WHAT KIND OF LOVER ARE YOU?

Every man has a unique style of lovemaking... but not so unique that it cannot be analyzed against a standard set of what we shall call “Lovemaking Patterns”!  As we look over the steamy history of Male machismo with its long, infamous list of lovemaking legends, we cannot help but ask ourselves, "Where do I fall within this "Great Sexual Continuum"?" If we are looking for honest answers it might be better that we seek guidance from our former lovers, but best if it could be in an objective environment where they were completely at unawares that our insatiable egos were eavesdropping... That is if our ex’s really could be trusted to offer an objective report.  Before we get into the realm of soliciting past lovers for their evaluations of our sexual stamina I have one important business matter to attend.  “Bartender, I’d like a double on the rocks!”

Anyone who has watched the remake of "The Stepford Wives" knows the bedroom could be the last place to expect an honest evaluation of their sexual expertise from an ex. Yes people will say anything, even if they don't mean it, in the heat of passion. So then... we are left with a combination of our biased opinion of our sexual prowess and a random assortment of offerings from past, present and imagined lovers and the many half-recalled rendezvous that comprise the ever broadening landscape of our sexual performance history... the burning question that should be surfacing in your mind at this point is, "What Kind Of Lover Are You"?  or rather, “What kind of lover am I, (meaning you… “Thanks Bartender!”.” 

Well, after reading this article you should have an answer... or at least a much better idea... let me start by saying that I was moved to write this article because I observed that while men seemed to be having intelligent or at least involved discussions about sex and lovemaking online and elsewhere they lacked a well-developed understanding of the psychological structure of sexuality itself, the nature of their libido, what their partners and they were doing sexually in response to their natural sexual instincts and desires, what their desires really consisted of and why they were either acting or not acting on them in ways that would afford them greater sexual freedom and confidence as men. I felt that this was because so few men had actually taken time to analyze themselves sexually; I mean really stop, sit down, think in a quiet undisturbed location and truly look inside them breaking down their whole sexual operation.  Since sex is one of our most basic instincts, one that almost needs no teaching, (remember I said almost… Cheers!), or instruction we all assume that it is one of life’s most simple pleasures... and in fact it is... that is once we really understand what we are doing and why human sexuality becomes more of the open book we romanticize about, though having never read the book thoroughly ourselves.

Experimenting with sex as a kid or teenager is so much different from performing as a sexual adult. The adult world of sexuality is a much more serious place to navigate and it requires skills and determination that are only earned through trial and error.  A good lover is a man who understands his sexual desires and needs and who also takes time to understand those of his partners in order to channel his energy in the direction for enjoyable, creative sex.  A good lover is more concerned about his partners satisfaction than his own.  And as long as his partner is also on the same page they will both meet at a mutual point of mature, sexual bliss.  A bad lover is a "Hacker" literally cutting his way through the forest in reckless, unsophisticated abandon instead of navigating his way in, around, across, through, over, under, etc., in a polished, stylish, mature and talented manner. Nearly every man wishes to be considered to be suave in bed... but it takes more than just the basic physical tools for a man to truly perform with legendary talent when engaged in sex. Now I will not make the mistake of excluding the category of men who do not aspire to achieve lofty levels of sexual performance. There are many men who are ambivalent, have a distinct disdain or are completely neutral about the issue of the level of their sexual performance. Furthermore, sex may be such a mundane thing to them that they never even think about it any further than as a cursory exercise... a necessary means to an end, the end being the generic release of sexually based tension. I do not profess herein to be the uncrowned savior of lost, bleak and misguided sexual libidos... and conscience... I would like the readers of this article to begin to visualize the importance of their personal role in the shaping of every sexual experience they have ever encountered and will encounter. I want men to relish the art of lovemaking and plan for it and design it much the way they develop strategies for sports and other forms of entertainment... but treating it as a mature and responsible exercise rather than an adolescent game...

I was discussing this article with woman with whom I enjoy vigorous discussions of sex and relationships; I appreciate the variety of her opinion... she being woman and therefore having a completely different frame of reference with respect to sexuality. Men are so much different than woman when it comes to sex... but one of the common attractions, for those who truly love sex, is a truly rich and memorable experience. The most memorable sexual encounters are those which are unique... and pleasurable... We store memories of our most pleasurable sexual encounters beside our unexplored fantasies and each time we make love or have sex we add to our history placing the most recent sex in its hierarchical niche with all of our past encounters.  New sex is instantaneously rated against our entire sexual history.  But if we do not truly understand why certain sexual encounters rank higher than others it becomes only a primitive structure into which we have superficially ranked some of the most complex and beautiful as well as dysfunctional sexual encounters of our life…  For such a monument to our life’s sexuality we need to know more than it was good or bad or OK… we need to know why in a much more sophisticated language of the mind.

“Bartender, more ice… and… yes… thanks for topping it off with another shot!”

Being able to map out ones sexual style does not necessarily preclude banality especially if the techniques and rituals of lovemaking are constantly being refined and expanded upon. One thing can be said for sexuality in the 21st Century relative to days past... It really has become a serious game in which both partners are challenged to look outside the box every time they make love in order to compete with the maddening landscape of media and other stimuli.

As with most subjects we need first to define the terms. This subject is broad enough to keep us embroiled in a substantive discussion forever. So I will go for a simple definitions and hope that they will suffice... if not then we will explore them further in your comments. Remember... nothing is set in stone... the purpose of this article is to engage you in an intellectual discussion... not mandate as if my opinion is the final word on the subject. In the end we all know that lovemaking is such a very personal, unique thing but something we all want to know is how good we are... in-between the sheets and elsewhere wherever the landscape of lovemaking takes us...

