RELATIONSHIPS 101: Some Ground-Rules for Twenty-First Century Romance...

Maintaining a successful relationship in the twenty-first century is not a difficult task at all once you get started. As a man who has not been "hitched" for over 10 years now I should hardly be the expert... right? Well, that generally depends on what you call a relationship. I humor myself thinking that for the past decade I have actually been in a relationship with the idea of being in a relationship, if that makes any sense... Lots of people are in love with the idea of being in love, indeed the divorce




statistics and the ex-statistics for non-contractual lovers convey a sullen testament to the credibility of their ideas. The distinction between them and me is that they married the object and I played it safe by marrying only the idea! Even those who have never weathered the tumults of a separation will agree that a conceptual breakup, (in or out of the laboratory), would be considerably less draining than the real thing. A cynic would say I let caution keep me from ever giving love a chance. A playboy would comment that I kept my options open. But I maintain that the basic ingredients necessary to even entertain the possibility of a mature and functional relationship must be demonstrated prior to taking action.  

It's difficult for me not to come across as the east coast liberal that I am... so I have grown fond of being the city boy who loves and has seen virtually everything... and I wear it like a finely woven hat... so I have included all of the types of relationships that are known to me... straight, gay, bisexual... (if I missed one let me know) and I am fortunate to live in a place where race and ethnicity place no restraint on who people chose a mate.  I feel most comfortable amidst the greatest diversity... And I naturally gravitate to the city...  so I also appreciate a very healthy dose of decadence... I figure it's generally expected of urbanites to live a bit more excessively... be a bit more over the top... so who am I to ruin all that wonderful expectation?  The reality is that we city dwellers are not that much different from our suburban and rural cousins... except that we see diversity on such a magnanimously greater scale it simply becomes our every-day world. 

There should be certain 'Ground-Rules" that govern how human interactions should be processed, a policy if you will... or a set of policies to super-ego the human libido into compliance with what some folks call simple horse sense! How horse-sense if going to help humans find the perfect mate is far beyond my comprehension... but you gotta start somewhere!

 

So there you have it folks, a self-proclaimed bachelor, with many past relationships under his belt, professes to give advice on, of all things, how to maintain a healthy relationship. The closest parallel I can imagine would be to interview a war hardened general about war. This discussion would be of no interest to those living in domestic bliss unless you have an uncanny curiosity about how the other half lives! For the other half wondering why you are the other half, unable to get to the other side, or unsure of what side of the divide your feet are most firmly planted this discussion could very well change your life by changing the life of your romance or romances whichever is most applicable. For those who could care less... you fall into the rare and coveted category shared by those living in domestic bliss... hope you will be entertained. For those currently in the throes of a tumultuous romance... it may be a helpful aid to make a fresh pitcher of martinis to accompany this reading. To all my curious and indifferent readers... please do enjoy and of course... Cheers!

Lets start with the definition of "Relationship." This is a critical point of discussion because love and the dynamics of human interaction are subjective, unique to each of the individuals within it. Each person has their own "qualifiers" for a relationship so while one person imagines himself to be forming the foundations of a firm and exclusive partnership another may regard it merely as a fling. Long I pondered the popular nomenclature associated with what we Americans call, "A Relationship" and finally isolated it's many variations into a small list. As is the case with many American terms the type of relationship may be quantified by the name one applies to the other party/parties within it. Ladies and Gentlemen, we have all read Kinsey or a by-product of the ground breaking Kinsey Report in the past so please do not be offended by my candid language, it is intended to elicit intellectual objectivity and as such I did not censor any terms but spelled them out honestly as follows:

• A Date
• A Boyfriend or Girlfriend
• A Beau
• A Hook-up
• A Lover
• A Marriage
• A Fling
• An Affair
• A Menage-Trois
• A Swinger
• A Friend
• A Gigolo
• A Call Girl/Boy
• A Hooker
• A Phone-Bone
• A Partner
• A Significant Other
• A Main Squeeze
• A Boo
• A Piece
• A Trick
• A Ho
• A Fuck-Buddy

The list goes on and on and is open to addition, please feel free to provide your own in lieu of this short list.

