Every man has a unique style of
lovemaking... but not so unique that it cannot be analyzed against a standard
set of what we shall call “Lovemaking Patterns”! As we look over the steamy history of Male
machismo with its long, infamous list of lovemaking legends, we cannot help but
ask ourselves, "Where do I fall within this "Great Sexual
Continuum"?" If we are looking for honest answers it might be better
that we seek guidance from our former lovers, but best if it could be in an
objective environment where they were completely at unawares that our
insatiable egos were eavesdropping... That is if our ex’s really could be
trusted to offer an objective report. Before
we get into the realm of soliciting past lovers for their evaluations of our
sexual stamina I have one important business matter to attend. “Bartender, I’d like a double on the rocks!”
.jpg)
Anyone who has watched the remake of
"The Stepford Wives" knows the bedroom could be the last place to
expect an honest evaluation of their sexual expertise from an ex. Yes people
will say anything, even if they don't mean it, in the heat of passion. So
then... we are left with a combination of our biased opinion of our sexual
prowess and a random assortment of offerings from past, present and imagined
lovers and the many half-recalled rendezvous that comprise the ever broadening
landscape of our sexual performance history... the burning question that should
be surfacing in your mind at this point is, "What Kind Of Lover Are You"?
or rather, “What kind of lover am I,
(meaning you… “Thanks Bartender!”.”
Well, after reading this article you
should have an answer... or at least a much better idea... let me start by
saying that I was moved to write this article because I observed that while men
seemed to be having intelligent or at least involved discussions about sex and
lovemaking online and elsewhere they lacked a well-developed understanding of the
psychological structure of sexuality itself, the nature of their libido, what
their partners and they were doing sexually in response to their natural sexual
instincts and desires, what their desires really consisted of and why they were
either acting or not acting on them in ways that would afford them greater
sexual freedom and confidence as men. I felt that this was because so few men
had actually taken time to analyze themselves sexually; I mean really stop, sit
down, think in a quiet undisturbed location and truly look inside them breaking
down their whole sexual operation. Since
sex is one of our most basic instincts, one that almost needs no teaching,
(remember I said almost… Cheers!), or instruction we all assume that it is one
of life’s most simple pleasures... and in fact it is... that is once we really
understand what we are doing and why human sexuality becomes more of the open
book we romanticize about, though having never read the book thoroughly
ourselves.
Experimenting with sex as a kid or
teenager is so much different from performing as a sexual adult. The adult
world of sexuality is a much more serious place to navigate and it requires
skills and determination that are only earned through trial and error. A good lover is a man who understands his
sexual desires and needs and who also takes time to understand those of his partners
in order to channel his energy in the direction for enjoyable, creative
sex. A good lover is more concerned
about his partners satisfaction than his own.
And as long as his partner is also on the same page they will both meet
at a mutual point of mature, sexual bliss.
A bad lover is a "Hacker" literally cutting his way through
the forest in reckless, unsophisticated abandon instead of navigating his way
in, around, across, through, over, under, etc., in a polished, stylish, mature
and talented manner. Nearly every man wishes to be considered to be suave in
bed... but it takes more than just the basic physical tools for a man to truly
perform with legendary talent when engaged in sex. Now I will not make the
mistake of excluding the category of men who do not aspire to achieve lofty
levels of sexual performance. There are many men who are ambivalent, have a
distinct disdain or are completely neutral about the issue of the level of
their sexual performance. Furthermore, sex may be such a mundane thing to them
that they never even think about it any further than as a cursory exercise... a
necessary means to an end, the end being the generic release of sexually based
tension. I do not profess herein to be the uncrowned savior of lost, bleak and
misguided sexual libidos... and conscience... I would like the readers of this
article to begin to visualize the importance of their personal role in the
shaping of every sexual experience they have ever encountered and will
encounter. I want men to relish the art of lovemaking and plan for it and
design it much the way they develop strategies for sports and other forms of
entertainment... but treating it as a mature and responsible exercise rather
than an adolescent game...
I was discussing this article with
woman with whom I enjoy vigorous discussions of sex and relationships; I
appreciate the variety of her opinion... she being woman and therefore having a
completely different frame of reference with respect to sexuality. Men are so
much different than woman when it comes to sex... but one of the common
attractions, for those who truly love sex, is a truly rich and memorable
experience. The most memorable sexual encounters are those which are unique...
and pleasurable... We store memories of our most pleasurable sexual encounters
beside our unexplored fantasies and each time we make love or have sex we add
to our history placing the most recent sex in its hierarchical niche with all
of our past encounters. New sex is
instantaneously rated against our entire sexual history. But if we do not truly understand why certain
sexual encounters rank higher than others it becomes only a primitive structure
into which we have superficially ranked some of the most complex and beautiful
as well as dysfunctional sexual encounters of our life… For such a monument to our life’s sexuality
we need to know more than it was good or bad or OK… we need to know why in a
much more sophisticated language of the mind.
“Bartender, more ice… and… yes…
thanks for topping it off with another shot!”
Being able to map out ones sexual
style does not necessarily preclude banality especially if the techniques and
rituals of lovemaking are constantly being refined and expanded upon. One thing
can be said for sexuality in the 21st Century relative to days past... It
really has become a serious game in which both partners are challenged to look
outside the box every time they make love in order to compete with the
maddening landscape of media and other stimuli.
As with most subjects we need first
to define the terms. This subject is broad enough to keep us embroiled in a
substantive discussion forever. So I will go for a simple definitions and hope
that they will suffice... if not then we will explore them further in your
comments. Remember... nothing is set in stone... the purpose of this article is
to engage you in an intellectual discussion... not mandate as if my opinion is
the final word on the subject. In the end we all know that lovemaking is such a
very personal, unique thing but something we all want to know is how good we
are... in-between the sheets and elsewhere wherever the landscape of lovemaking
takes us...
