FOR THE BROTHAS: AN INTRODUCTION

It must have been about 20 years ago when I first began thinking about creating a "Cultural Salon" as a reaction to the mundane social circles In Washington D.C. The richness of intellectual and artistic interchange had died, college friends had moved, the internet had not yet become the phenomenon it now is... I romanticised about the Salons of the mid to late 1800's in Paris, London and Berlin and the cultural dynamo of the Harlem Rennaisance. I was fortunate enough to meet a gentleman, an artist who lived and traveled with James Baldwin... Jimmy he affectionately called him, and he spoke often of their small cottage in southern France and of the many Artists, Poets and Luminaries that dropped in to chat and relax. Well, the impressionists, cubists, modernists, etc. all hung out together famously in those days and shared their ideas with one another creating a creative greenhouse in a world that was rapidly changing. I longed to have lived in those times, to have met Cassat, Rodin, Ellington, Fitzgerald, Baker, Balwin, well I did finally meet Baldwin and others purely for the joy of intellection upon the arts. This was in the late 1980's and by the mid 2000's I happened to run into a friend of mine from Hampton University who had been living in New York since he graduated in the early 90s. Well, I was surprised to hear him comment that in all of the wonder that is New York he never met anyone who ever really had anything interesting to say about art, literature, architecture, science, fashion or anything... I was so surprised to hear this since it had also been my experience. Well here I am in 2011 attempting the Virtual Salon...

Sunday, August 14, 2011

RELATIONSHIPS 101: Some Ground-Rules for Twenty-First Century Romance...

Maintaining a successful relationship in the twenty-first century is not a difficult task at all once you get started. As a man who has not been "hitched" for over 10 years now I should hardly be the expert... right? Well, that generally depends on what you call a relationship. I humor myself thinking that for the past decade I have actually been in a relationship with the idea of being in a relationship, if that makes any sense... Lots of people are in love with the idea of being in love, indeed the divorce




statistics and the ex-statistics for non-contractual lovers convey a sullen testament to the credibility of their ideas. The distinction between them and me is that they married the object and I played it safe by marrying only the idea! Even those who have never weathered the tumults of a separation will agree that a conceptual breakup, (in or out of the laboratory), would be considerably less draining than the real thing. A cynic would say I let caution keep me from ever giving love a chance. A playboy would comment that I kept my options open. But I maintain that the basic ingredients necessary to even entertain the possibility of a mature and functional relationship must be demonstrated prior to taking action.  

It's difficult for me not to come across as the east coast liberal that I am... so I have grown fond of being the city boy who loves and has seen virtually everything... and I wear it like a finely woven hat... so I have included all of the types of relationships that are known to me... straight, gay, bisexual... (if I missed one let me know) and I am fortunate to live in a place where race and ethnicity place no restraint on who people chose a mate.  I feel most comfortable amidst the greatest diversity... And I naturally gravitate to the city...  so I also appreciate a very healthy dose of decadence... I figure it's generally expected of urbanites to live a bit more excessively... be a bit more over the top... so who am I to ruin all that wonderful expectation?  The reality is that we city dwellers are not that much different from our suburban and rural cousins... except that we see diversity on such a magnanimously greater scale it simply becomes our every-day world. 

There should be certain 'Ground-Rules" that govern how human interactions should be processed, a policy if you will... or a set of policies to super-ego the human libido into compliance with what some folks call simple horse sense! How horse-sense if going to help humans find the perfect mate is far beyond my comprehension... but you gotta start somewhere!
 
So there you have it folks, a self-proclaimed bachelor, with many past relationships under his belt, professes to give advice on, of all things, how to maintain a healthy relationship. The closest parallel I can imagine would be to interview a war hardened general about war. This discussion would be of no interest to those living in domestic bliss unless you have an uncanny curiosity about how the other half lives! For the other half wondering why you are the other half, unable to get to the other side, or unsure of what side of the divide your feet are most firmly planted this discussion could very well change your life by changing the life of your romance or romances whichever is most applicable. For those who could care less... you fall into the rare and coveted category shared by those living in domestic bliss... hope you will be entertained. For those currently in the throes of a tumultuous romance... it may be a helpful aid to make a fresh pitcher of martinis to accompany this reading. To all my curious and indifferent readers... please do enjoy and of course... Cheers!