The first "Ground Rule" of twentieth-century romance is a very simple but difficult one because it goes against our human instinct to quantify, identify and package unknown phenomenon within our general experience, simply put:

Rule #1. "NEVER PRECONCEIVE A RELATIONSHIP"

My advice for those who are most vulnerable to cupidity is to invest in extra padding for that fainting couch so you can get the most out of the head rush... but extreme caution is advised to those who see love in the face of a stranger because love is informed by knowledge. That is not to say that love will not be forthcoming... but give it time, plant it's seeds in fresh soil, space them generously, do not drown them, stand back and let nature do it's work. Now all relationships require nurturing... but just because you feed it chocolate does not mean it will develop into a "Hershey's Kiss." Love, and the relationships in which it reveals itself cannot be managed in such a way...

Rule #2. "NEVER USE A RELATIONSHIP TO CHANGE A PERSON"

Since personality is the one unique trait humans have learn to respect them. People are not design challenges on reality TV or science fair projects and they certainly are not pets. The process of getting to know another person requires understanding and accepting their many idiosyncrasies, a process which takes considerable time. The window to decide if you can live with your partners habits and personality is in the early stages of association. Although foreign and annoying to you, these personality characteristics truly represent the intrinsic signature of another person. Simply put, you must either love them as they are unconditionally or move on in the hope that the next subject will present fewer challenges. Fall in love with the whole person, not just those parts of them you love to love. Be honest with yourself because this takes higher a higher order of maturity that you either do or do not possess. Never subject anyone to a whirl-wind of drama in which they struggle to conform to your sense of normalcy because this path is seldom successful nor should it be for obvious reasons. If you are one of those misdirected idealists who are attracted to relationships as if they were a house renovation project then tighten your tool belt! Pruning another person’s personality is much like pruning a bush, it will retain it's desired shape for a short time but will eventually begin to revert back to its own natural shape. If you cannot let your partner be free them set them free! Enough said!

Rule # 3 "CLEARLY IDENTIFY YOUR PERSONAL RULES OF OPERATION"

Once you are both aware that some kind of relationship is starting, without preconceiving it, simply engage in a candid discussion concerning your rules for social interaction. This is not a time to be prudish or shy because it may very well guide you into a good or bad groove depending on how it is handled. It is important to establish this open forum because during the lifetime of the relationship you must constantly revisit the rules of operation as you and it evolve. The problem with a covenant is that it set in stone and quickly becomes obsolete with respect to the way a relationship has changed. If I allowed myself to enter into any covenant at all either written or verbal it would contain the condition that every 6 months or whatever arbitrary timeframe seemed logical at the time, the terms of the covenant would be up for discussion, re-evaluation and re-adoption, modification or elimination, including the covenant itself.

If sex is a dynamic of an evolving couple it is important to establish a healthy understanding of where both parties stand with respect to sexual activity outside of the relationship. The worst thing to do when you first meet, have sex with, and begin to enjoy another person is to blindly cut off all established relationships. If you are moving into a healthy direction it will become apparent over the course of time and other relationships will become accessory or ancillary but be sure you are on the same page with your partner before tearing up that black book! You may not be adding any new entries, which might not be a good thing before you are certain that a hold is appropriate but keep that book as an insurance plan the same way you backup your important files at work.

Remember that rules are only abstract, intangible ideas; humans are in love with the idea of being in love and in harmony but at the end of the day their fealty to such noble constructs must be proven by deed! Don't fall in love with the contract! Contracts are broken every day... the best way to manage a relationship based on established rules of operation is not to manage it at all... just keep your eyes open! A healthy relationship can never function to the satisfaction of both parties when there is excessive, "PUSSY MANAGEMENT"! Since you cannot physically be with your partner 24 hours a day there will always be a possibility that they will enter into, continue or re-establish an accessory relationship without honoring the terms of honor established in the rules of operation. Libido is a powerful thing y'all... and must be respected as such which leads to the fourth rule...

Rule #4. "NEVER ALLOW SEXUAL FIDELITY TO BECOME THE PRIMARY MEASURE OF A RELATIONSHIP"

A relationship that survives over many years becomes a deeply rooted partnership, owing to a time-tested companionship sustained by the social dynamics of partners who honestly enjoy sharing their lives with each other. As a relationship matures sex alone is no longer the primary glue holding it all together. By this time sex has been replaced over and over again by different facets of shared interest nurtured over many years and experiences that provide a unique bond commonly called friendship. Sexual fidelity is a selfish concept grounded in our sense of insecurity especially in the early stages of a relationship, before real friendship including its shared struggle and accomplishment has been established as a strong foundation for companionship. Many married and established couples pride themselves in having established healthy relationships that are not solely based on sex, however statistics show that many established relationships are ended due to un-reconcilable issues due to infidelity. I am not saying that couples should have an open-door sex policy, this is a private matter unique to each relationship. What I am saying is that when more energy is being expended to verify a partner is sexually faithful than simply enjoying that partners friendship and companionship the role of "PUSSY MANAGEMENT" begins to kill the free and natural function of a relationship between persons who might otherwise genuinely enjoy one another socially in so many ways. Remember you cannot nor should you ever wish to control the behavior of another adult. Their independent actions will tell you where they are in comparison with yourself. You must have something more substantive to fall back on in a relationship other than sexual fidelity. Would you justify living with someone whom you absolutely despised and had no mutual compatibility with for 20 years simply because they never engaged in sex outside of your relationship? Remember, "THE PATH YOU TAKE IS THE CHOICE YOU MAKE"!