I want to get the technical jargon
out of the way so we can talk candidly. These sexual terms are objects of my
own artifice... in short... I made them up... and I did so well before the first cocktail
ever hit my lips. but they are contrived
to represent very real characteristics I have observed to typify human
nature... and I am certain that when you begin to think about them you will
agree, having observed them many times yourselves... so here we go...
This article seeks to identify
various "Lovemaking Styles". A style of lovemaking
specifically relates to a gentleman's bedside manner... it has nothing to do
with whether he is a good financial provider or if he is a handyman around the
house, a good neighbor or a bad one... that is unless these details are part of
an active fantasy involving sexual role playing, otherwise, it simply defines
his method of "throwing it down". In order to zoom in on a man’s
sexual style we must first identify the basic elements all lovemaking styles,
specifically we need to target what I call a man’s, "Lovemaking/Sexual
Arsenal or Repertoire". For instance, does he lick earlobes and if he
does, is his technique dry or wet? Does he lick or bite nipples? What is his
standard "Ritual" of sexual techniques including the length of
time employed, the intensity and the quality of the technique on his way to
penetration or to being penetrated? If we could sit down and write a step by
step narrative of everything we do while making love to another person what
would it look like? The pattern of a
man’s lovemaking techniques all define the sexual ritual he prefers.
EXCERSISE
#1:
This is the first exercise for each
reader to complete! Stop now and remembering the last time you made love, write
down everything you did including the time you spent doing it from start to
finish! Don’t question it, don’t try to analyze it, just do it now please for
this you will need a piece of paper and writing utensil so keep them both handy
during this article.
If you have successfully
accomplished this first exercise then you have taken the first step to "Mapping"
your personal lovemaking style. It has been my observation that a man’s
"Lovemaking Style" typically changes with each different sexual
partner. Each pair or groups of lovers possess their own unique “Sexual
Style-Identifiers" and "Contextual Sex-Style-Identifiers".
For instance, a gentleman, (politely, without ever identifying the identity of
his partner), described in detail the location, manner of dress and specific
manner of dialogue pertaining to a recent sexual encounter. It became evident,
as he provided more detail, that the minutiae of detail; In the fire stairway
of his girlfriend’s condo; At the top of the stair before the penthouse door;
at 4:00a.m.; and fully unclothed, represented unique sexual style identifiers
to the ritual of his lovemaking style with that partner. the place, a highly
utilized representing a substantial element of risk especially while
they were naked in a confined space set up the sexual
identifiers. No matter where or with whom this man has sex his preferred style
is in places where there is a high risk of discovery. Sexual style identifiers
are elements that help you map a unique sexual style and ritual. They are
unlike elements of a sexual repertoire, which deal primarily with specifically
applied sexual techniques such as kissing, licking, or sucking or stroking for
example. A sexual style identifier is more related to the creation of a mood or
theme for lovemaking whereas contextual sex-style-identifiers are very specific
details about the place, time, position, texture, color, sound, attire, etc.,
and includes elements set the conditions for the type of environment intended
for lovemaking such as lighting, temperature, etc.,.
Now there are two basic types of
lovemaking styles; First is the "External-Gratifier" and
Second if the "Self-Gratifier" or “Internal-Gratifier”. The
External Gratifier is almost totally empathetic, he is focused on satisfying
his partner and closely monitors their reactions to every sexual technique he
employees. He is most in tune with what pleases his partner and measures his
sexual power by his ability to please. Contrary to this, the Internal Gratifier
is concerned about his own sexual satisfaction above that of his partner. For
our purposes we will refer to their respective styles as "Internally-Identified
Lovemaking Style" and "Externally-Identified Lovemaking
Style"
Of course, whether a person possesses
an Internally-Identified Lovemaking Style or an Externally-Identified
Lovemaking Style is determined by Internal or External Identified Rituals. That
is to say that it is ultimately the arsenal of sexual techniques, organized in
an effective ritual of application that will send the message home... I cannot
over-simplify the sexual roles implied by the Internal and
Externally-Identified Styles as Top and Bottom or Dominant and Submissive
because there are so many other variables that lay in between these extremes.
The wonderful thing about polarity though, is that it does begin to define some
kind of tangible landscape for this broad territory.
Whether a man will assume a sexual
role as an External or Internal Gratifier significantly depends upon his
temperament at the time that he becomes aroused, however as is more than likely
the case many men will stay relatively close to home emulating a similar
pattern each time they have sex. Male
arousal looks for and is triggered by recognizable, familiar, stimulus which is
why some men never attempt to change their lovemaking style because it always
works for them. The problems arise when
a man fails to recognize the necessity of varying his lovemaking style and
loses interest due to what is called, “Stimulus Saturation”. Men can be very stubborn indeed, refusing to
vary from old and proven sexual rituals even if it becomes clear that they no
longer produce the desired effect. At
this point a man has only three choices:
1.
Revise his lovemaking style, by
updating his sexual repertoire and rituals.
2.
Continue to repeat the same
ineffective lovemaking style until all interest no longer exists.
3.
Abstain from sex altogether
replacing its gratification with other stimuli such as hobbies or travel or
work. (While superficially effective
this desperate strategy merely pretends to ignore the instinctive call of the
male libido).
Of course in the real world nothing
is ever so cut and dried as this... most men fluctuate liberally between
different variations of internal and external identified lovemaking styles even
altering their sexual ritual to shift from one to the other during a lovemaking
session. Typically but not always, a man will begin as the aggressor working to
subdue his sexual target... providing external pleasure to his partner in order
to arouse them. Where he goes once his target is successfully aroused is pretty
much governed by his lovemaking style.