Lets start with the definition of "Relationship." This is a critical point of discussion because love and the dynamics of human interaction are subjective, unique to each of the individuals within it. Each person has their own "qualifiers" for a relationship so while one person imagines himself to be forming the foundations of a firm and exclusive partnership another may regard it merely as a fling. Long I pondered the popular nomenclature associated with what we Americans call, "A Relationship" and finally isolated it's many variations into a small list. As is the case with many American terms the type of relationship may be quantified by the name one applies to the other party/parties within it. Ladies and Gentlemen, we have all read Kinsey or a by-product of the ground breaking Kinsey Report in the past so please do not be offended by my candid language, it is intended to elicit intellectual objectivity and as such I did not censor any terms but spelled them out honestly as follows:

  • A Date
  • A Boyfriend or Girlfriend
  • A Beau
  • A Hook-up
  • A Lover
  • A Marriage
  • A Fling
  • An Affair
  • A Menage-Trois
  • A Swinger
  • A Friend
  • A Gigolo
  • A Call Girl/Boy
  • A Hooker
  • A Phone-Bone
  • A Partner
  • A Significant Other
  • A Main Squeeze
  • A Boo
  • A Piece
  • A Trick
  • A Ho
  • A Fuck-Buddy
The list goes on and on and is open to addition, please feel free to provide your own in lieu of this short list.




The first "Ground Rule" of twentieth-century romance is a very simple but difficult one because it goes against our human instinct to quantify, identify and package unknown phenomenon within our general experience, simply put:


Rule #1. "NEVER PRECONCEIVE A RELATIONSHIP"



My advice for those who are most vulnerable to cupidity is to invest in extra padding for that fainting couch so you can get the most out of the head rush... but extreme caution is advised to those who see love in the face of a stranger because love is informed by knowledge. That is not to say that love will not be forthcoming... but give it time, plant it's seeds in fresh soil, space them generously, do not drown them, stand back and let nature do it's work. Now all relationships require nurturing... but just because you feed it chocolate does not mean it will develop into a "Hershey's Kiss." Love, and the relationships in which it reveals itself cannot be managed in such a way...

Rule #2. "NEVER USE A RELATIONSHIP TO CHANGE A PERSON"

Since personality is the one unique trait humans have learn to respect them. People are not design challenges on reality TV or science fair projects and they certainly are not pets. The process of getting to know another person requires understanding and accepting their many idiosyncrasies, a process which takes considerable time. The window to decide if you can live with your partners habits and personality is in the early stages of association. Although foreign and annoying to you, these personality characteristics truly represent the intrinsic signature of another person. Simply put, you must either love them as they are unconditionally or move on in the hope that the next subject will present fewer challenges. Fall in love with the whole person, not just those parts of them you love to love. Be honest with yourself because this takes higher a higher order of maturity that you either do or do not possess. Never subject anyone to a whirl-wind of drama in which they struggle to conform to your sense of normalcy because this path is seldom successful nor should it be for obvious reasons. If you are one of those misdirected idealists who are attracted to relationships as if they were a house renovation project then tighten your tool belt! Pruning another person’s personality is much like pruning a bush, it will retain it's desired shape for a short time but will eventually begin to revert back to its own natural shape. If you cannot let your partner be free them set them free! Enough said!