Even though it is arbitrary, people like to cluster rules into neat sets that are iconic, thus easily digested. For example, the Moses of Biblical exodus undoubtedly struggled with the commandments he was given, and with no pen and pad he surely forgot a few or edited them down based on the finite space on those stone tablets and owing to their weight. Had Moses been a powerlifter as much as twenty commandments might have been recorded, but in the efficiency of weight and time he could only carry a stone big enough for the 10 of legend. Now in the event that God actually smote those tablets with lightening carving their shapes as well as engraving them, (as dramatised in the Charlton Heston classic), Moses of Hollywood would have gotten the, "Hook-Up" since it is doubtful that he climbed the mountain equipped with a chisel and mallet. Even so, it's worth a rewind to see if he had a tool belt underneath his tunic. Archaeologist's may yet find an ancient tool belt on that mountain fully equipped and bearing Moses' initials... and perhaps a logo the equivalent of whatever the Home Depot of that time would have been... If this isn't sound enough rationale for adding one more rule to the list I don't know what else possibly could...

The last ground-rule, you may think, is a bit redundant... But thanks to our salivating friend Pavlov we have learned a great deal about the way humans think and whether metaphorically, subliminally or directly stated this important rule which has been alluded to many times over within the body of this discourse is hereby being elevated from support status to a full-fledged rule. It is no coincidence that it was repeated incessantly as a dastardly scheme to fix it in your consciousness... Admittedly it is a lot less overt and infinitely more tactful than the vintage Subliminal Suggestion skit on Saturday Night Live.

Rule #5 "NEVER RUSH A RELATIONSHIP... TAKE YOUR TIME"

Remember what Kumar did before leaving for Amsterdam prior to being sent to Guantanamo Bay? Very good... He had a quickie... A Quickie can be an extremely satisfying thing for the moment but the funny thing is... we never remember them... they must get sent to some remote memory folder in the brain where they are forgotten, much like the land of unwanted toys. Who wants to create a huge folder of pseudo-relationships that have been forgotten because they were rushed so badly there was never anything of any substance to remember about them. Why... you wouldn't even remember if the sex was good and in my opinion bad sex is like a sin against humanity. There are only two kinds of sex; incredible sex and bad, unmemorable sex. But let me re-focus... this conversation is not about sex... at least not completely... it is about taking your time.

Some people are addicted to quickies. They play out the same tired scenario time and time again including but not limited to; meeting a person they think they will like but preconceiving love from a short series of sexual or nonsexual encounters; rushing into commitments neither party has had time to think through; placing unrealistic expectations better suited for a mature relationship upon one that is not yet established including placing and inordinately high importance on sexual fidelity before existing relationships have been properly concluded. Such relationship, never being allowed time to develop are concluded as soon as they are begun

Rule #6, "A VIRTUAL RELATIONSHIP IS NOT THE SAME AS A PHYSICAL ONE"


How many times do my friends tell me they are having trouble in their relationship and then after extensive interrogation I discover they are referring to someone they have met online.  For those who embark upon that undefinable journey in cyberspace known as a "Virtual Relationship".... BEWARE!  Everything is possible in cyberspace... there is no way to verify anything... that is, if it is your intent to physically connect with your computer paramour.  Pictures can be faked, physical attributes "beefed-up", location, sex, race, ethnicity, age, height, weight, virtually... and I literally mean virtually everything is suspect until subjected to empirical verification!  Similarly, relationships that consist primarily of phone calls and texts, (even though both parties live in close proximity), are almost the same as virtual ones or long-distance relationships to be sure.  For someone who is not interested in   interacting with a real person, this is the most minor of issues but for those who are really looking to form a tactile, human connection including spending quality time face to face with the person they call lover this is a serious problem. 