If he is an internal gratifier he closely monitors the response of his
partner during this ritual before he gives up the reigns and begins to lay back
to be pleasured. If he is an external gratifier he will continue to take more
and more control over the lovemaking process allowing his subject to relax and
enjoy the show. But again this is not
any standard... the dynamics of lovemaking are a diverse as those who engage in
them. This is meant only as a structure from which to evaluate lovemaking
styles... Unfortunately even a poor
sexual style is nonetheless a viable lovemaking style. Although it is difficult for me to imagine
anyone being truly 100 percent celibate, including having no sexual fantasies
or desires, (the very idea brings forth pain), we must also consider this
option because the human mind is a powerful tool and it might of course
possible for a man to completely suppress any sensibility of sexuality if only
for a brief interval of time… When I was
in High School a priest, who was my religion professor, when asked if he had
experienced sexual desires replied, “Yes I am a man and I do have sexual
desires and urges just like every other human being but I don’t act on them the
same way that a lay person would.” I
respected this Friar who was also a role model for me because of his
honesty. He could have easily given in
to guilt and fear regarding the struggle with his human instincts denying the
presence of any sexual urges; but fully understanding himself as a man first
and a priest secondly he was able to rout out the characteristic guilt which
often drives an unnatural suppression of the male libido, a denial that can
easily manifest itself in cheating since one is already in denial… Breaking
ones vows can truly be an easy option that can be fully enjoyed with no fear of
ever being officially recognized as a problem once the problem has been
effectively suppressed. Thank goodness
that contemporary clinical thought recognizes the suppression of ordinary,
normal human instinct as a potential pathology unto itself. It is always best to confront our human
instincts head on. Denying normal human
tendencies and desires will not make them go away it merely constructs a
convenient, fragile and precarious overly between a man and his emotions. A priest may justify his abstinence from
sexual pursuits as a catalyst for focusing his energy on the nature of divinity
but he knows the urges common to all men are still his to grapple with. A man who suppresses his sexuality out of
fear rather than principled standards
and reason always runs the risk of succumbing to his passions when the element
of fear has been removed and he becomes free to explore them under the camouflage
of invisibility or anonymity with respect to those whom he fears will judge him,
hence the aberrant lifestyle known as living on the Down Low. But this
discussion is not about lifestyles it is about the nature of sexual pattern. Again I find that I have digressed as a sanguine
glass of Merlot evanesces to a mere drop at the bottom of my deep goblet…
We’ve discussed some fairly heavy
terminology at length so I think it is time to back up a bit to allow me to
define this nomenclature in greater detail.
Alas, that I finished the glossary before my glass of wine is testament
to my trust in the greater virtues of sobriety in the explication of such
weighty matters, but still I sip… And as I sip I wonder quietly to myself at
first, then louder so that if anyone were sitting beside me they would surely
hear, “Bartender, where has my cocktail gone?
I didn’t order wine, (but I drank it) Let’s have another cocktail on the
rocks!”
GLOSSARY:
1.
Lovemaking Style: A unique and individual expression and application of
sexual techniques including the sequence and intensity in which this offering
is presented while making love. Sexual style is a complex network of elements
which communicate to create a sexual experience that has texture, color, sound,
context, structure and dimension including a distinct set of rules and
boundaries that might limit the sexual journey to a definable outcome or that
may transform it to an open ended unpredictable experience.
2.
Sexual Arsenal: The complete nomenclature of sexual skills, techniques
and offerings provided by and unique to and individual whether they employ them
regularly or not. Examples of elements of a sexual arsenal include, tongue
kissing and fellatio.
3.
Sexual Ritual: A series of sexual offerings and their specific
techniques organized and executed within a lovemaking session. A sexual ritual is characterized by a linear
procession of offerings from a sexual arsenal of techniques for example;
flirting first then touching, kissing, etc., etc., etc. moving forward toward a
greater intensity of lovemaking techniques.
Sexual rituals answer the question: “What will I/you/we do to get
you/me/us off and in what order?”
4. Sexual Style Identifiers: The unique characteristics of a lovemaking style between
two or more persons who are engaged incidental, intermittent or regular sexual
encounters that make them unique from patterns and elements present in
lovemaking rituals with other persons. Sexual style identifiers are more
concerned with the creation of a mood or theme for lovemaking, they often
involve the exploration of a specific fantasy or fetish that could involve
risk, multiple partners, specific apparel or behavior, even danger for example;
they answer the question... “What really turns me on”?
5. Contextual Sex-Style-Identifiers:
The components of lovemaking that
answer where, when, how much, what and to what extent, they set the stage for
lovemaking and create the setting for the theme that drives it. An example of a contextual sex-style
identifier would be making love on the roof of a parking structure, in a
janitor’s closet or in the bedroom on the bed.
6. External-Gratifier: A person who is primarily focused on the sexual
satisfaction of his partner(s) above himself. This man derives sexual
gratification from the positive reaction of his partner(s). External gratifiers
have "Externally-Identified Lovemaking Styles" characterized by
"External-Identified Rituals".
7. Self-Gratifier/Internal-Gratifier: A person who is primarily focused on the sexual
satisfaction of himself above that of his partner(s). This man derives sexual
gratification from being unconditionally served and he feels that his partner(s)
will be sexually gratified as an external pleaser. Internal gratifiers have,
"Internally-Identified Lovemaking Styles" characterized by
"Internal-Identified Rituals".
8. External-Identified Lovemaking
Style: A personal style for lovemaking that
combines a repertoire of sexual elements, (sexual arsenal), to create a unique
sexual ritual focused primarily on the sexual gratification of a partner who is
being serviced and is not expected to reciprocate. The more submissive persona
is typically but not exclusively the one administering the sexual gratification
to the person who is the dormant recipient of pleasure from the
external-identified person.
9. Internal-Identified Lovemaking
Style: A personal style for lovemaking that
expects, entreats and evokes the application of a repertoire of sexual elements,
(sexual arsenal) from another person, (an external-identified person) for the
host, to create a unique sexual ritual focused primarily on the sexual
gratification of the host who is being serviced and is not expected to
reciprocate. The dominant persona is typically but not exclusively the one receiving
the sexual gratification from the one who is administering pleasure. The
recipient is typically more active in the command and orchestration of the
sexual ritual. Typically he is in charge and seeks to actively manipulate his
partner for his own sexual gratification.