I want to get the technical jargon out of the way so we can talk candidly. These sexual terms are objects of my own artifice... in short... I made them up...  and I did so well before the first cocktail ever hit my lips.  but they are contrived to represent very real characteristics I have observed to typify human nature... and I am certain that when you begin to think about them you will agree, having observed them many times yourselves... so here we go...

This article seeks to identify various "Lovemaking Styles". A style of lovemaking specifically relates to a gentleman's bedside manner... it has nothing to do with whether he is a good financial provider or if he is a handyman around the house, a good neighbor or a bad one... that is unless these details are part of an active fantasy involving sexual role playing, otherwise, it simply defines his method of "throwing it down". In order to zoom in on a man’s sexual style we must first identify the basic elements all lovemaking styles, specifically we need to target what I call a man’s, "Lovemaking/Sexual Arsenal or Repertoire". For instance, does he lick earlobes and if he does, is his technique dry or wet? Does he lick or bite nipples? What is his standard "Ritual" of sexual techniques including the length of time employed, the intensity and the quality of the technique on his way to penetration or to being penetrated? If we could sit down and write a step by step narrative of everything we do while making love to another person what would it look like?  The pattern of a man’s lovemaking techniques all define the sexual ritual he prefers. 

EXCERSISE #1:

This is the first exercise for each reader to complete! Stop now and remembering the last time you made love, write down everything you did including the time you spent doing it from start to finish! Don’t question it, don’t try to analyze it, just do it now please for this you will need a piece of paper and writing utensil so keep them both handy during this article.

If you have successfully accomplished this first exercise then you have taken the first step to "Mapping" your personal lovemaking style. It has been my observation that a man’s "Lovemaking Style" typically changes with each different sexual partner. Each pair or groups of lovers possess their own unique “Sexual Style-Identifiers" and "Contextual Sex-Style-Identifiers". For instance, a gentleman, (politely, without ever identifying the identity of his partner), described in detail the location, manner of dress and specific manner of dialogue pertaining to a recent sexual encounter. It became evident, as he provided more detail, that the minutiae of detail; In the fire stairway of his girlfriend’s condo; At the top of the stair before the penthouse door; at 4:00a.m.; and fully unclothed, represented unique sexual style identifiers to the ritual of his lovemaking style with that partner. the place, a highly utilized representing a substantial element of risk especially while they were naked in a confined space set up the sexual identifiers. No matter where or with whom this man has sex his preferred style is in places where there is a high risk of discovery. Sexual style identifiers are elements that help you map a unique sexual style and ritual. They are unlike elements of a sexual repertoire, which deal primarily with specifically applied sexual techniques such as kissing, licking, or sucking or stroking for example. A sexual style identifier is more related to the creation of a mood or theme for lovemaking whereas contextual sex-style-identifiers are very specific details about the place, time, position, texture, color, sound, attire, etc., and includes elements set the conditions for the type of environment intended for lovemaking such as lighting, temperature, etc.,.

Now there are two basic types of lovemaking styles; First is the "External-Gratifier" and Second if the "Self-Gratifier" or “Internal-Gratifier”. The External Gratifier is almost totally empathetic, he is focused on satisfying his partner and closely monitors their reactions to every sexual technique he employees. He is most in tune with what pleases his partner and measures his sexual power by his ability to please. Contrary to this, the Internal Gratifier is concerned about his own sexual satisfaction above that of his partner. For our purposes we will refer to their respective styles as "Internally-Identified Lovemaking Style" and "Externally-Identified Lovemaking Style"

Of course, whether a person possesses an Internally-Identified Lovemaking Style or an Externally-Identified Lovemaking Style is determined by Internal or External Identified Rituals. That is to say that it is ultimately the arsenal of sexual techniques, organized in an effective ritual of application that will send the message home... I cannot over-simplify the sexual roles implied by the Internal and Externally-Identified Styles as Top and Bottom or Dominant and Submissive because there are so many other variables that lay in between these extremes. The wonderful thing about polarity though, is that it does begin to define some kind of tangible landscape for this broad territory.

Whether a man will assume a sexual role as an External or Internal Gratifier significantly depends upon his temperament at the time that he becomes aroused, however as is more than likely the case many men will stay relatively close to home emulating a similar pattern each time they have sex.  Male arousal looks for and is triggered by recognizable, familiar, stimulus which is why some men never attempt to change their lovemaking style because it always works for them.  The problems arise when a man fails to recognize the necessity of varying his lovemaking style and loses interest due to what is called, “Stimulus Saturation”.  Men can be very stubborn indeed, refusing to vary from old and proven sexual rituals even if it becomes clear that they no longer produce the desired effect.  At this point a man has only three choices:

1.      Revise his lovemaking style, by updating his sexual repertoire and rituals.

2.      Continue to repeat the same ineffective lovemaking style until all interest no longer exists.

3.      Abstain from sex altogether replacing its gratification with other stimuli such as hobbies or travel or work.  (While superficially effective this desperate strategy merely pretends to ignore the instinctive call of the male libido).

