NOTES ON CONFLICTS WITH THE “PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE” TRAIT IN INTIMATE HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS

**These notes were expanded upon from my original response to an online post and discussion of passive-aggression in The Male Mind Media.

Gentlemen, it appears we need to define the term, "Passive-Aggressive". I always like to begin a discussion with a clear explanation of just what I am talking about so that the reader does not confuse my opinions with their own or with other preconceived notions. In my opinion the passive-aggressive behavioral trait is expressed when a person refuses to provide any tangible input at all, remaining silent, insensitive or "Passive" as a reaction to very intense and specific stimuli. To do so, that is, to remain antiseptically cool in the face of a social occurrence which seems to elicit the opposite reaction, a reaction that is hot, delivers a powerful nonverbal response which may or may not be interpreted as aggressive depending on the situation. For example: someone calls me an MF and expresses other audible and physical language that they are angry. It becomes clear that the person is indeed angry and even perhaps violently so and having made the first heated attempt at communication it is now quite clear that the ball in my court to provide a human response. At that point I could intervene and attempt to calm them down or remain emotionless leaving them to consider whether I am afraid, indifferent or silently and deceptively prepared for a positive strike. In order to qualify as passive-aggressive I would have to convey with nonverbal language that I was tolerating them with a hidden intent to strike at any moment; Right? The correct answer is "Wrong"? Passive aggression can utilize meekness and even cowardice or indifference to deliver a substantially powerful punch in the nose! The key is to understand if a person is truly employing classic passive-aggressive tactics or if they are genuinely intimidated or indifferent! Depending on whether a person is passive-aggressive themselves and depending upon their skill in detecting and analyzing patterns in human behavior they might completely overlook the obvious because it is simply not obvious to them.  A person who is passive-aggressive typically knows they are such and they are constantly at work perfecting their craft but there are always exceptions to every rule…

Allow me then to add to my definition of the term, "Passive-Aggressive” a hypothetical spin on the dynamics involved when the application of that communications management technique/characteristic is applied within the context of a relationship. Let me simulate, if you will a "Worse Case Scenario" for that behavioral phenomenon I call passive-aggression syndrome.








Example-#1: One partner, (the passive-aggressive case), has been accused of being selfish when it comes to deciding what activities the couple will participate in. The accused agrees to accompany their partner on an excursion chosen by the other partner and on said excursion the first major activity decision arises. The accused remains cool allowing the other partner to make the choice and the accused remains cool showing little interest or enthusiasm, allowing themselves to become noticeably distracted by trivial phenomena within the immediate environment but not expressed as an outright protest, rather veiled as a mist of undefined discontent. Since the excursion is intended to be a mutually enjoyed event intended to bring them together the other partner, noticing the accused is not focused or engaged succumbs and Segway’s into an activity which they already know will be enjoyable to the accused. The accused has utilized a nonverbal, passive-aggressive technique to control the flow of activities playing upon the sympathies of their partner. If the partner were to continue on s if there were no issues whilst the accused was noticeably disengaged the accused would continue to employ their guilt-trip and mindfuck on their partner intending to cause them to feel guilty for being assertive and demanding that they share activities that did not respond exclusively to the likes of the accused.


The passive-aggressive tool is a very effective and powerful one if executed successfully and it is often a choking device that when unraveled may result in intense resentment and breakup. In this case, every time a decision must be made, small or large, it becomes a tryst, a debacle, a fight for dominion. It is easy to see, given the variables, why two people estranged because of a passive-aggressive conflict might determine themselves to be incompatible...


By David Vollin

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