10. External-Identified Rituals: Sexual rituals focused on pleasing the other partner typically
but not exclusively without regard for any type of reciprocation.
11. Internal-Identified Rituals: Sexual rituals focused on pleasing a dominant partner and
implemented by that dominant partner as a structure for sexual control
typically but not exclusively without any regard for reciprocation.
12. Sexual Gamer: Borrowed from the term “Gamer” a casino game specialist,
the term sexual gamer refers to a man who has a fetish for sexual games and tools,
implements, devices, etc., as part of his lovemaking arsenal and ritual.
I have compiled a short list of some
of the typical types of lovers some equally as humorous as those we have all
certainly encountered in our long list of sexual escapades… do I speak alone…
that is concerning the long list? Even
if it weren’t so long it seems as if I should have far more lovers than I may
actually have known especially since I am writing from the window of one who is
experientially knowledgeable about such things… Why the mere thought of
actually writing all those names, dates and details down onto one sheet of
paper, (or perhaps a few reams), makes me immediately think, “Bartender, another
double on the rocks and one for the gentleman in the trilby over there!”
1.
THE LOVER TYPES LIST: A COMPILATION OF INCIDENTAL
PERSONALITIES…
.jpg)
- THE
TEXTBOOK LOVER:
Who knew
there was a published textbook on lovemaking other than the Kama Sutra that was
actually written and edited by your partner?
Chances are there wasn’t but that has not dissuaded him from acting as
if every aspect of the lovemaking process has to be executed to the precise
specifications of his inner-book! The Textbook
Lover rarely changes his sexual rituals or adds to his sexual arsenal and he
may have either an internal or externally-identified lovemaking style. The sexual style identifiers and sexual
contextual style identifiers may be extremely interesting for this type which
may make up for the lack of diversity and creativity in the sexual arsenal and
rituals. The Textbook Lover requires his
partner(s) to kiss, touch, look, and make love in a very specific way that will
not change because it is, after all, the proper textbook way to do it! When making love to a Textbook Lover it is
important to help them understand the importance of upgrading the existing text
or purchasing new books from time to time.
- THE
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT LOVER:
There may
be no more controlling personality in the bedroom than the “Rules Of Engagement
Lover.” Short of being a military
commandant there is no parallel to the level of compliance required by any
other person with respect to their “sacred” rules of sexual engagement.”
- THE
DADDY’S BOY LOVER:
This lover
must have carefully watched or listened to his Daddy’s lovemaking techniques
and adopted them as his own for lack of any better mentorship. The good side is that if Daddy was good in
bed then so will this man, at least if he was able to successfully translate
what he remembers having experienced. The
other parallel is that if your man is a daddy’s boy and he interpreted his
father’s lovemaking style as internally or externally gratifying he will most
likely have imitated “Daddy’s” model.
All you have to do is inquire about how he remembers his parent’s sexual
style if and when it is appropriate of course and voila! Again, the Daddy’s Boy Lover may go either
way with respect to the type of sexual gratification style he prefers and this
does not mean that he will not sometimes deviate from the pattern on
occasion.
- THE
MOMMY’S BOY LOVER:
The Mommies
Boy Lover might be very sensitive to the needs of his partner if he learned his
sexual style from his mother and if his mother was a sensitive woman. Like The Daddy’s Boy Lover A Mommy’s Boy
Lover will tend to imitate the sexual style of his mother with respect to being
internally or externally gratified.
- THE
TIT FOR TAT LOVER:
What this
lover sees as the order of his sexual ritual is a follow-the-leader kind of
disbursement. He follows your lead but
almost never initiates or innovates beyond the set pattern of lovemaking historically
set between you and he or by the history of his partners if this is your first
sexual encounter. Invariably as soon as
he learns your arsenal he will mimic it to the letter. Most likely he does this out of a genuine
desire to balance the relationship.
Unfortunately the spontaneity and intuitiveness that we sometimes desire
in our sex will not be satisfied by a copy-cat lover whose sexual gratification
style is mimicked to suit what he thinks his partner desires rather than what
he knows they need and enjoy. The Tit
For Tat Lover is definitely has an externally gratified sexual style because
his objective is really to be pleased by satisfying his partner assuming that
they will take the lead in defining the sexual ritual of their lovemaking sessions. If you are in love with a Copy-Kat lover you
should know better than to hurt their sensitive manner but devise a way to talk
our your fantasies with them so that they know what you like and give them
feedback whenever you are especially pleased by any element of their sexual
repertoire so that they know that they can readily interchange it within their
lovemaking ritual.
- THE
READY BUT SWEATY LOVER:
Add a
humorous note to the ready but sweaty lover who, to his credit, probably has no
lack of creativity, skill or enthusiasm with respect to lovemaking but he will
invariably soak your bed sheets, pillows and any other area where the two of
you make love; so you should invest in sheets and towels… The saving grace for The “Ready But Sweaty
Lover” is that what he lacks in sweat gland control he more than rectifies in
his bedroom skills… This man truly works hard for his money… He is typically
not always an eternal gratifier who has at least two amazing techniques in his
sexual arsenal. You will have to prod
him to keep him from repeating his sexual ritual because he really gets into
his craft but you might find that he has other skills and is eager to learn and
practise and refine them and as long as there are plenty of towels, a couple of
fans and a thermostat to turn on the cold you should be able to lay back and
enjoy this wet and wonderful personality.
The Ready But Sweaty Lover is definitely a keeper in my book.
- THE
INQUISITIVE LOVER:
When a man
asks you, “Baby do you like that? Does that feel good to you? When he asks you
during and after sex over dinner, around friends and family, (within polite
limits of course), that means you have an inquisitive lover who wants feedback
from you in order to improve your sexual healthiness and landscape. The inquisitive Lover may be close kin to The
Olympic Lover in which case his inquisitiveness is merely driven by a desire to
glorify himself and his sexual prowess.