Of course in the real world nothing is ever so cut and dried as this... most men fluctuate liberally between different variations of internal and external identified lovemaking styles even altering their sexual ritual to shift from one to the other during a lovemaking session. Typically but not always, a man will begin as the aggressor working to subdue his sexual target... providing external pleasure to his partner in order to arouse them. Where he goes once his target is successfully aroused is pretty much governed by his lovemaking style.  If he is an internal gratifier he closely monitors the response of his partner during this ritual before he gives up the reigns and begins to lay back to be pleasured. If he is an external gratifier he will continue to take more and more control over the lovemaking process allowing his subject to relax and enjoy the show.  But again this is not any standard... the dynamics of lovemaking are a diverse as those who engage in them. This is meant only as a structure from which to evaluate lovemaking styles...  Unfortunately even a poor sexual style is nonetheless a viable lovemaking style.  Although it is difficult for me to imagine anyone being truly 100 percent celibate, including having no sexual fantasies or desires, (the very idea brings forth pain), we must also consider this option because the human mind is a powerful tool and it might of course possible for a man to completely suppress any sensibility of sexuality if only for a brief interval of time…  When I was in High School a priest, who was my religion professor, when asked if he had experienced sexual desires replied, “Yes I am a man and I do have sexual desires and urges just like every other human being but I don’t act on them the same way that a lay person would.”  I respected this Friar who was also a role model for me because of his honesty.  He could have easily given in to guilt and fear regarding the struggle with his human instincts denying the presence of any sexual urges; but fully understanding himself as a man first and a priest secondly he was able to rout out the characteristic guilt which often drives an unnatural suppression of the male libido, a denial that can easily manifest itself in cheating since one is already in denial… Breaking ones vows can truly be an easy option that can be fully enjoyed with no fear of ever being officially recognized as a problem once the problem has been effectively suppressed.  Thank goodness that contemporary clinical thought recognizes the suppression of ordinary, normal human instinct as a potential pathology unto itself.  It is always best to confront our human instincts head on.  Denying normal human tendencies and desires will not make them go away it merely constructs a convenient, fragile and precarious overly between a man and his emotions.   A priest may justify his abstinence from sexual pursuits as a catalyst for focusing his energy on the nature of divinity but he knows the urges common to all men are still his to grapple with.  A man who suppresses his sexuality out of fear rather than principled  standards and reason always runs the risk of succumbing to his passions when the element of fear has been removed and he becomes free to explore them under the camouflage of invisibility or anonymity with respect to those whom he fears will judge him, hence the aberrant lifestyle known as living on the Down Low. But this discussion is not about lifestyles it is about the nature of sexual pattern.  Again I find that I have digressed as a sanguine glass of Merlot evanesces to a mere drop at the bottom of my deep goblet…

We’ve discussed some fairly heavy terminology at length so I think it is time to back up a bit to allow me to define this nomenclature in greater detail.  Alas, that I finished the glossary before my glass of wine is testament to my trust in the greater virtues of sobriety in the explication of such weighty matters, but still I sip… And as I sip I wonder quietly to myself at first, then louder so that if anyone were sitting beside me they would surely hear, “Bartender, where has my cocktail gone?  I didn’t order wine, (but I drank it) Let’s have another cocktail on the rocks!”

GLOSSARY:

1. Lovemaking Style: A unique and individual expression and application of sexual techniques including the sequence and intensity in which this offering is presented while making love. Sexual style is a complex network of elements which communicate to create a sexual experience that has texture, color, sound, context, structure and dimension including a distinct set of rules and boundaries that might limit the sexual journey to a definable outcome or that may transform it to an open ended unpredictable experience.

2. Sexual Arsenal: The complete nomenclature of sexual skills, techniques and offerings provided by and unique to and individual whether they employ them regularly or not. Examples of elements of a sexual arsenal include, tongue kissing and fellatio.

3. Sexual Ritual: A series of sexual offerings and their specific techniques organized and executed within a lovemaking session.  A sexual ritual is characterized by a linear procession of offerings from a sexual arsenal of techniques for example; flirting first then touching, kissing, etc., etc., etc. moving forward toward a greater intensity of lovemaking techniques.  Sexual rituals answer the question: “What will I/you/we do to get you/me/us off and in what order?”

4. Sexual Style Identifiers: The unique characteristics of a lovemaking style between two or more persons who are engaged incidental, intermittent or regular sexual encounters that make them unique from patterns and elements present in lovemaking rituals with other persons. Sexual style identifiers are more concerned with the creation of a mood or theme for lovemaking, they often involve the exploration of a specific fantasy or fetish that could involve risk, multiple partners, specific apparel or behavior, even danger for example; they answer the question... “What really turns me on”?

5. Contextual Sex-Style-Identifiers: The components of lovemaking that answer where, when, how much, what and to what extent, they set the stage for lovemaking and create the setting for the theme that drives it.  An example of a contextual sex-style identifier would be making love on the roof of a parking structure, in a janitor’s closet or in the bedroom on the bed.

6. External-Gratifier: A person who is primarily focused on the sexual satisfaction of his partner(s) above himself. This man derives sexual gratification from the positive reaction of his partner(s). External gratifiers have "Externally-Identified Lovemaking Styles" characterized by "External-Identified Rituals".

7. Self-Gratifier/Internal-Gratifier: A person who is primarily focused on the sexual satisfaction of himself above that of his partner(s). This man derives sexual gratification from being unconditionally served and he feels that his partner(s) will be sexually gratified as an external pleaser. Internal gratifiers have, "Internally-Identified Lovemaking Styles" characterized by "Internal-Identified Rituals".

8. External-Identified Lovemaking Style: A personal style for lovemaking that combines a repertoire of sexual elements, (sexual arsenal), to create a unique sexual ritual focused primarily on the sexual gratification of a partner who is being serviced and is not expected to reciprocate. The more submissive persona is typically but not exclusively the one administering the sexual gratification to the person who is the dormant recipient of pleasure from the external-identified person.

9. Internal-Identified Lovemaking Style: A personal style for lovemaking that expects, entreats and evokes the application of a repertoire of sexual elements, (sexual arsenal) from another person, (an external-identified person) for the host, to create a unique sexual ritual focused primarily on the sexual gratification of the host who is being serviced and is not expected to reciprocate. The dominant persona is typically but not exclusively the one receiving the sexual gratification from the one who is administering pleasure. The recipient is typically more active in the command and orchestration of the sexual ritual. Typically he is in charge and seeks to actively manipulate his partner for his own sexual gratification.

