After you have been seeing or dating two or more persons and see that the attraction and/or interdependency level is intensifying you will need to make a disclosure to each person regarding the status of your relationship as a good faith gesture. The value of this action is twofold:
1. It absolves you of any guilt should you be accused of leading anyone on. You did the gentlemanly thing by fully apprising your prospective dates of the existence of each other.
2. It forces you to make a critical assessment of your relationships so that you can decide whether to pursue them or not.
3. A gentleman will never disclose the names of his dates, this must remain confidential.
Gentlemen, I cannot stress enough how important it is to handle this disclosure with the utmost of care and class.
· Never be arrogant about the fact that you are seeing other people lest you imply that this makes you somehow more desirable or use it to force an ultimatum.
· If you see that this disclosure, in spite of your intent to be kind and rational, has upset your date politely apologize and discontinue the discussion. At this time you will need to assess how serious your date has grown in your relationship; if they are much farther along emotionally than you feel you will ever be, now is the time to manage this disparity in order to preserve a friendship and avoid hurting their feelings.
· I do not have to tell you that people are not machines or computers, they have real feelings and you must be sensitive to the way that you share data with other human beings.
· Ideally, a true gentleman has already covered this subject generally so that it will merely be a revisitation of an earlier topic, dropping a bomb like this on someone you have been seeing for a protracted period of time is ungentlemanly. If you have waited overlong to make this disclosure, knowing that it must be done, flowers, dinner at an upscale restaurant and even an amazing gift are definitely a must in order to minimize your new role as a “Scoundrel”!
A Gentleman never just discontinues communications with a date with whom he has established a friendly rapport when he opts to discontinue the relationship in favor of another beau. Never burn your bridges gentlemen! Even a rejected date will remain a future friend and ally when proper closure has been made. This means that you must take time out of your busy schedule to bring proper closure or status update face to face, not via email, text, cellular or letter unless you are physically located in a different geographical area and cannot practically make a personal call.
1. A gentleman concludes a brief relationship with a polite card and flowers and perhaps a small gift or keepsake.
2. A gentleman is sure to return any personal property at the conclusion of a relationship.
3. A gentleman who has done due diligence and advised his dates of the existence of one another, (without disclosing names of course), will also provide a small gift, card, flowers, etc., when making a general status update to each of his dates.
Always be up-front about the status of your dates. Never lead them on to believe that they are the only ones if they are not. Even if they are, if you plan to keep your options open you should, as a gentleman, fully apprise them of this eventuality. If you stay up-front you will see that it is much easier to manage dating and you will also avoid the one thing a true gentleman wears as his hallmark… A reputation as a true lover. FIN
Written by David Vollin on 3-19-12
Good theory Dave but I'm not sure I totally agree. Firstly let's define "date or dating" are we talking about more than sex. That is, are we speaking about having shared interests and participating more fully in the life of another where by we invest time, attention, emotion and maybe even finances with them. If the former is true, that our date or dating is limited to sex then disclosing that I'm with another or others is no concern of theirs or should not be as long as we are dating safely. Furthermore, it should be safely assumed (right or wrong) that I am dating others. Now if the latter is true and I am feeling I have a future with this person and I'm giving them a reason to feel special then ok, maybe sharing that I'm now ready to make them exclusive should be done in a more formal way. However, as appreciative as it would be for them to have the information expressly from me, here too it should be assumed that there were others. I also disagree that there needs to be the giving of a parting gift as if that person was on a game show and goes away with a lovely consolation prize. I'm not obligated to make you feel good when it is over. I'm only obligated to not make you feel any worse. I think the "rules" should be explained / expressed at the begining. If feelings change by either of us as we continue dating that too needs to be addressed mutually. I like probably many here have dated more than one at a time. I obviously have no issue with that either way. Dating by design is to seek out, explore and to fills many different needs and different persons I feel assist you in deciding what is more important or necessary for your fulfillment. I think if we consider how we would want to be treated,then we will have no problem in behaving in the correct manner towards another. I would not tolerate or engage in misleading, a play on emotions or usury. That for me is not being a gentleman.
