Most of us, but not all of us, want or are open to be in a relationship of some kind... But when the tough and dirty business of actually maintaining a relationship with any degree of competency is thrust in our faces... it is all too often the telltale indicator of that point at which, "The Honeymoon Is Over"! To be more accurate, or cynical, as the case may be... it is also typically the point at which the relationship, for all practical purposes, is over...
I could not help but to assault a friend who recently, after declaring himself, "Far too burdened with school, work and other issues of getting his life in order," casually mentioned that he would not mind dating a person who had just walked by us, whilst having coffee and conversation at a local Washington, D.C cafe. I was livid with him.... in a way that only a black man can be livid! Having gone directly to Miriam Webster to extract the second definition identified as, "Ashen or Pallid", which we all know is not possible for a brown-skinned gentleman. Notwithstanding, my gentleman associate immediately picked up on my temperament and began some notion of explanation... nothing sufficient to absolve him from the cardinal sin he had just committed.
"Why" I asked, "Would you even... could you even contemplate entering into a relationship after telling me you do not have any time to devote to one."? Sips of coffee ensued... no response was forthcoming as he was contemplating and assembling a response which he would presently deliver after running it by his superego and superdaveego a couple of times. What would this man have to say? How could he defend himself? Transformed into a virtual "Bird Of Prey" I patiently awaited my chance to beak my victim! 
Fortunately we had chosen a very busy sidewalk cafe in a fashionable upper N.W. neighborhood so my eyes were supplied with more than enough visual entertainment whilst my gentleman friend developed what he felt would be a soul and face-saving response... for a minute, or five.... I kept my sermon adapted from something no less than, "Sinners In The Hands Of An Angry God" to myself... and admired what could be of the landscape...
I had long ago established a credo by which to live... not a manifesto... but a gentlemanly law intended to wipe and keep my ethical laundry clean, at least where it came to this aspect of a relationship. The high law, as I had envisaged it, would have read something like this:
"HEREIN, THESE RECITALS HAVING BEEN ACKNOWLEDGED BY ALL PARTIES AS EVIDENCE OF THEIR ASSOCIATION SHALL ESTABLISH THAT GREAT WEIGHT BE GIVEN TO THE PROPER, JUDICIOUS AND HUMANE ADMINISTRATION OF THE HIGH AND NOBLE GENTLEMANLY DUTIES AND RESPONSIBILITIES EXPECTED OF THIS FREE AND AUSPICIOUS RELATIONSHIP. FURTHERMORE, A FREE AND NON-BINDING COVENANT SHALL BE DECLARED, ESTABLISHED AND MAINTAINED THROUGH THE MUTUAL AGREEMENT OF ALL PARTIES. UPON DISSOLUTION OF THIS GENTLEMANLY COVENANT ALL PARTIES SHALL REALIZE CLOSURE IN A MANNER BEFITTING GENTLEMEN.Fortunately, I am not a lawyer, else I should have laughed even harder than I did after writing and reading and editing this paragraph of legal sounding mumbo-jumbo better suited to the likes of Sherlock Holmes and Watson than those of any twentieth century man. But it is strange how the language actually grew on me... not like a fungus... but as a well tailored beard, goatee or mustache. Notwithstanding, the formality... the message is very clear... "WITH COMMITMENT COMETH RESPONSIBILITY"!
Gentlemen I do implore you to take serious every occasion of intimacy, each innuendo of real or imagined association and by that rule, the far more lucid and the clearly established attempts at relationships of any kind! Be mindful of what you say and do and it's impact on the person it will most directly affect.
If you know that you do not have time, energy and spirit to devote to the cultivation of a functional relationship please do not squander any ones time including your own. Please check your ego and libido in lieu of another solution that will weigh far lighter upon your ethical administration. Never start something you know you will not be able to complete with the utmost care... never be afraid or ashamed to say simply, "Thank you so very much for your interest and attention, however at this time I am not able to completely devote the level of attention to a relationship with you that I feel would be necessary to complement your own."
I want to know was he able to come back with appropriate response
ReplyDeleteWell Jordan... funny you mentioned this because it was the whole point of the story and I deliberately left it unfinished... I wanted you... the reader to finish the story... this mans response was his own but I want you to put yourslef in his shoes and tell me what you think he said and also what you would have done?
ReplyDeleteHmmmmmm very well put... But with saying that he doesn't have time to be in a relationship but would still commit to one if it was me I would always have time see the thing is to make time I always make time to spend with the one I care able so much
ReplyDeleteYour company simply has commitment issues. He also synonomously substitutes his vocabulary (according his experiences) as meaningful as he can to accommodate his free-lancing of the cosmopolitan landscape and by window-shopping without seeing the faux-pas image of himself------ a shell.
ReplyDeleteRemember this, my friend: ONLY QUALITY PEOPLE!!!