10. External-Identified Rituals: Sexual rituals focused on pleasing the other partner typically but not exclusively without regard for any type of reciprocation.

11. Internal-Identified Rituals: Sexual rituals focused on pleasing a dominant partner and implemented by that dominant partner as a structure for sexual control typically but not exclusively without any regard for reciprocation.

12.  Sexual Gamer: Borrowed from the term “Gamer” a casino game specialist, the term sexual gamer refers to a man who has a fetish for sexual games and tools, implements, devices, etc., as part of his lovemaking arsenal and ritual. 

I have compiled a short list of some of the typical types of lovers some equally as humorous as those we have all certainly encountered in our long list of sexual escapades… do I speak alone… that is concerning the long list?  Even if it weren’t so long it seems as if I should have far more lovers than I may actually have known especially since I am writing from the window of one who is experientially knowledgeable about such things… Why the mere thought of actually writing all those names, dates and details down onto one sheet of paper, (or perhaps a few reams), makes me immediately think, “Bartender, another double on the rocks and one for the gentleman in the trilby over there!”

1.       

THE LOVER TYPES LIST: A COMPILATION OF INCIDENTAL PERSONALITIES…

1. THE TEXTBOOK LOVER:

Who knew there was a published textbook on lovemaking other than the Kama Sutra that was actually written and edited by your partner?  Chances are there wasn’t but that has not dissuaded him from acting as if every aspect of the lovemaking process has to be executed to the precise specifications of his inner-book!  The Textbook Lover rarely changes his sexual rituals or adds to his sexual arsenal and he may have either an internal or externally-identified lovemaking style.  The sexual style identifiers and sexual contextual style identifiers may be extremely interesting for this type which may make up for the lack of diversity and creativity in the sexual arsenal and rituals.  The Textbook Lover requires his partner(s) to kiss, touch, look, and make love in a very specific way that will not change because it is, after all, the proper textbook way to do it!  When making love to a Textbook Lover it is important to help them understand the importance of upgrading the existing text or purchasing new books from time to time.

2. THE RULES OF ENGAGEMENT LOVER:

There may be no more controlling personality in the bedroom than the “Rules Of Engagement Lover.”  Short of being a military commandant there is no parallel to the level of compliance required by any other person with respect to their “sacred” rules of sexual engagement.” 

3. THE DADDY’S BOY LOVER:

This lover must have carefully watched or listened to his Daddy’s lovemaking techniques and adopted them as his own for lack of any better mentorship.  The good side is that if Daddy was good in bed then so will this man, at least if he was able to successfully translate what he remembers having experienced.  The other parallel is that if your man is a daddy’s boy and he interpreted his father’s lovemaking style as internally or externally gratifying he will most likely have imitated “Daddy’s” model.  All you have to do is inquire about how he remembers his parent’s sexual style if and when it is appropriate of course and voila!  Again, the Daddy’s Boy Lover may go either way with respect to the type of sexual gratification style he prefers and this does not mean that he will not sometimes deviate from the pattern on occasion. 

4. THE MOMMY’S BOY LOVER:

The Mommies Boy Lover might be very sensitive to the needs of his partner if he learned his sexual style from his mother and if his mother was a sensitive woman.  Like The Daddy’s Boy Lover A Mommy’s Boy Lover will tend to imitate the sexual style of his mother with respect to being internally or externally gratified. 

5. THE TIT FOR TAT LOVER:

What this lover sees as the order of his sexual ritual is a follow-the-leader kind of disbursement.  He follows your lead but almost never initiates or innovates beyond the set pattern of lovemaking historically set between you and he or by the history of his partners if this is your first sexual encounter.  Invariably as soon as he learns your arsenal he will mimic it to the letter.  Most likely he does this out of a genuine desire to balance the relationship.  Unfortunately the spontaneity and intuitiveness that we sometimes desire in our sex will not be satisfied by a copy-cat lover whose sexual gratification style is mimicked to suit what he thinks his partner desires rather than what he knows they need and enjoy.  The Tit For Tat Lover is definitely has an externally gratified sexual style because his objective is really to be pleased by satisfying his partner assuming that they will take the lead in defining the sexual ritual of their lovemaking sessions.  If you are in love with a Copy-Kat lover you should know better than to hurt their sensitive manner but devise a way to talk our your fantasies with them so that they know what you like and give them feedback whenever you are especially pleased by any element of their sexual repertoire so that they know that they can readily interchange it within their lovemaking ritual. 

6. THE READY BUT SWEATY LOVER:

Add a humorous note to the ready but sweaty lover who, to his credit, probably has no lack of creativity, skill or enthusiasm with respect to lovemaking but he will invariably soak your bed sheets, pillows and any other area where the two of you make love; so you should invest in sheets and towels…  The saving grace for The “Ready But Sweaty Lover” is that what he lacks in sweat gland control he more than rectifies in his bedroom skills… This man truly works hard for his money… He is typically not always an eternal gratifier who has at least two amazing techniques in his sexual arsenal.  You will have to prod him to keep him from repeating his sexual ritual because he really gets into his craft but you might find that he has other skills and is eager to learn and practise and refine them and as long as there are plenty of towels, a couple of fans and a thermostat to turn on the cold you should be able to lay back and enjoy this wet and wonderful personality.  The Ready But Sweaty Lover is definitely a keeper in my book.

7. THE INQUISITIVE LOVER:

When a man asks you, “Baby do you like that? Does that feel good to you? When he asks you during and after sex over dinner, around friends and family, (within polite limits of course), that means you have an inquisitive lover who wants feedback from you in order to improve your sexual healthiness and landscape.  The inquisitive Lover may be close kin to The Olympic Lover in which case his inquisitiveness is merely driven by a desire to glorify himself and his sexual prowess.  You will know which one he is more closely related to by his bedside manner.  If he is gentle and caring and genuinely interested in your sexual enjoyment demonstrating more externally identified lovemaking traits they you have an Inquisitive Lover who truly cares about you, your sexual health and enjoyment.