You will know which one he is more closely related to by his bedside
manner. If he is gentle and caring and
genuinely interested in your sexual enjoyment demonstrating more externally
identified lovemaking traits they you have an Inquisitive Lover who truly cares
about you, your sexual health and enjoyment.
THE NO FRILLS LOVER:
The No
Frills Lover, AKA The Hit It and Quit It Lover, the Fuck and Duck Lover known
by perhaps many other names besides is the least desirable personality for
anyone who is serious about the fine art of making love but for those looking
to quickly scratch an itch and are shopping with a short list of needs and
wants and an even shorter timeframe to get to wonderland this might be the best
thing since designer condoms in various sizes, colors and flavors. You don’t have to admit it here but chances
are you’ve encountered this genus of lover.
Because the focus it 100% on quick impersonal sex this lover may have an
internally or externally-identified lovemaking style, or both. But since time and opportunity windows are
small there is little time for anyone to devote time to figuring out
complicated courtship rules and special details. I will venture to say that The Hit It and
Quit It Lover probably has an internally-identified lovemaking style because
his objective is obtaining personal pleasure quickly so even if he is the one
servicing the other partner his focus may be mostly on his own gratification,
satisfying an urgent need rather than a focused attempt at satisfying the other
party.
- THE
HANDYMAN LOVER :
The
Handyman Lover always comes equipped with unique and interesting gadgets to
enhance the sexual experience and for this reason he is sometimes referred to
as The Tool Chest Lover, because he keeps a collection of erotic toys and
gadgets typically in a large bag or tool chest especially if he is often
required to be mobile with his services.
Whether this persona has an internally or externally-gratifies
lovemaking style depends largely on whether he intends to use the tools while
administering a particular phase of of
his sexual ritual pulling from his arsenal of sexual themes and skills or
whether he intends for them to be used on himself administered by his sex
partner. Regardless of whether he will
serve or be serviced The Tool Chest Lover is most certainly not one to bore…
You may be intimate with a Handyman and never know it because he is typically
reluctant to mention his predisposition for “Love Tools” until he is
comfortable that his partner shares the same attraction. Don’t be intimidated to ask if your man likes
sex toys it could add that extra dimension of, “je ne sais quoi” to your love
life.
- THE
LOUD LOVER:
Everyone
has a story about a neighbor who woke them up or disturbed them whilst engaging
in loud sex.
- THE
BORN FOR PORN LOVER:
Pornography
is an ancient and as such an essential element of human culture. When a man has a healthy use of pornography
to artificially arouse himself in-between real sex it is a wonderful and highly
useful thing. Some men even collect porn
as a hobby which is quite fascinating and vintage porn is fast becoming a
valuable collector’s venue. Pornography
can be used by mature adults to both create arousal and to explore new and
exciting sexual elements adding them to their sexual repertoire and
rituals. Some people are turned off by
pornography and this becomes a rift between them and their partner who may have
an appreciation of it and find it useful in their sexual expression. It is
advisable to always try to understand the degree to which any man is interested
in pornography including the various types and themes he finds appealing. It is a bad idea to adopt a crusade to
compete with porn. Try to understand a
man’s purpose for using pornography first and if you feel threatened by his
reliance upon it in comparison to your own self-perceived sexual charms then
you should walk away from having sex with him altogether. Never allow anything to intimidate you
sexually to the point that you lose your self-esteem! If you feel any many is happier with porn
than with having healthy sex with you then leave him to his porn and go find
someone who is more keyed in to you. But
don’t blame it on the porn… Put no blame upon the man for doing what he wants
to do and feels entitled to as a free man.
You are the one with the problem! Face it and walk away with your pride. It is unfortunate that Some Americans
consider pornography to be evil or bad because it can truly be viewed as an art
form just like any other form of human self-expression. When used responsibly by consenting adults
porn is really just another form of entertainment and in spite of the negative
connotation it has to many Americans billions of dollars are annually spent on
porn in the U.S. It is not my intention
to justify or support the pornography industry but to identify a type of man
who might utilize it for recreational purposes as is his right as a mature,
adult American citizen. Like any other
product, the industry that produces pornography cannot be held responsible for
those who abuse it. I will say that I do
not endorse any aberrant forms of pornography such as are sanctioned by the
laws of The United States. It is my
opinion that pornography is strictly for the entertainment of mature adults and
its content should include only mature and consenting adults. It is the nature of all forms of adult
entertainment that they can be utilized responsibly or abused. There are clear instances in which the
obsessive use of porn as a substitute for real, tactile human sex becomes
problematic. In circumstances such as
when men are incarcerated and cannot
have regular sex pornography can be a really effective way to assist them in
the satisfaction of their natural human instincts. Just like The Liquid Lover, I find that The
Born For Porn Lover can sometimes run the risk of standing on a precarious
cliffs-edge somewhere between an insatiable external addiction and a very
similar innate instinctual need to experience sexual relief. For The Born For Porn Lover when the
distinction between real and virtual sex has become dangerously blurred there
is a problem. For this reason having sex
with The Born For Porn Lover who has overcompensated porn for real sex can
often be quite antiseptic as they can become more keyed in to accessory
pornographic media to achieve orgasm than they are with the actual warm
blooded, breathing human being. With The
Born For Porn Lover, pornography at its most egregious becomes a surrogate sex
partner a sex toy or gadget similar to a chronic Tool Chest Lover in that they
rely heavily upon some external inanimate device in order to become sexually
aroused and the human element is seen merely as a vehicle or instrument employed
for the purpose of dispensing the inanimate device. When properly and responsibly used
pornography can be an immensely helpful and enjoyable technique for the
enhancement of sex and lovemaking but like anything else, when taken to an
extreme it can also become a very dysfunctional element in the human process of
sexual communication.