While you should never pre-conceive a relationship at some point it is essential to make a status report to see where you stand.  Since there is no "magical" timeframe this is open to interpretation but it does not take rocket science to establish if you have a virtual or physical relationship... to determine this ask yourself these questions:

1. Have you ever seen your lover face to face? If yes how long since the last time?
2. Do you have your lovers home phone, cell phone and work phone numbers?
3. Have you ever been to your lovers home? If yes how long since the last time?
4. What is the longest time you have spent with your lover? How long since the last time?
5. How often do you see your lover? What is the average time you spend together?
6. How many hours do you spend talking to your lover on the phone per day? Per Week?
7. How many hours do you spend texting your lover per day? Per week?
8. Are you acquainted with your lovers family and friends? How often do you see them?
9. What does your lovers occupation? have you visited their workplace? How often?
10. What activities do you share with your lover such as working out, shopping, etc.?
11. How often do you have sex with your lover? Per day? Per week?
12. How often do you masturbate alone in lieu of being with your lover? Per Day? Per Week?
13. How long does it take to get from your house to your lovers house?
14. How often do you go out alone or with friends per week?
15. How often do you go out with your lover per week?

I know that most articles give you a convenient table to assess if you have a long distance relationship or if you have an intimate one but I am going to give you the benefit of doubt that you can make that assessment yourself.  Do let me know if I am incorrect, I would be happy to review your answers and give you my opinion.  Before I opine on your status it is important that I know what your opinion is.  Generally if you are spending more time over the phone and texting, not actually being in the same place at the same time as your partner most of the time; if you see your lover less than 3 times in a week of 7 days, and if you spend on the average less than 3 or 4 hours with them 1 to 2 times a week you are having a very sparse interaction and are almost on the verge of a long distance relationship.  If you have gone weeks without seeing your partner you do have a long distance relationship and if you have never seen your partner or see them less than once every two to three weeks or even once a week for less than 3 hours at a time with communications via text and phone you have a virtual and/or long distance relationship.  See that wasn't hard at all and you did it all by yourself. 

There is nothing wrong with having a long distance or virtual relationship but if that's what it is you should be aware of it.  For the modern person, there may not be time for anything but an occasional text, email or phone conversation.  For some, just a small amount of interpersonal fellowship can fill the void.  People with very busy schedules may not actually have time to manage a full time up-close and personal partner.  It may be better for them to have a virtual partner with no real ties and responsibilities.  the problem arises if and when you begin to have some kind of emotional connection and want to make the transition from a virtual relationship to a physical one. 

In the final and every other analysis, a virtual relationship is not the same as a physical one. 

A virtual relationship lacks any physical one on one interaction, it is restricted to online video, emails, texts and phone calls.  A virtual relationship including all of the parameters that determine your rationale for attraction to your virtual partner exist only in cyberspace and cannot be verified.  In extreme cases virtual partners may be married but due to extraordinary circumstances are almost permanently separated for long or indefinite periods of time, (years, months).

A long-distance relationship is closer to a virtual relationship because it must rely heavily or entirely upon computer video, email or cellular texting or calls in order to establish communication.  Most long-distance relationships entail long flights or road trips because both partners live many miles apart and daily travel is impossible or impractical except on weekends or some weekdays but not consistently.  In a long-distance relationship both partners may be well acquainted with one anther's friends and family and they may spend infrequent quality time for more than 24 hours at a time.  A long-distance relationship may include partners who live together or are married but separated due to occupation or other variables.

A physical and local relationship is established when both partners live close to each other and are able to enjoy frequent companionship which, owing to proximity may be from a few hours to a few days per week.  It is typical in a physical/local relationship for both partners to share mutual friends and to be acquainted with one anther's family, colleagues and other associations.  the physical/local relationship is most conducive for establishing long standing friendship and understanding/familiarity with another partners personality characteristics.  A physical relationship may include partners who live together or are married. 
Just remember that before you start making moves toward monogamy and such you may be setting yourself up for a big disappointment when you actually have time to spend with your virtual/long distance partner and issues of accountability come to bear.  Keep your eyes open, it is always better than blindly leaping into uncharted water.  which leads us to the next topic...