THE NO FRILLS LOVER:

The No Frills Lover, AKA The Hit It and Quit It Lover, the Fuck and Duck Lover known by perhaps many other names besides is the least desirable personality for anyone who is serious about the fine art of making love but for those looking to quickly scratch an itch and are shopping with a short list of needs and wants and an even shorter timeframe to get to wonderland this might be the best thing since designer condoms in various sizes, colors and flavors.  You don’t have to admit it here but chances are you’ve encountered this genus of lover.  Because the focus it 100% on quick impersonal sex this lover may have an internally or externally-identified lovemaking style, or both.  But since time and opportunity windows are small there is little time for anyone to devote time to figuring out complicated courtship rules and special details.  I will venture to say that The Hit It and Quit It Lover probably has an internally-identified lovemaking style because his objective is obtaining personal pleasure quickly so even if he is the one servicing the other partner his focus may be mostly on his own gratification, satisfying an urgent need rather than a focused attempt at satisfying the other party. 

8. THE HANDYMAN LOVER :

The Handyman Lover always comes equipped with unique and interesting gadgets to enhance the sexual experience and for this reason he is sometimes referred to as The Tool Chest Lover, because he keeps a collection of erotic toys and gadgets typically in a large bag or tool chest especially if he is often required to be mobile with his services.  Whether this persona has an internally or externally-gratifies lovemaking style depends largely on whether he intends to use the tools while administering a particular phase of  of his sexual ritual pulling from his arsenal of sexual themes and skills or whether he intends for them to be used on himself administered by his sex partner.  Regardless of whether he will serve or be serviced The Tool Chest Lover is most certainly not one to bore… You may be intimate with a Handyman and never know it because he is typically reluctant to mention his predisposition for “Love Tools” until he is comfortable that his partner shares the same attraction.  Don’t be intimidated to ask if your man likes sex toys it could add that extra dimension of, “je ne sais quoi” to your love life.

9. THE LOUD LOVER:

Everyone has a story about a neighbor who woke them up or disturbed them whilst engaging in loud sex. 

10. THE BORN FOR PORN LOVER:

Pornography is an ancient and as such an essential element of human culture.  When a man has a healthy use of pornography to artificially arouse himself in-between real sex it is a wonderful and highly useful thing.  Some men even collect porn as a hobby which is quite fascinating and vintage porn is fast becoming a valuable collector’s venue.  Pornography can be used by mature adults to both create arousal and to explore new and exciting sexual elements adding them to their sexual repertoire and rituals.  Some people are turned off by pornography and this becomes a rift between them and their partner who may have an appreciation of it and find it useful in their sexual expression. It is advisable to always try to understand the degree to which any man is interested in pornography including the various types and themes he finds appealing.  It is a bad idea to adopt a crusade to compete with porn.  Try to understand a man’s purpose for using pornography first and if you feel threatened by his reliance upon it in comparison to your own self-perceived sexual charms then you should walk away from having sex with him altogether.  Never allow anything to intimidate you sexually to the point that you lose your self-esteem!  If you feel any many is happier with porn than with having healthy sex with you then leave him to his porn and go find someone who is more keyed in to you.  But don’t blame it on the porn… Put no blame upon the man for doing what he wants to do and feels entitled to as a free man.  You are the one with the problem! Face it and walk away with your pride.  It is unfortunate that Some Americans consider pornography to be evil or bad because it can truly be viewed as an art form just like any other form of human self-expression.  When used responsibly by consenting adults porn is really just another form of entertainment and in spite of the negative connotation it has to many Americans billions of dollars are annually spent on porn in the U.S.  It is not my intention to justify or support the pornography industry but to identify a type of man who might utilize it for recreational purposes as is his right as a mature, adult American citizen.  Like any other product, the industry that produces pornography cannot be held responsible for those who abuse it.  I will say that I do not endorse any aberrant forms of pornography such as are sanctioned by the laws of The United States.  It is my opinion that pornography is strictly for the entertainment of mature adults and its content should include only mature and consenting adults.   It is the nature of all forms of adult entertainment that they can be utilized responsibly or abused.  There are clear instances in which the obsessive use of porn as a substitute for real, tactile human sex becomes problematic.  In circumstances such as when men are  incarcerated and cannot have regular sex pornography can be a really effective way to assist them in the satisfaction of their natural human instincts.  Just like The Liquid Lover, I find that The Born For Porn Lover can sometimes run the risk of standing on a precarious cliffs-edge somewhere between an insatiable external addiction and a very similar innate instinctual need to experience sexual relief.  For The Born For Porn Lover when the distinction between real and virtual sex has become dangerously blurred there is a problem.  For this reason having sex with The Born For Porn Lover who has overcompensated porn for real sex can often be quite antiseptic as they can become more keyed in to accessory pornographic media to achieve orgasm than they are with the actual warm blooded, breathing human being.  With The Born For Porn Lover, pornography at its most egregious becomes a surrogate sex partner a sex toy or gadget similar to a chronic Tool Chest Lover in that they rely heavily upon some external inanimate device in order to become sexually aroused and the human element is seen merely as a vehicle or instrument employed for the purpose of dispensing the inanimate device.  When properly and responsibly used pornography can be an immensely helpful and enjoyable technique for the enhancement of sex and lovemaking but like anything else, when taken to an extreme it can also become a very dysfunctional element in the human process of sexual communication. 

