in one marathon discussion or broken down into segments as I have suggested you must then take time to step back for a breather.  In a few days or weeks, depending on what generosity time allows, you both must come back to the table and share whatever insights and additional concerns that came to light as a result of the first discussion.  It may be necessary to have yet another follow-up until you both feel that you have covered all ground. 

Whenever I am faced with a really tough decision I get a lump in my throat and congestion in my chest, my voice gets scratchy and high pitched… I am upset.  The process of breaking-up is almost never an easy or enjoyable one unless both parties have truly transcended their relationship and mutually realize that the ending of their union has potentially launched them on a new and more exciting journey leaving them with new wisdom in the form of the lessons learned through breaking up.  The reality is that we are not always financially physically or emotionally prepared for the immediacy of the moment.  The dynamic of a breakup often involve moving out from a place where we were comfortable and able to afford.  Living alone is far more expensive than splitting the bills down the middle and with children it gets even more difficult to pull off.  If our credit, savings or other personal factors are not in order then it may be a real struggle even finding a new place.  When a relationship ends in a catastrophic blow out and one person is forced to leave for whatever reason, they may even be faced with temporary homelessness.  This is the cold reality of breaking up!  For a confirmed bachelor like myself, humming the tune, “God Bless The Child”, validates all of my past experience and wisdom concerning matters of the heart.  At the end of the day, “It Is What It Is” Brothas!  Just remember this; If you are faced with being put out or losing your home and property due to a break-up this is a time to forget your pride and ask for help! Help can come if you can humble yourself to receive it. 

One more word of advice my brothas.  The dynamics of a bitter and painful break-up can affect your ability to focus and this can cause you to lose your source of employment if it is not put in check!  In a time of crisis your source of employment, your source of income and independence may be the only place of salvation so keep it sacrosanct! Safeguard your job with all possible strength.  This means that you must not allow external harassment from your disgruntled partner to affect your job. 





Here is a general checklist of things not to get caught-up in during a break-up:

1.       Do not fight or threaten your partner.

2.       Do not destroy or throw out your partners possessions.

3.       If you suspect that your partner will falsely accuse you of a crime in order to have you arrested move out immediately and do not go near them.

4.       Do not tell either your friends or your partners friends that you plan to get them back or inflict any form of violence upon them.

5.       Keep your business to yourself! 

6.       When you see your partner getting crazy walk out and get away immediately.

Friends are often not friends, especially at times of unrest within your relationship.  As a gentleman you should be able to discuss any issue with your partner and the personal issues between you and your love should be sacrosanct!  If you find that your partner is sharing personal information with their friends and that they are being influenced by the advice of their friends then you should suggest that they take their friends on as lovers.  The same holds true for nosy and interfering family members.  If you are honestly not living up to your duties within your relationship because you are cheating or not handling your business as a man then you cannot begrudge the helpful and possible valuable advice given to your partner by loving and caring friends and family in the absence of any responsible input from yourself.  Again many men are blind to their treachery and weakness, so even the best advice may not be useful to them.  Maturity is something that happens through a process of evolution! It cannot be forced!

This is the last time in the world to be preoccupied by gossip or its potential.  Your relationship is coming to an end and eventually this will be common knowledge, brace yourself because friends will gossip and ask you inappropriate questions about your changing personal life.  Vultures will begin to speculate and lay claim on what they deem as new "Real Estate".  It will not be a socially comfortable time for you or your partner which is why you must work hard to be one anther's ally and friend during this time.  If it is clearly impossible to maintain discretion and your partner is a loose cannon shooting accusations and divulging your most personal intimate information in an angry, vindictive attempt to hurt you, lay low, say nothing and never have anything but positive things to say about your ex.  When your friends and enemies approach you as if concerned about your breakup the best strategy is to change the subject completely and look them in the eye to confirm that you are doing so.  If they persist as they probably will  you must either politely excuse yourself and walk away or kindly inform them that while you appreciate their concern you would appreciate their respect for your privacy.  Never get loud with them or make a scene! Handle it quietly, privately and with class! Your friends, (and those who pretend to be) are most likely less interested in helping you and more interested in procuring, confirming or getting more details on juicy gossip they have already heard.  If you want to test a person to see if they be friend or foe wait for them to approach you with concern and tell them something very personal you have completely made up, it is best if you and your ex are aware of this so that you can manage it later.  Be sure to tell the friend that under no circumstances is he to share this with anyone as it is highly personal and may make your break-up even harder.  Wait to see if this false gossip gets back to you, if it does you will know friend from foe.  But a warning to you... such games are not for critical break-ups, they are for ones that are manageable and in which both partners are communicating and supportive.  As I said before, there is no time to really manage gossip when your priorities should be focused on managing the proper ending of your relationship anyway.  

Here is a brief checklist for managing friends, gossip and drama during a break-up:

1. If possible manage your break-up quietly and privately with your partner.
2. Your partners friends may not be yours, consider that anything you share with them will be shared with your lover and perhaps embellished.
3. Manage what information you will share about your breakup including what friends and associates come to you with gossip so that you can weed then out.
4. Share which of your friends and associates come to you as vultures trying to get a date as soon as they see you are going to be on the market again.
5. If your partner is a loose cannon play mum! Say nothing if not a kind word to others and keep conversations brief and vague if you must say anything at all.
6. Keep a mental list of those friends and associates who become treacherous and manage them by keeping them ignorant.
7. Never allow anyone to force you to discuss your break-up. Politely change the subject or excuse yourself if they are persistent.  If necessary politely and firmly ask them to please mind their own business and leave the conversation.
8. Stay cool and calm! Never get emotional except in private or around friends that are proven allies and then only in private.
9. Remember, you can't stop people from gossiping and speculating, it is human nature to do so.  Focus on managing your break-up effectively and as privately as possible.
10. Never discuss your break-up at work with colleagues keep it strictly business and never allow the stresses of a break-up including gossip and unkind gestures of colleagues to get you into arguments at work.  While at work remain focused and never allow stresses to cause you to perform poorly on your job.  If you are too upset to work take some time off to clear your mind.

While you and your partner are managing your break-up it is important that you act as one another’s allies because gossip and envy will almost certain begin to circulate if it has not already begun.  Do not be paranoid.  It is human nature to gossip and just as children know what is going on any intelligent person who is close enough to you and your partner will know that something is not right.  What you can do is manage what they know.  Just because you are breaking up does not mean you are not still a team.  Handle this last stretch of road with class and finesse, only let out what you want to get out and then only when you are ready.  Don’t cry on your friends shoulders and make inflammatory remarks about your ex, it will surely get back to them! If it is your intent to hurt your ex then you are reading the wrong article about how to handle a break-up.  If you loved your ex enough to have sex with them, live with them, share with them or even have children with them how can you make a mockery of the love you clearly once felt by sinking to the lowest bottom line.  If you feel that you now hate the one you once loved then you are only fooling yourself!  I have no advice for such a person other than a referral to a psychiatrist! 

To revise a statement I made earlier: Using your partner as an object of attack to deal with your unresolved frustrations at the ending of a relationship is ungentlemanly.  When two people are hurt enough to end a relationship, dealing with their ex with genuine politeness and tact is hardly at the top of their list but it should be and if you are a mature gentleman then it is and will be a distinguishing hallmark of exemplary behavior.  Take my good advice gentlemen… keep it classy!

Written by:  David L. Vollin