- THE
SALIVA CHOCOLATE LOVER:
Some of us
will agree that it would be far more sensuous and romantic to be covered with
Godiva chocolate than with saliva.
Before a man begins to inundate his sex partner with his own saliva he
should make sure that they are amenable to such an ablution. Being baptized by a man’s spit can often be
far from sexy to those who prefer a drier type of sex. But for every person who is appalled by the
prospect of having ear lobes, neck, nipples and every other square inch of
their body encompassed in someone’s saliva there is certainly another person
who finds the mere prospect undoubtedly arousing…
- THE
COMMUNITY CHEST LOVER:
If his
life were an open book it would tell you all of the friends and associates of
yours, many of whom you mutually share, whom this man has slept with at one
time or another. As such he is truly a
community asset, his sexual exploits part of the cache of the general populous,
you have encountered The Community Chest Lover.
Even though he has slept with virtually everyone, and let me add that
this is not meant to blemish his character in the least, it is what it is, you
may not know until much later in your relationship with him. But once you find
out and attempt to draw a clean line of distinction between past present and
future escapades you will suddenly become aware of all of the skeletons in the
closet of The Community Chest Lover. Do
not judge him unless you have asked him and he has misrepresented himself. If you never asked and suddenly find out you
could justifiably become angered that he did not have the maturity to disclose
what general knowledge to everyone else is.
Perhaps he assumed you knew… Not good enough… Unfortunately you have to
make a quick decision. Just like The
Add-On’s Lover, The Community Chest Lover has a penchant for a crowd when it
comes to sex. The only real distinction
between The Community Chest Lover and The Add-On’s Lover is that The Community
Chest Lover may prefer to take on sex partners one at a time rather than in
groups.
- THE
SCRIPTED LOVER:
Really? Is
he practicing these jaded lines on you or does he really think they are hot or
more important is he aware that they are not getting you aroused? It may be time for a new screenplay? I will
not devote too much attention to The Scripted Lover because it has all been
said before! Bartender where’s my cocktail!
- THE
LIQUID LOVER:
Ever
notice that this man is always drunk when he wants to make love? Chances are you have got yourself a bonifide
liquid lover on your hands, the problem is what’s in his hand… if it’s not his
piece it’s his drink but since there are two hands I’d bet one hand has got a
cocktail in it. The Liquid Lover is akin
to his close cousin who gets Liquid Muscles at bar or cocktail lounge
regardless of whether there is any physical muscle to back it up. The Liquid Lover becomes aroused when he is
drunk, if he needs a drink to become aroused every time you have sex then keep
a bottle of the good stuff handy but keep less and less of it around every time
so you can wean the man off the stuff.
He will be sure to notice but you might let him know that just as he can
effectively replace you with a bottle or a cocktail as his primary stimulant so
can you replace him with a more sober sex partner who is up and running without
a hefty dose of grain alcohol before sex.
It is my opinion that due to his dependence upon alcohol for arousal The
Liquid Lover has an internally identified lovemaking style focuses on his
selfish need to be intoxicated. The
question both of you should be asking yourselves is why? It is normal and typical for some people to
become aroused under the influence of alcohol because it relaxes the body and
its inhibitions triggered by the superego.
Who wants to think that the only reason they were able to have sex with
their man regardless of whether it is good or bad is because he had to have a
drink first… That is not flattering at all!
The use or abuse of alcohol may be a sexual element critical to the
Liquid Lovers arsenal acting like a sex toy or artificial stimulant and it is
definitely part of his sexual ritual.
- THE
LAZY LOVER:
The Lazy
Lover gets no play here! You know who he
is but as scary as this may seem often The Lazy Lover does not think he is lazy
at all. The lazy lover is definitely of
the persuasion of an internally identified sexual stylist. The Lazy Lover is the brother of The Stingy
Lover and he really is so unremarkable that I daren’t even mention him except
as a warning to those who might otherwise find him attractive. If you marry this man count on having a
surrogate sex partner, (a very classy way of saying that you will be having an
affair with another man), and chances are he will never even notice because he
is too lazy to even want to have sex.
Now some men’s libido is lower than others and there are hormone
injections of testosterone that can successfully treat this disorder.
- THE
DANGER ISLAND LOVER:
The minute
you run out of dangerous or risky places to have sex chances are you will not
get a rise out of this man; His middle name is “Danger!” Sex on the train tracks, (with a train
approaching), Sex in the bathroom of the police department, (with a policeman),
Sex in the dining room, (when the dinner guests are about to be seated for
dinner), Sex on the freeway, (a car could pass at any time at 4:00 A.M.
bouncing you both from your center-lane ménage.
The possibilities are as endless as your desire to fetch your fantasies
but where do you fall in the whole scheme of this dangerous game of lust? Are you the aggressor or is he the one who
lures you to precipitous sex and when you get there does his sexual style
demonstrate that he is externally or internally identified? If you are reading this entry and realize
that you are reading about yourself raise your hand now! Congratulations! You have just self-actualized yourself as a
Danger Island Lover, or you have pegged your lover spot on.
- THE
ADD-ON’S LOVER:
If you
ever came to a man’s house for romantic sex and realized that you were not the
only one there ready for sex or others were inadvertently invited or arrived or
contacted via phone or webcam then you may be dealing with the genus, The
Add-On’s Lover. The Add-On’s Lover is
never satisfied with one partner, he wants to get busy with three or more even
a large group of partners. No matter who
he is with he will eventually attempt to add on additional sex partners to
satisfy his libido and fantasies. Whether
The Add-On’s Lover’s sexual style is internally or externally gratified is a
matter of close examination because his inability to focus on any one person at
a time tends to point toward an internal style of lovemaking focused more on
the realization of his own sexual fantasies rather than any one persons. However, once he is immersed in his fantasy
sexual ménage of multiple partners he may exhibit externally gratifying
tendencies that allow him to pleasure his partners over himself in a
multiplicity of ways… The landscape with this as well as every other scenario
is always in the grey range because people are ultimately seldom that
predictable. Sexual tastes change over
time, they almost never remain the same.