11. THE SALIVA CHOCOLATE LOVER:

Some of us will agree that it would be far more sensuous and romantic to be covered with Godiva chocolate than with saliva.  Before a man begins to inundate his sex partner with his own saliva he should make sure that they are amenable to such an ablution.  Being baptized by a man’s spit can often be far from sexy to those who prefer a drier type of sex.  But for every person who is appalled by the prospect of having ear lobes, neck, nipples and every other square inch of their body encompassed in someone’s saliva there is certainly another person who finds the mere prospect undoubtedly arousing…

12. THE COMMUNITY CHEST LOVER:

If his life were an open book it would tell you all of the friends and associates of yours, many of whom you mutually share, whom this man has slept with at one time or another.  As such he is truly a community asset, his sexual exploits part of the cache of the general populous, you have encountered The Community Chest Lover.  Even though he has slept with virtually everyone, and let me add that this is not meant to blemish his character in the least, it is what it is, you may not know until much later in your relationship with him. But once you find out and attempt to draw a clean line of distinction between past present and future escapades you will suddenly become aware of all of the skeletons in the closet of The Community Chest Lover.  Do not judge him unless you have asked him and he has misrepresented himself.  If you never asked and suddenly find out you could justifiably become angered that he did not have the maturity to disclose what general knowledge to everyone else is.  Perhaps he assumed you knew… Not good enough… Unfortunately you have to make a quick decision.  Just like The Add-On’s Lover, The Community Chest Lover has a penchant for a crowd when it comes to sex.  The only real distinction between The Community Chest Lover and The Add-On’s Lover is that The Community Chest Lover may prefer to take on sex partners one at a time rather than in groups. 

13. THE SCRIPTED LOVER:

Really? Is he practicing these jaded lines on you or does he really think they are hot or more important is he aware that they are not getting you aroused?  It may be time for a new screenplay? I will not devote too much attention to The Scripted Lover because it has all been said before! Bartender where’s my cocktail!

14. THE LIQUID LOVER:

Ever notice that this man is always drunk when he wants to make love?  Chances are you have got yourself a bonifide liquid lover on your hands, the problem is what’s in his hand… if it’s not his piece it’s his drink but since there are two hands I’d bet one hand has got a cocktail in it.  The Liquid Lover is akin to his close cousin who gets Liquid Muscles at bar or cocktail lounge regardless of whether there is any physical muscle to back it up.  The Liquid Lover becomes aroused when he is drunk, if he needs a drink to become aroused every time you have sex then keep a bottle of the good stuff handy but keep less and less of it around every time so you can wean the man off the stuff.  He will be sure to notice but you might let him know that just as he can effectively replace you with a bottle or a cocktail as his primary stimulant so can you replace him with a more sober sex partner who is up and running without a hefty dose of grain alcohol before sex.  It is my opinion that due to his dependence upon alcohol for arousal The Liquid Lover has an internally identified lovemaking style focuses on his selfish need to be intoxicated.  The question both of you should be asking yourselves is why?  It is normal and typical for some people to become aroused under the influence of alcohol because it relaxes the body and its inhibitions triggered by the superego.  Who wants to think that the only reason they were able to have sex with their man regardless of whether it is good or bad is because he had to have a drink first… That is not flattering at all!  The use or abuse of alcohol may be a sexual element critical to the Liquid Lovers arsenal acting like a sex toy or artificial stimulant and it is definitely part of his sexual ritual. 

15. THE LAZY LOVER:

The Lazy Lover gets no play here!  You know who he is but as scary as this may seem often The Lazy Lover does not think he is lazy at all.  The lazy lover is definitely of the persuasion of an internally identified sexual stylist.  The Lazy Lover is the brother of The Stingy Lover and he really is so unremarkable that I daren’t even mention him except as a warning to those who might otherwise find him attractive.  If you marry this man count on having a surrogate sex partner, (a very classy way of saying that you will be having an affair with another man), and chances are he will never even notice because he is too lazy to even want to have sex.  Now some men’s libido is lower than others and there are hormone injections of testosterone that can successfully treat this disorder. 

16. THE DANGER ISLAND LOVER:

The minute you run out of dangerous or risky places to have sex chances are you will not get a rise out of this man; His middle name is “Danger!”  Sex on the train tracks, (with a train approaching), Sex in the bathroom of the police department, (with a policeman), Sex in the dining room, (when the dinner guests are about to be seated for dinner), Sex on the freeway, (a car could pass at any time at 4:00 A.M. bouncing you both from your center-lane ménage.  The possibilities are as endless as your desire to fetch your fantasies but where do you fall in the whole scheme of this dangerous game of lust?  Are you the aggressor or is he the one who lures you to precipitous sex and when you get there does his sexual style demonstrate that he is externally or internally identified?  If you are reading this entry and realize that you are reading about yourself raise your hand now!  Congratulations!  You have just self-actualized yourself as a Danger Island Lover, or you have pegged your lover spot on. 

17. THE ADD-ON’S LOVER:

If you ever came to a man’s house for romantic sex and realized that you were not the only one there ready for sex or others were inadvertently invited or arrived or contacted via phone or webcam then you may be dealing with the genus, The Add-On’s Lover.  The Add-On’s Lover is never satisfied with one partner, he wants to get busy with three or more even a large group of partners.  No matter who he is with he will eventually attempt to add on additional sex partners to satisfy his libido and fantasies.  Whether The Add-On’s Lover’s sexual style is internally or externally gratified is a matter of close examination because his inability to focus on any one person at a time tends to point toward an internal style of lovemaking focused more on the realization of his own sexual fantasies rather than any one persons.  However, once he is immersed in his fantasy sexual ménage of multiple partners he may exhibit externally gratifying tendencies that allow him to pleasure his partners over himself in a multiplicity of ways… The landscape with this as well as every other scenario is always in the grey range because people are ultimately seldom that predictable.  Sexual tastes change over time, they almost never remain the same. 