Rule # 3 "CLEARLY IDENTIFY YOUR PERSONAL RULES OF OPERATION"

Once you are both aware that some kind of relationship is starting, without preconceiving it, simply engage in a candid discussion concerning your rules for social interaction. This is not a time to be prudish or shy because it may very well guide you into a good or bad groove depending on how it is handled. It is important to establish this open forum because during the lifetime of the relationship you must constantly revisit the rules of operation as you and it evolve. The problem with a covenant is that it set in stone and quickly becomes obsolete with respect to the way a relationship has changed. If I allowed myself to enter into any covenant at all either written or verbal it would contain the condition that every 6 months or whatever arbitrary timeframe seemed logical at the time, the terms of the covenant would be up for discussion, re-evaluation and re-adoption, modification or elimination, including the covenant itself.

If sex is a dynamic of an evolving couple it is important to establish a healthy understanding of where both parties stand with respect to sexual activity outside of the relationship. The worst thing to do when you first meet, have sex with, and begin to enjoy another person is to blindly cut off all established relationships. If you are moving into a healthy direction it will become apparent over the course of time and other relationships will become accessory or ancillary but be sure you are on the same page with your partner before tearing up that black book! You may not be adding any new entries, which might not be a good thing before you are certain that a hold is appropriate but keep that book as an insurance plan the same way you backup your important files at work.

Remember that rules are only abstract, intangible ideas; humans are in love with the idea of being in love and in harmony but at the end of the day their fealty to such noble constructs must be proven by deed! Don't fall in love with the contract! Contracts are broken every day... the best way to manage a relationship based on established rules of operation is not to manage it at all... just keep your eyes open! A healthy relationship can never function to the satisfaction of both parties when there is excessive, "PUSSY MANAGEMENT"! Since you cannot physically be with your partner 24 hours a day there will always be a possibility that they will enter into, continue or re-establish an accessory relationship without honoring the terms of honor established in the rules of operation. Libido is a powerful thing y'all... and must be respected as such which leads to the fourth rule...

Rule #4. "NEVER ALLOW SEXUAL FIDELITY TO BECOME THE PRIMARY MEASURE OF A RELATIONSHIP"

A relationship that survives over many years becomes a deeply rooted partnership, owing to a time-tested companionship sustained by the social dynamics of partners who honestly enjoy sharing their lives with each other. As a relationship matures sex alone is no longer the primary glue holding it all together. By this time sex has been replaced over and over again by different facets of shared interest nurtured over many years and experiences that provide a unique bond commonly called friendship. Sexual fidelity is a selfish concept grounded in our sense of insecurity especially in the early stages of a relationship, before real friendship including its shared struggle and accomplishment has been established as a strong foundation for companionship. Many married and established couples pride themselves in having established healthy relationships that are not solely based on sex, however statistics show that many established relationships are ended due to un-reconcilable issues due to infidelity. I am not saying that couples should have an open-door sex policy, this is a private matter unique to each relationship. What I am saying is that when more energy is being expended to verify a partner is sexually faithful than simply enjoying that partners friendship and companionship the role of "PUSSY MANAGEMENT" begins to kill the free and natural function of a relationship between persons who might otherwise genuinely enjoy one another socially in so many ways. Remember you cannot nor should you ever wish to control the behavior of another adult. Their independent actions will tell you where they are in comparison with yourself. You must have something more substantive to fall back on in a relationship other than sexual fidelity. Would you justify living with someone whom you absolutely despised and had no mutual compatibility with for 20 years simply because they never engaged in sex outside of your relationship? Remember, "THE PATH YOU TAKE IS THE CHOICE YOU MAKE"!