Rule #7 "DON'T BE AFRAID TO PUT THE BRAKES ON A RELATIONSHIP"

Why am I even saying this? Right? So who has problems ending a relationship these days? Apparently no one... Sometimes it's not just putting on the brakes that is the issue, it's when to put them on...  There are many reasons why people perpetuate what they feel is a viable relationship long after it has ceased to be a constructive one.  I must emphasize that it is most desirable and admirable for partners to mobilize exhaustive efforts to preserve their relationship before throwing in the towel but don't ever be afraid to  put the brakes on if you feel that you need to come up for air.  Never mind what the neighbors, your friends, family, colleagues, church and other institutional associates including fraternity and sorority families will think... Who's living this relationship? You!  If everyone else is so concerned then they can offer you and your partner real support for your decision, otherwise they are just gossip-mongers who have no real vested interest in you or your partners emotional well being.  Being in a relationship gets lonely and very "Real" once you understand that outside of the support from friends and family it comes down to the inner strengths, (or weaknesses), of you and your lover to make things work.  An artist will tell you that it makes it easier to understand the form of a thing when you can stand back and observe it objectively.  This allows you to come back to the canvas with a fresh perspective... Some people mistake a relationship for punishment... it should not be a constant trial of pain, hardship, animosity and struggle.  A relationship should be positively inspiring and beneficial for both parties... most of the time... Every relationship will experience down-turns but when those troubled moments become kamikaze dives... it's time to put on the brakes! 

Rule #8 "REVISIT AND UPDATE THE TERMS OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP FREQUENTLY"

The problem with an inflexible contract, like marriage vows or a rental agreement, is that they are designed to be permanent... but people change... and so do other variables that affect the ability of a person to live up to the terms of the contract...

The fact of the matter is that people and the relationships they form are always subject to change  so in order to establish a healthy grasp on these variables it is important to implement a dynamic and flexible contract that respects the way we change and grow as people.  Forcing one self to abide by rules and arrangements that are no longer relevant to your life is a recipe for disaster... it will cause you to resent the contract as well as the person(s) associated with it.  This is because of the innate instinct of humans to be free and more specifically to be held accountable for things that we currently embrace as ideals.  I used the word currently to emphasize the fact that human emotions and sensibilities, philosophies, ambitions, passions are all constantly changing and as long as this evolution is positive and constructive it is a good thing. 

I always reference the sexual revolution of the mid-twentieth century because it was truly a turning point for the way in which human beings thought about relationships.  The old Victorian relationship was virtually set in stone! Marriage vows were sacrosanct, and could only be severed by God himself!  Modern men agree that it is more beneficial to have a flexible arrangement allowing them to transition in and out of relationships with considerably less difficulty should necessity require.  In defense of the "Old Ways" they did represent a wonderful sense of order, consistency and self-restraint.  However anyone who has ever been in a dysfunctional relationship knows that not being able to escape, renovate or tweak it can be one of the most devastating and depressing episodes in a persons life.

I am not advocating a watered down form of commitment by any means... because the level of commitment between a couple at any time is simply what it is regardless of what has been written on paper and signed by decree.  It is what is is... Revisiting the terms and conditions of a relationship frequently has several advantages:

1. It keeps couples in touch with their emotions for one another by reaffirming love or documenting the loss of love.
2. It allows couples to manage significant changes in their lives such as fluctuations in income or work load, work location changes or changes in their daily routines including hobbies and extracurricular interests.
3. It can help couples track the evolution of their relationship so that they can monitor it and gauge if they are moving too fast or if they are not moving aggressively enough in any aspects of their companionship.
4. It can help couples manage changes in emotions so that they are not faced with drastic shifts in compatibility if they remain honest in their regular assessments.  In this way nobody "Drops the Bomb" on their partner without them both seeing it coming. 
5. It sets the tone for a realistic and comfortable relationship based on terms that reflect the changing needs of all parties in the partnership at any given time by deleting or modifying terms that did not work or were not effective at meeting the goals and objectives of the relationship. 
6. It forces partners to pay attention to one another!
7. It interjects a wholesome dose of reality so that all parties are conscious of the fact that their relationship is not set in stone for good reason... it can change or be abolished at any time so no one party can take ungainly advantage of the other because of a contractual "GOTCHA" that makes traps the other party into an arrangement they no longer want.
8. It respects and celebrates the right of each partner to change and the duty of each partner to respect that change. 

As a society we tell couples that communication is an important hallmark that will preserve the longevity and happiness of a relationship.  The irony is that we then lock them into inflexible contracts that have nothing to do with communication... so they stop communicating since everything is set in stone what is there to discuss? Nothing is negotiable... the terms are either going to be honored or abandoned.  What a ridiculous arrangement! As a society we are fearful of choice and freedom because it may mean that some relationships will be ended.  That is life! Writing something down and setting it in stone only serves to haunt and inconvenience those who signed off in the end.  Better to be mature about it and shoot for the moon with frequent utility checks along the way.