18. THE TEKKIE LOVER:

The Tekkie Lover is a slave to technology and he even extends his obsession into the bedroom with webcams, video recorders, wide screen projectors, etc., etc., etc., anything to memorialize and express sex in a way that employs technology is this man’s fantasy.  Like The Handyman Lover, The Tekkie Lover may also employ high tech sex toys and gadgets even medical devices that monitor body conditions.   There is no particular sexual pattern that typifies this genus he may be internally or externally gratified.  Like the Gadget-man or Tool Chest Lover he typically has a very robust imagination and is likely one who inspires creative and engaging sex.  One of the characteristics of The Tekkie Lover is his playback tendency.  Whether due to a desire to perfect his craft or to visually re-live the experience a Tekkie Lover wants to preserve his sexual activity in a permanent video or pictorial even sound recorded form for some future retrieval.  This may be the same man who is an avid sports enthusiast, taking the same pains with sex as he does with football or basketball to analyze the blow by blow footage of his favorite sport. 

19. THE OLYMPIC LOVER:

Everything is a contest with this man and sex is at the top of the list.  If there were a gold medal for sex he would have several of them framed and hanging from his rear view mirror, over his bed or his makeout couch.  Although one wants to define The Olympic Lover as having an internally identified lovemaking style focused on personal achievement of selfish sexual goals it is also quite plausible that he can be externally gratified finding utmost pleasure in pleasing his partner but basking in gratitude and empirical manifestations of sexual appeasement and satisfaction from his partners.  

20. THE ROUGHHOUSE LOVER:

The name speaks for itself but not unlike The Loud Lover, The Roughhouse Lover finds sexual gratification in using overt forcefulness in a very loud and obvious way in order to personify his sexual bravado.  This is not a bad characteristic at all especially for those who either like to be roughed up within the context of sex.  The problem with the roughhouse lover is that he has no comprehension of or respect for subtlety.  If you are a person who prefers gentle sex and a softer version of romanticism then this is clearly not the man for you.  Be certain that The Roughhouse lover is not overcompensating in his manner for an inadequacy in his self-consciousness of manhood in general.  Some men feel that they must be aggressive and forceful and rough in sex because they are men.  Such men have clearly misunderstood the very meaning of manhood and substituted grossly exaggerated facsimiles of vignettes they have come to interpret as manly.  Because it is difficult to undo years of conditioning, teaching a man who feels he has to be rough in sex for no other reason than he heard it growing up and was taught that a man had to be rough in sex you may have to move on if you require a gentler hand.  The Roughhouse Lover is not always but can often be akin to The Liquid Lover in many profoundly dysfunctional ways.  However, some men do truly enjoy rougher sex and their sexual organ may require a more aggressive encounter in order to become aroused and achieve orgasm.  Similarly they may have a penchant for S & M in which case the roughness is merely an expression of their dominance.  Similarly, a man may have a taste for rough sex as the object rather than the stimuli.  Many men like to be pushed and slapped and treated with the semblance of abuse as a sexual stimulant. 

21. THE “I DIDN’T  SEE THE NEIGHBORS” LOVER:

Did he really come to the door butt naked or with his Johnson hanging out? You weren’t home but your neighbors were.  Did he seduce you in the backyard, in front of the living room window, never mentioning that your neighbors just happened to be standing in sight just a few feet away?  After the initial embarrassment he will probably respond, “Well, I didn’t see the neighbors!”  That’s when you know you are dealing with an, I Didn’t See The Neighbors Lover… The I Didn’t See The Neighbors Lover is a close cousin to The Peek-A-Boo Lover and a distant cousin to The Danger Island Lover.  He is not necessarily turned on by the danger of being caught or by being watched by a third party, he just doesn’t give a darn when or where he has sex, he wants it when and where he wants it and he probably doesn’t wait to ask, he just goes for it!  If you’re smiling now you either are this person, are dating him or in a relationship with him or have been with him on some occasion in your sexual history.

22. THE STINGY LOVER:

It goes without saying that The Stingy Lover has an internally-identified sexual style.  No matter whom he is with its all about his own sexual gratification.  He may actually begin his sexual ritual by pretending to be externally gratifying but after conveying a few short samples of his limited repertoire, hooking getting his partner aroused, turning the hook into them and yanking them into the depths of passion he quickly retreats from his former persona becoming either The Lazy Lover or the fully actualized Stingy Lover or a combination of them both.  The Stingy Lover only wants to do what he wants to do and he, like The Rules Of Engagement Lover and The Textbook Lover interposes a completely new dynamic into the lovemaking scenario, one in which he is the sole recipient of pleasure and the administrator of the sexual arsenal and ritual.  The Stingy Lover is not concerned if his partner ever archives orgasm or pleasure during sex he may actually feel as if they are lucky to be privileged enough to please him in a manner to which he has become accustomed… You will know immediately when you have had any romantic or sexual encounter with The Stingy Lover because you will walk away from the encounter empty.  As soon as you discover you are dealing with this genus, that is exactly what you should do, walk away!  If you are bound to The Stingy Lover via vows of some kind then you definitely have your work cut out for you. 

23. THE PEEK-A-BOO LOVER:

How many times have you told the Peek-A-Boo Lover not to try to have sex on the balcony, the front lawn or in the car in front of the neighbors?  He may have taken care of some unresolved stress in the elevator or on your desk at work!  Risky contextual sex can be fun but you do need to manage it especially if Peek-A-Boo is not for you.