- THE
TEKKIE LOVER:
The Tekkie
Lover is a slave to technology and he even extends his obsession into the
bedroom with webcams, video recorders, wide screen projectors, etc., etc.,
etc., anything to memorialize and express sex in a way that employs technology
is this man’s fantasy. Like The Handyman
Lover, The Tekkie Lover may also employ high tech sex toys and gadgets even
medical devices that monitor body conditions.
There is no particular sexual pattern that typifies this genus he may be
internally or externally gratified. Like
the Gadget-man or Tool Chest Lover he typically has a very robust imagination
and is likely one who inspires creative and engaging sex. One of the characteristics of The Tekkie
Lover is his playback tendency. Whether
due to a desire to perfect his craft or to visually re-live the experience a
Tekkie Lover wants to preserve his sexual activity in a permanent video or
pictorial even sound recorded form for some future retrieval. This may be the same man who is an avid
sports enthusiast, taking the same pains with sex as he does with football or
basketball to analyze the blow by blow footage of his favorite sport.
- THE
OLYMPIC LOVER:
Everything
is a contest with this man and sex is at the top of the list. If there were a gold medal for sex he would
have several of them framed and hanging from his rear view mirror, over his bed
or his makeout couch. Although one wants
to define The Olympic Lover as having an internally identified lovemaking style
focused on personal achievement of selfish sexual goals it is also quite
plausible that he can be externally gratified finding utmost pleasure in
pleasing his partner but basking in gratitude and empirical manifestations of
sexual appeasement and satisfaction from his partners.
- THE
ROUGHHOUSE LOVER:
The name
speaks for itself but not unlike The Loud Lover, The Roughhouse Lover finds
sexual gratification in using overt forcefulness in a very loud and obvious way
in order to personify his sexual bravado.
This is not a bad characteristic at all especially for those who either
like to be roughed up within the context of sex. The problem with the roughhouse lover is that
he has no comprehension of or respect for subtlety. If you are a person who prefers gentle sex
and a softer version of romanticism then this is clearly not the man for
you. Be certain that The Roughhouse
lover is not overcompensating in his manner for an inadequacy in his
self-consciousness of manhood in general.
Some men feel that they must be aggressive and forceful and rough in sex
because they are men. Such men have
clearly misunderstood the very meaning of manhood and substituted grossly
exaggerated facsimiles of vignettes they have come to interpret as manly. Because it is difficult to undo years of conditioning,
teaching a man who feels he has to be rough in sex for no other reason than he
heard it growing up and was taught that a man had to be rough in sex you may
have to move on if you require a gentler hand.
The Roughhouse Lover is not always but can often be akin to The Liquid
Lover in many profoundly dysfunctional ways.
However, some men do truly enjoy rougher sex and their sexual organ may
require a more aggressive encounter in order to become aroused and achieve
orgasm. Similarly they may have a
penchant for S & M in which case the roughness is merely an expression of
their dominance. Similarly, a man may
have a taste for rough sex as the object rather than the stimuli. Many men like to be pushed and slapped and
treated with the semblance of abuse as a sexual stimulant.
- THE
“I DIDN’T SEE THE NEIGHBORS” LOVER:
Did he
really come to the door butt naked or with his Johnson hanging out? You weren’t
home but your neighbors were. Did he
seduce you in the backyard, in front of the living room window, never
mentioning that your neighbors just happened to be standing in sight just a few
feet away? After the initial
embarrassment he will probably respond, “Well, I didn’t see the neighbors!” That’s when you know you are dealing with an,
I Didn’t See The Neighbors Lover… The I Didn’t See The Neighbors Lover is a
close cousin to The Peek-A-Boo Lover and a distant cousin to The Danger Island
Lover. He is not necessarily turned on
by the danger of being caught or by being watched by a third party, he just
doesn’t give a darn when or where he has sex, he wants it when and where he
wants it and he probably doesn’t wait to ask, he just goes for it! If you’re smiling now you either are this
person, are dating him or in a relationship with him or have been with him on
some occasion in your sexual history.
- THE
STINGY LOVER:
It goes
without saying that The Stingy Lover has an internally-identified sexual
style. No matter whom he is with its all
about his own sexual gratification. He
may actually begin his sexual ritual by pretending to be externally gratifying
but after conveying a few short samples of his limited repertoire, hooking
getting his partner aroused, turning the hook into them and yanking them into
the depths of passion he quickly retreats from his former persona becoming
either The Lazy Lover or the fully actualized Stingy Lover or a combination of
them both. The Stingy Lover only wants
to do what he wants to do and he, like The Rules Of Engagement Lover and The
Textbook Lover interposes a completely new dynamic into the lovemaking
scenario, one in which he is the sole recipient of pleasure and the
administrator of the sexual arsenal and ritual.
The Stingy Lover is not concerned if his partner ever archives orgasm or
pleasure during sex he may actually feel as if they are lucky to be privileged
enough to please him in a manner to which he has become accustomed… You will
know immediately when you have had any romantic or sexual encounter with The
Stingy Lover because you will walk away from the encounter empty. As soon as you discover you are dealing with
this genus, that is exactly what you should do, walk away! If you are bound to The Stingy Lover via vows
of some kind then you definitely have your work cut out for you.
- THE
PEEK-A-BOO LOVER:
How many
times have you told the Peek-A-Boo Lover not to try to have sex on the balcony,
the front lawn or in the car in front of the neighbors? He may have taken care of some unresolved
stress in the elevator or on your desk at work!
Risky contextual sex can be fun but you do need to manage it especially
if Peek-A-Boo is not for you.
