HOW IMPORTANT IS FIDELITY IN A RELATIONSHIP?

There is a wealth of literature
concerned with the management
of assets within a relationship
as well as the mangagement of
the terms and conditions of
the relationship itself.

As I grow older and considerably wiser, having the distinct luxury of being able to look back objectively on the many interpersonal experiences in my life I am more and more convinced that sexual fidelity is less of a requirement than is genuine good old fashioned companionship.  Companionship, true companionship is a wonderful and fulfilling quality that is often the end result of many years of constructive friendship.  It exists only because two people have truly committed to understand one another adjusting their own selfish needs in order to achieve the larger goal that is a harmonious coexistence with another person.  But the truly defining characteristic about companionship and the one factor that makes it desirable above all other things is that both companions actually enjoy spending quality time together... they enjoy sharing their life with one another and actually look forward to experiencing life as a holistic unit with their partner; that is the beauty and attraction of true companionship. 

Babylonian Marriage Contract dating from 1820 B.C.

Sexual fidelity, especially in these times when sexually transmitted disease can completely alter a person’s life, must be managed with great care.  In the past sexual fidelity has been a social paradigm largely because the legal and financial structure of western capitalism has been organized around monogamy as a primary means of regulating the ownership of real property through inheritance.  The sexual revolution has successfully challenged both concepts; monogamy and marriage, in ways that mark a perpetual departure from observance of these institutions as universal standards for human lifestyles.   This does not, of course mean that they are outmoded or even absurd as attainable qualities of human socialization but it does mean that man nontraditional options heretofore unsupported by our social and legal culture are now fully viable alternatives.   Sexual fidelity, when it is a natural occurrence within a human relationship is obviously a highly viable and desirable condition if not only for the mere reason that is works.  This leads to the clear and free revelation that virtually any arrangement that is functional, meaning that it works to satisfy and nurture the sexual requirements of an intimate interpersonal relationship, whether it is bisexuality or an open relationship is credible.  So let’s not be so hasty to downgrade monogamy as a selfish condition as has often been done by proponents of alternative sexual lifestyles.  If monogamy works for two people it works, enough said!  It is when monogamy or bisexuality or open sex relationships do not work that one has to apply a more critical and objective analysis to them.   First of all sexual fidelity is a virtue that is virtually impossible to verify. 

Marriages and Civil Unions are now available as online
services by many progressive jurisdictions.

Couples who find themselves entrenched in a futile struggle to monitor each other’s extracurricular sexual activity often exhaust themselves and their relationship in the process.   The instinct for sexual exclusivity as a matter of control is so great in humans even among those who claim to be truly swingers that at some point the sexual bond created between two people when they first have sex, often intensified each time they engage in the intimacies of sex often but not always transmogrifies into an emotionally possessive quality which truly contradicts the apparently inherent characteristic of humans to seek out or to be attracted potentially to multiple sexual partners.  The sexual revolution has largely been about the resolution of this primordial characteristic instinct of humanity by allowing the freedom to experiment with alternative genres of sexuality or more specifically of sexual expression.  The irony of this great experiment is that in the grand scheme of things two partners spend comparatively less time of their mature lives having sex than doing the many other vital things that couples do; such as shopping, dining, vacationing, working out household bills and issues, running errands and just kicking back and enjoying one another’s company.  In my opinion, hierarchically, sexual fidelity should be given far less stature than the larger, more holistic quality we understand to be companionship.  But the overriding instinct of human beings to want to completely control and possess those things which bring them the most desire to make them exclusively available for their use and enjoyment above others has much complicated the world of relationships and companionships to the extent of an almost 50% or greater failure of marriages and of the billions of unofficially sanctioned relationships between lovers across the globe. 

Ultimately it falls upon the partners of a relationship
 to define the laws and guidelines of fidelity
that best suits their needs.

The great experiment of the sexual revolution seems to have created more confusion than clarification but it is still at its infant stages of evolution and has many many years to look forward to a diligent refinement process in which most if not all of the messy kinks can be hammered out.  But where does that leave the modern man who is looking for direction in his life with respect to the successful cultivation of a relationship?  Why is sex so great a factor in many human relationships even above friendship and companionship? Can a couple truly be happy living together as unified companions in all respects save sexuality? Does sexuality bring more complication to a relationship than solution and should wise partners maintain living companions but explore sexual gratification elsewhere?  Why it is that many couples can find a partner with which they are naturally monogamous and companions and others cannot?  How is it that many partners can freely live happy functional lives as companions without any restrictions on the number or frequency of outside sexual partners they can have?   The answers to these questions are highly personal unfortunately and what applies to one person or one couple is totally irrelevant to another.  For this reason alone it is important to explore the possibilities that are now available to you as free human beings, choices that not so long ago were perpetually forbidden and heavily sanctioned by society.  Every one of us has witnessed, perhaps within one of our own relationships, when a couple gets along beautifully, they are the perfect social companions but are not matched the same way sexually.  Such couples often tragically decide to break up over the issue of sexual infidelity throwing away years of a companionship that will be so very hard to cultivate again with another person.  This is why divorce is so lamentable especially if it is due to infidelity when the relationship was healthy in every other aspect… a companionship of highest quality and compassion.  Why are humans willing to throw a complex and time tested companionship with another caring human being away merely because of sexual infidelity?  Is it because of vanity?  Are we so deeply distraught because the person we have come to love and with whom we have developed a beautiful companionship has found a degree of happiness, sexual fulfillment outside of our relationship?  It could be argued that as humans we cannot be everything to our life partner and it is a dynamic of true compatibility and companionship that we afford our partner some degree of freedom and individual expression including the ability to pursue friendships and relationships outside of our own simply because they represent a  well-roundedness and holistically sound diversity which actually feeds the collective goal of the companionship to be a primary driving force that is not burdened with the sole responsibility for fueling the entire operation.  Is there truly holistic balance when one partner must seek outside sexual partners in order to come back to the relationship, the companionship whole and refreshed?  Well if it serves the larger goal of allowing both partners to enjoy a truly fine companionship in the treasured hours they have together, quality time… then I am inclined to believe that it is holistically a good and positive thing so long as all parties are fully apprised of and on board with the sexual dynamics.  Ultimately each couple and each individual within a relationship must honestly ask themselves how important sexual fidelity is to them and they must often revisit this question as the relationship evolves because people change and vows of fidelity do not.  But when you find that one person who makes it possible for you to face the many trials of every day because you know they will be waiting for you at its end think twice before you sever them from your life, especially if they feel the same way.  Ask yourself what about this person you value most, the time that you share having sex or the time that you share sharing life…

This headsone is reputed to be the marker for Hester Prynne, the legendary
Adultress in Nathaniel Hawthorne's novel, "The Scarlet Letter"

FIN

Publication of Nathaniel Hawthornes Novel examining the
extreme social climate and repurcussions for persons charged with adultery
in the early days of the American Colonies.

Written by D. Vollin on 5-31-12