Jordan, I am from the shcool of thoght which says that regardless of what a man has presented as his, "Theme" or "Pholosoply" of life, and regarless of any "Manifesto" or "Playing Rules" established, any man will make time for love and drop whatever might serve to distract him when the right mixture of pesonality and opportunity present themselves... This is not to say that he will not squander this rare opportunity at happinesses, (if indeed this particular relationship is "The One"), because ultimately a man must have the maturity to not only stop, look and listen but to be able to effectively follow-through. As I have always maintained, this requires a very real time and energy comittment and a certail basic level of maturity and focus in order to be sucessful. I relpaced sucessful for what I was originally going to substitute, "Pull It Off," because the latter makes it sound more like a game and we both know that love and relationships are really not games at all... they are very serious phenomenon that demand realness, time and very rational thoght... One of the obsticles men are facing today with respect to being able to develop meaningful and rich relationships is the devotion of time... taking time to really get to know each other and focus on being friends and companions rather than just... "Lovers"! Obviously we can't be so blind as to think anyone can remove the sexual dynamic from the equation... but what we can do, through the process of becoming friends... is to place it in the proper perspective! Trust me when I say that friends are more confident in the face of adversity than mere lovers! If you have cultivated a relationship based primarily on your ability to satisfy the every changing and thirsty libido of another you have a "Lover" but not a "Partner". A Partner is someone who is going to be able to work out those changes in libido with you in ways that will actually enhance your relationship and take it to a higher and deeper level. The key is to be able to take time to first determine if you even want to be in a relationship of any kind with an individual... If you are still being distracted by all of the "goodies" of the cafe... take note! Because it's probably not your window... Do not mislead anyone if you are not serious! Let them know you are still sampling the delicacies... But take your time to determine what you really want and be honest... in this way no one can ever say that you mislead them or lied to them. A gentleman always guards his honor in this way. Men who have reputations of huring others and misleading them into thinking they are in love are often admired as playboys in our culture but anyone who has to lie when it is so very easy and mature to be honest has some very deeply rooted issues indeed and the kind of stable-minded mate that most of us will ultimately be looking for at some point in our lives will be repelled by this ugliness! A gentleman keeps a quiet but distingished and honorable posture... If he is out to play he admits it! A gentleman who has honestly responded to a perspective partner cannot be held liable for his honesty! If the other party recieves a status they are not happy with it is then their responsibility to maturely deal with it! You cannot condemn a gentleman who is unwilling to devote his time and energy to a relationship and is honest and up-front about it! He is giving you a very clear sign to move on! If you stay around looking to pick up scraps then you have only yourself to blame for your unhappiness and lack of true satisfaction...
ReplyDeleteAnonymous... I very much agree with you... the gentleman around whom I devloped this vignette does not appear to be ready for any type of meaningful relationship... Like most people he wants to be in a relationship, (because he has been told he must be in one from the time he was born), but he is still very much shopping and has not had that important mental revealation that allows a man to set his priorities in a ceertain place and develop his lifestyle in a manner that will ultimately be able to support that very thing... But be careful not to judge a man who openly admits that he is not ready or willing to develop a relationship of any substance... This is indeed such a man. Were you to meet him he would unequivocally tell you that he was not looking to be hitched! For some reason these tend to be the very men that lots of men and women tend to pursue as if only for the challenge! What you end up getting is a man whom you have beaten into submission not one who has had space and time to make a concious choice! Small wonder then that the vehemently coaxed lover often falls back into a predictable pattern of what many call "Infidelity"! But I challenge whether they were ever really and truly faithful in the beginning! What is the moral of this story? It is that we need time and we need to give those whom we love and are attracted to time to meet us on the same corner cafe and instead of being obsessed and preocuupied with all the sweets and goodies of the cafe... the two partners should be equally focused on one another with all else as a beautiful landscape... I know that this sounds way too idyllic... but anyone who has ever been in love knows that they are able to achieve this high level of focus on another individual... so the only factor to work out is finding another who is closely parallel to your emotional level... today we call it, "Being on the same page". Unfortunately for impatient twenty-first century romantics this takes a great deal of time and effort to be able to accurately determine. But know that statistically it is almost certain that if you do not both invest this time then you will both end up investing even more time wasted in trying to pull a fragmented relationship together that had never really been developed in the outset! Remember that an ounce of cure is worth a pound of prevention! Take it slow brothas... take it slow!
ReplyDeleteI really understand what your saying because a lot of relationships are not really relationships they are more like a satisfier to let out sexual tention people don't really take the time out to really I mean really get to know someone that why happy with who I'm with because not only is he my partner he is also my best friend and my lover we took the time to grow with one another and I'm proud of us both
ReplyDeleteJordan, you and your lover are a living testament to what I am always telling brothas... "You Gotta Put In The Good Time"! and "You Gotta Do The Groundwork First"! We
ReplyDeleteWe all know the risks of investing time with anyone... all that investment may not translate into a long term relationship... but at the very least it should create a life-long friendship because when two people bond they are not always meant to be lovers... they have to be mature and accept this. The main reason why men break-up on bad terms is because one or both of them has preconcieved something that was never meant to be instead of just going with the flow and finding out how far they were supposed to go...