- THE
AUTO-EROTIC LOVER:
Men who
entertain sex partners only to jack off by themselves in the end are a true
mystery to me. Why in the dickens would
a man waste a perfectly good and willing sex partner? For best results when dealing with The
Auto-Erotic Lover take time to check and see if he is either a Born For Porn or
Liquid Lover type. If he passes these tests then perhaps he really loves you
but simply does not find you sexually arousing.
Tough revelation, right? Oh well,
we have all developed tough skins to guard against such truths. There is nothing wrong with a man who prefers
to jack off or perform any other act of auto-eroticism but when a mature man
knows he is in a mature relationship that has a sexual dimension to it which
must be mutually satisfactoryy he must make adjustments or clarify his nature
for the other party to accept or move on.
Enough said about this genus.
“Bartender, my cocktail is half-full!”
1.
THE IMPOSTOR:
Of all the
persona’s The Impostor is the only truly malicactious and the most virulent
character, if you should be so unlucky as to meet The Imposter just walk
away! The Impostor is characterized by a
total disregard for his partner in every way.
One wonders why he has even gone through the trouble of having one. Perhaps some deeply rooted desire to be
stealthy or just to be plain old mean.
He will enter into many different sexual relationships with other people
even groups and although he is typically not good at keeping his escapades
undetectable he will always lie when confronted! If you really do your homework you will most
likely discover you are not the first victim of The Impostor. The Impostor usually goes for the full
marriage and commitment package, usually but typically you are aware of an ex
or two and if so take time to interview them carefully. His game card is typically his sense of
family but you will find a long line of deceit and hurt if you ever discover
that you are a new link in the chain of deceit and ungentlemanly deeds
perpetrated by The Impostor. Virtually everything
you have come to know about The Impostor will be exposed as a lie. The Impostor is patently internally
gratified, he only thinks of himself.
Unlike The Add-On’s Lover he will not offer you the choice of co-signing
or joining in on his extracurricular escapades because he is profoundly consumed
by disregard and denial. The Impostor is
similar to The Community Chest Lover except for this unforgivable trait of not
being able to be open about his sexual partners when confronted. The Impostor appears to be invested in
hurting his partner by allowing them to discover his infidelity then going
blank on the entire event as if nothing ever happened, never admitting it or
allowing their partner to discuss it with them in a mature forum. The Impostor is a dark and troubled man who
exhibits almost sociopathic disregard for human suffering and emotion while
assuming the role of a clueless, virtuous and considerate lover. I saved the impostor for last because he is
truly the last man you should ever consider dating and if you discover his
fingerprint after you have married or committed just remember he is the very
source of the warning, “BUYERS BEWARE!”
2.
THE ATTENTIVE LOVER:
The
Attentive Lover is has a caring and catering personality, he is genuinely concerned
that his lover have a comfortable and pleasurable experience and organizes his
lovemaking style around sexual elements, techniques and rituals that allow him
to closely monitor his partners level of enjoyment and comfort during the
lovemaking process. The Attentive Lover
is sometimes the balancing feature for The Lazy Lover or the Laisez Faire Lover
and he is most definitely externally gratified.
3.
THE LAISEZ FAIRE LOVER:
Versatility
is the hallmark of this man, he is happy when he assumes an internally or
externally gratifying sexual style, usually he just goes with the flow. Unlike The Master Of Ceremonies Lover, he
really doesn’t care which role he assumes during the lovemaking process often
changing his lovemaking style throughout.
4.
THE MAGICAL LOVER:
He
is a master of the element of surprise and similar to The Man Of Dreams Lover
he interjects continual diversity, expansion and excitement into his sexual
style. The Magical Lover will plan an
elaborate ritual with which to seduce his partner consisting of many unexpected
and often extravagant turns and twists to surprise his lover in his romantic
game of erotic suspense.
5.
THE MAN OF DREAMS:
The
Man Of Dreams wishes to explore every fantasy he has ever had and he is eager
to learn yours as well. Like the Magical
Lover he may trick you into sharing your fantasy at one time and then surprise
you by meticulously planning and playing it out at an unexpected time in the
future. Since there can never be an end
to a man’s sexual fantasies this man is a keeper if you are the kind of person
who likes a spicy twist in the bedroom or wherever you happen to be making
love.
6.
THE STAGING LOVER:
The
landscape, or should I say Lovescape, will always be amazing with this man at
the drawing board! He is also the
consummate playboy with everything planned, music, wine or cocktails, hors d’
oeuvres, lighting, olfaction, just the perfect sexy ensemble… It’s just like
moving along a stage set for romance.
This Lover genus can go either way with respect to his lovemaking style
so stay alert, you’ll not want to miss any portion of this performance. Closely related to The Magical Lover and The
Attentive Lover this man is really just too wonderful to let go, so go along
with him and enjoy the ride.
Yes even though we hesitate to call
it "Style", even the very worst of lovers have some distinct, if not
predictable, style to their lovemaking. For
the most part I believe that most men truly try their best to be as proficient
as they can be when it comes to making love and having sexual encounters they
feel they will be held accountable for.
As I have noticed my cocktail nearing its end, sucking the last essences
of liquor from the ice cubes, the rim of my glass, I find I have also reached
an appropriate closing point for this article.
Therefore, gentlemen, I thank you for taking time to digress with me
from your daily cares and responsibilities and I do entreat you to take further
action to apply some of what I have discussed and explicated while yourselves
navigating through the deep waters of human sexuality. Remember that above all, sex and lovemaking
should be treated as a romantic art form and it should be fun and entertaining
never oppressive or dull, mean spirited or selfish. If you find that you are not able to meet the
very high standards that truly refined gentlemen set for themselves when it
comes to sexual the expression of lovemaking and romance then stay the lance
man! Regroup! Gather yourself and regenerate your stamina so you can come back
to the joust with a full spirit lusty and fine…
.jpg)
FIN
Written by David Vollin on 8-3-12
For: FOR THE BROTHAS: A VIRTUAL, INTELLECTUAL,
CULTURAL SALON
