FOR THE BROTHAS: AN INTRODUCTION

It must have been about 20 years ago when I first began thinking about creating a "Cultural Salon" as a reaction to the mundane social circles In Washington D.C. The richness of intellectual and artistic interchange had died, college friends had moved, the internet had not yet become the phenomenon it now is... I romanticised about the Salons of the mid to late 1800's in Paris, London and Berlin and the cultural dynamo of the Harlem Rennaisance. I was fortunate enough to meet a gentleman, an artist who lived and traveled with James Baldwin... Jimmy he affectionately called him, and he spoke often of their small cottage in southern France and of the many Artists, Poets and Luminaries that dropped in to chat and relax. Well, the impressionists, cubists, modernists, etc. all hung out together famously in those days and shared their ideas with one another creating a creative greenhouse in a world that was rapidly changing. I longed to have lived in those times, to have met Cassat, Rodin, Ellington, Fitzgerald, Baker, Balwin, well I did finally meet Baldwin and others purely for the joy of intellection upon the arts. This was in the late 1980's and by the mid 2000's I happened to run into a friend of mine from Hampton University who had been living in New York since he graduated in the early 90s. Well, I was surprised to hear him comment that in all of the wonder that is New York he never met anyone who ever really had anything interesting to say about art, literature, architecture, science, fashion or anything... I was so surprised to hear this since it had also been my experience. Well here I am in 2011 attempting the Virtual Salon...

Sunday, March 20, 2011

ON THE ISSUE OF "FIDELITY" WITHIN THE CONTEXT OF A "RELATIONSHIP"

The issue of fidelity within the context of a relaionship far predates the classical models, Clytemnestra and Agamemnon or Helen and Paris but its ramifications still beguile the modern 21st century human psyche. Whether it is a high profile event such as that of former President Clinton, Rev. Eddie Long or an average
situation that affects the lkes of you and me it all measures up to the same thing in my opinion... "PUSSY MANAGEMENT"!  I personally coined the term, Pussy Management about 10 years ago when experiencing a difficult relationship and I have liberally used it to describe the considerable effort exhasted, typically within a relationship, in verifying sexual fidelity or measuring the degree to which it remains intact.  To be honest, the task is better suited to a geologist who must determine the extent of damage incurred by soil erosion.  But alas... there it is...

If there is a working definition for the concept of "RELATIONSHIP" then it is too lengthy for this discussion because it would have to encompass every facet of human interaction.  There are literally as many differnt types of relationships as there are people... each one unique.  So there is no "standard" definition for relationship... as the cliche goes; "It is what it is".

Fidelity however, is another story with respect to generality. Fidelity can be and ustually is assessed in very specific quantifiable terms.  Depending on the degree of formality of any relationship, fidelity may or may not ever come up as a manageable variable.  However, when it does become an issue fidelity is a contract, verbal or nonverbal, that has definable boundaries agreed upon by two or more parties. 

Well, back then to Pussy Management... or for the more sensitive, select the more victorian euphemism: "Fidelity within the context of a relationship".  Only one thing seems to have changed from the classical models of infidelity: that is the duty and integrity of the man who violates his, "sacred" vows to be a man and openly disclose, even celebrate his departure from them.  This is a regrettable and cowardly stance for a real man and a true gentleman.  The proper, gentlemanly and heroic thing for a man to do when he no longer wishes to abide by any of the terms in the covenant of his relationship is to advise the other stakeholder(s), (I say this because some modern relationships may not be monogamous), of his desire to alter or withdraw from some or all of the agreed terms of the covenant.  In short, if you are man enough to promise another person that you will abide by certain rules within a relationship and you change your mind be mature enough to let them know so that they can make the necessary changes to their life.  A simple enough rule to understand but all so complicated to live by it seems.

For myself, I have chosen not to ever engage in Pussy Management.  A mature adult fully understands choices they have made as well as the ramifications.  An adult certainly does not need me to inform them of what they already know.  As an adult I trust my intuition but that takes me into a grey space where I have no footing.  So if I have an intuition and I trust it and ask my partner if they have cheated that shows that I am uncertain.  So I ask them to tell me about the affair I know they are having so we can discuss changes in our relationship.  Let me repeat this, I say simply, "Darling please tell me about the affair you are having so we can discuss changes in our relationship"! Simple and effective, can be tailored to any particular style or language.  Try it sometime if you have to.  Now if your partner decides to play dumb or refuses to communicate you are pretty much on your own.  Will you end a 25 year relationship just because of sexual infidelity?

The moral of this story is that a mature relationship should be based on genuine companionship rather than sexual fidelity.  Pussy Management doesnt stop human libido it merely pushes the male instict to the sub-surface until it has a chance to manifest itself, if it is going to be an issue at all.   The other Moral is that a mature man faces his issues and finds integrity to deal with them choosing to share his ever changing emotions with the partner he has invested both time and compassion.  There is no majical solution to any relationship and most times partners are too immature to rise to the occasion so more than likely you will be faced with a very difficult decision so with that in mind please act both humanely and wisely.  Do what you need to do in order to bring yourslef to peace and remember if you truly love someone be man or woman enough to truly set them, and yourself free!
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