24. THE AUTO-EROTIC LOVER:

Men who entertain sex partners only to jack off by themselves in the end are a true mystery to me.  Why in the dickens would a man waste a perfectly good and willing sex partner?  For best results when dealing with The Auto-Erotic Lover take time to check and see if he is either a Born For Porn or Liquid Lover type. If he passes these tests then perhaps he really loves you but simply does not find you sexually arousing.  Tough revelation, right?  Oh well, we have all developed tough skins to guard against such truths.  There is nothing wrong with a man who prefers to jack off or perform any other act of auto-eroticism but when a mature man knows he is in a mature relationship that has a sexual dimension to it which must be mutually satisfactoryy he must make adjustments or clarify his nature for the other party to accept or move on.  Enough said about this genus.  “Bartender, my cocktail is half-full!”

1.      THE IMPOSTOR:

Of all the persona’s The Impostor is the only truly malicactious and the most virulent character, if you should be so unlucky as to meet The Imposter just walk away!  The Impostor is characterized by a total disregard for his partner in every way.  One wonders why he has even gone through the trouble of having one.  Perhaps some deeply rooted desire to be stealthy or just to be plain old mean.  He will enter into many different sexual relationships with other people even groups and although he is typically not good at keeping his escapades undetectable he will always lie when confronted!   If you really do your homework you will most likely discover you are not the first victim of The Impostor.  The Impostor usually goes for the full marriage and commitment package, usually but typically you are aware of an ex or two and if so take time to interview them carefully.  His game card is typically his sense of family but you will find a long line of deceit and hurt if you ever discover that you are a new link in the chain of deceit and ungentlemanly deeds perpetrated by The Impostor.  Virtually everything you have come to know about The Impostor will be exposed as a lie.  The Impostor is patently internally gratified, he only thinks of himself.  Unlike The Add-On’s Lover he will not offer you the choice of co-signing or joining in on his extracurricular escapades because he is profoundly consumed by disregard and denial.  The Impostor is similar to The Community Chest Lover except for this unforgivable trait of not being able to be open about his sexual partners when confronted.  The Impostor appears to be invested in hurting his partner by allowing them to discover his infidelity then going blank on the entire event as if nothing ever happened, never admitting it or allowing their partner to discuss it with them in a mature forum.  The Impostor is a dark and troubled man who exhibits almost sociopathic disregard for human suffering and emotion while assuming the role of a clueless, virtuous and considerate lover.  I saved the impostor for last because he is truly the last man you should ever consider dating and if you discover his fingerprint after you have married or committed just remember he is the very source of the warning, “BUYERS BEWARE!”

2.      THE ATTENTIVE LOVER:

The Attentive Lover is has a caring and catering personality, he is genuinely concerned that his lover have a comfortable and pleasurable experience and organizes his lovemaking style around sexual elements, techniques and rituals that allow him to closely monitor his partners level of enjoyment and comfort during the lovemaking process.  The Attentive Lover is sometimes the balancing feature for The Lazy Lover or the Laisez Faire Lover and he is most definitely externally gratified.

3.      THE LAISEZ FAIRE LOVER:

Versatility is the hallmark of this man, he is happy when he assumes an internally or externally gratifying sexual style, usually he just goes with the flow.  Unlike The Master Of Ceremonies Lover, he really doesn’t care which role he assumes during the lovemaking process often changing his lovemaking style throughout. 

4.      THE MAGICAL LOVER:

He is a master of the element of surprise and similar to The Man Of Dreams Lover he interjects continual diversity, expansion and excitement into his sexual style.  The Magical Lover will plan an elaborate ritual with which to seduce his partner consisting of many unexpected and often extravagant turns and twists to surprise his lover in his romantic game of erotic suspense.

5.      THE MAN OF DREAMS:

The Man Of Dreams wishes to explore every fantasy he has ever had and he is eager to learn yours as well.  Like the Magical Lover he may trick you into sharing your fantasy at one time and then surprise you by meticulously planning and playing it out at an unexpected time in the future.  Since there can never be an end to a man’s sexual fantasies this man is a keeper if you are the kind of person who likes a spicy twist in the bedroom or wherever you happen to be making love.

6.      THE STAGING LOVER:

The landscape, or should I say Lovescape, will always be amazing with this man at the drawing board!  He is also the consummate playboy with everything planned, music, wine or cocktails, hors d’ oeuvres, lighting, olfaction, just the perfect sexy ensemble… It’s just like moving along a stage set for romance.  This Lover genus can go either way with respect to his lovemaking style so stay alert, you’ll not want to miss any portion of this performance.  Closely related to The Magical Lover and The Attentive Lover this man is really just too wonderful to let go, so go along with him and enjoy the ride.

  

Yes even though we hesitate to call it "Style", even the very worst of lovers have some distinct, if not predictable, style to their lovemaking.  For the most part I believe that most men truly try their best to be as proficient as they can be when it comes to making love and having sexual encounters they feel they will be held accountable for.  As I have noticed my cocktail nearing its end, sucking the last essences of liquor from the ice cubes, the rim of my glass, I find I have also reached an appropriate closing point for this article.  Therefore, gentlemen, I thank you for taking time to digress with me from your daily cares and responsibilities and I do entreat you to take further action to apply some of what I have discussed and explicated while yourselves navigating through the deep waters of human sexuality.  Remember that above all, sex and lovemaking should be treated as a romantic art form and it should be fun and entertaining never oppressive or dull, mean spirited or selfish.  If you find that you are not able to meet the very high standards that truly refined gentlemen set for themselves when it comes to sexual the expression of lovemaking and romance then stay the lance man! Regroup! Gather yourself and regenerate your stamina so you can come back to the joust with a full spirit lusty and fine…

FIN

Written by David Vollin on 8-3-12

For: FOR THE BROTHAS: A VIRTUAL, INTELLECTUAL, CULTURAL SALON

At:  www.forthebrothas.blogspot.com