ReplyDeleteChef Jeff, you raised a very important distinction which I will now elucidate for you. A date is a casual relationship; it can represent a fist-time meeting or it can be one of a series of social encounters following a first meeting. A date is always a physical event, not a cyber-encounter of any kind. When two people say that they are dating they mean that they have had at least one face to face encounter. A date typically implies that there is no sex. Whenever I refer to the concept of dating I am generally referring to that period of socialization between two people when there has been no sex, or at the least that portion of their interaction that does not involve sex. The traditional date involves some kind of social component such as conversation over coffee, lunch or dinner; it may even include taking in a movie or concert, meeting at a museum or other venue but the distinguishing dimension of a true date is that after both parties meet they go to their respective homes. Sex is not a component of a traditional date although some sort of sexual attraction is typically the catalyst for two people deciding to go on a date. Popular culture has greatly skewed the traditional meaning of a date. It is typical for Escorts to refer to their customers as “Dates” and as such the inclusion of some immanent sexual encounter is implicit. The sexual revolution with the assistance of the media and the internet has opened up the lingo of nearly every social group however esoteric, to everyone so these definitions begin to bleed into each other making a clear distinction fairly difficult. Let me clarify this for you. The social component of two people who do not know each other intimately is called a “Date” but as soon as the date morphs to a physical, sexual encounter it is no longer a date, it is a “Mate”. I often scold my friends asking them if they understand the difference between a “Date” and a “Mate”. Dating is the quintessential body of the, “Getting To Know You” phase of any human encounter. Whether you rush into sex or not, if you lack the breadth of mutual understanding that only time can afford you are still technically dating.
ReplyDeleteThis article was intended to be used as a guideline for two people who are still in the early stages of a relationship and have not established any serious financial or emotional ties. Ironically, it is during this period when honesty is most important so that, needs, a smooth and drama-free separation can be executed. In response to your concern about how to handle an affair or its potential within the context of an established relationship that has evolved beyond dating, that is the topic of another discussion.
The reality of the matter is that in these days and times most people move preciously too fast in relationships, taking on responsibilities and obligations that have not justified themselves in the arena of a time-tested relationship. We have both known friends to practically move in with a first time date on the second date… crossing the line, but still technically dating.
If you have not already done so I do suggest that you read my article entitled, “Relationships 101” also posted on this blog at an earlier time. This article deals most specifically with the transitional period from dating to a full-blown and committed relationship but remember the lines are always very grey and vary hugely between different people, so just to be realistic, there is no “Industry Standard” for this stuff… as you know it just is…
Secondly, as a gentleman I must uphold the traditions of human courtesy, which do not answer to any baser sensibilities such anger and frustrations elicited by the misfortunes of a failed relationship of some kind. A gentleman is held to a higher standard of social protocol. The purpose of a parting gift either of some relevant keepsake, flowers or even a card is to advertise the gentleman’s sincere concern for someone with which he has enjoyed some measure of mutual intimacy. Likewise, we need not be compelled to place flowers upon graves of the dead, or send them to cheer up those who have been infirmed nor to thank those who have extended some extraordinary measure of kindness or charity. This dynamic is what ritually and conceptually separates a man from a gentleman. Sending a parting note of friendship and blessing can be as inexpensive and simple as a $1.25 greeting card… as with anything else in life it is primarily the thought that counts. Surely you will not be judged poorly if you do not elect to send a parting memento to someone with whom you have curtailed a dating adventure. A true gentleman would not hold this against you nor, in fact, ever mention it to you trusting to the integrity of your intentions. But as most things go, it is a highly personal thing that would only be privy to you and your ex and how lovely a gesture to suggest on your part that in spite of the fact that you are parting, you nevertheless respected whatever small manner of commitment, time and emotion you both devoted to each other during the brevity of your affair…
ReplyDelete