Even though it is arbitrary, people like to cluster rules into neat sets that are iconic, thus easily digested. For example, the Moses of Biblical exodus undoubtedly struggled with the commandments he was given, and with no pen and pad he surely forgot a few or edited them down based on the finite space on those stone tablets and owing to their weight. Had Moses been a powerlifter as much as twenty commandments might have been recorded, but in the efficiency of weight and time he could only carry a stone big enough for the 10 of legend. Now in the event that God actually smote those tablets with lightening carving their shapes as well as engraving them, (as dramatised in the Charlton Heston classic), Moses of Hollywood would have gotten the, "Hook-Up" since it is doubtful that he climbed the mountain equipped with a chisel and mallet. Even so, it's worth a rewind to see if he had a tool belt underneath his tunic. Archaeologist's may yet find an ancient tool belt on that mountain fully equipped and bearing Moses' initials... and perhaps a logo the equivalent of whatever the Home Depot of that time would have been... If this isn't sound enough rationale for adding one more rule to the list I don't know what else possibly could...
The last ground-rule, you may think, is a bit redundant... But thanks to our salivating friend Pavlov we have learned a great deal about the way humans think and whether metaphorically, subliminally or directly stated this important rule which has been alluded to many times over within the body of this discourse is hereby being elevated from support status to a full-fledged rule. It is no coincidence that it was repeated incessantly as a dastardly scheme to fix it in your consciousness... Admittedly it is a lot less overt and infinitely more tactful than the vintage Subliminal Suggestion skit on Saturday Night Live.


Rule #5 "NEVER RUSH A RELATIONSHIP... TAKE YOUR TIME"

Remember what Kumar did before leaving for Amsterdam prior to being sent to Guantanamo Bay? Very good... He had a quickie... A Quickie can be an extremely satisfying thing for the moment but the funny thing is... we never remember them... they must get sent to some remote memory folder in the brain where they are forgotten, much like the land of unwanted toys. Who wants to create a huge folder of pseudo-relationships that have been forgotten because they were rushed so badly there was never anything of any substance to remember about them. Why... you wouldn't even remember if the sex was good and in my opinion bad sex is like a sin against humanity. There are only two kinds of sex; incredible sex and bad, unmemorable sex. But let me re-focus... this conversation is not about sex... at least not completely... it is about taking your time.
Some people are addicted to quickies. They play out the same tired scenario time and time again including but not limited to; meeting a person they think they will like but preconceiving love from a short series of sexual or nonsexual encounters; rushing into commitments neither party has had time to think through; placing unrealistic expectations better suited for a mature relationship upon one that is not yet established including placing and inordinately high importance on sexual fidelity before existing relationships have been properly concluded. Such relationship, never being allowed time to develop are concluded as soon as they are begun



Rule #6, "A VIRTUAL RELATIONSHIP IS NOT THE SAME AS A PHYSICAL ONE"


How many times do my friends tell me they are having trouble in their relationship and then after extensive interrogation I discover they are referring to someone they have met online.  For those who embark upon that undefinable journey in cyberspace known as a "Virtual Relationship".... BEWARE!  Everything is possible in cyberspace... there is no way to verify anything... that is, if it is your intent to physically connect with your computer paramour.  Pictures can be faked, physical attributes "beefed-up", location, sex, race, ethnicity, age, height, weight, virtually... and I literally mean virtually everything is suspect until subjected to empirical verification!  Similarly, relationships that consist primarily of phone calls and texts, (even though both parties live in close proximity), are almost the same as virtual ones or long-distance relationships to be sure.  For someone who is not interested in   interacting with a real person, this is the most minor of issues but for those who are really looking to form a tactile, human connection including spending quality time face to face with the person they call lover this is a serious problem. 

While you should never pre-conceive a relationship at some point it is essential to make a status report to see where you stand.  Since there is no "magical" timeframe this is open to interpretation but it does not take rocket science to establish if you have a virtual or physical relationship... to determine this ask yourself these questions:

  1. Have you ever seen your lover face to face? If yes how long since the last time?
  2. Do you have your lovers home phone, cell phone and work phone numbers?
  3. Have you ever been to your lovers home? If yes how long since the last time?
  4. What is the longest time you have spent with your lover? How long since the last time?
  5. How often do you see your lover? What is the average time you spend together?
  6. How many hours do you spend talking to your lover on the phone per day? Per Week?
  7. How many hours do you spend texting your lover per day? Per week?
  8. Are you acquainted with your lovers family and friends? How often do you see them?
  9. What does your lovers occupation? have you visited their workplace? How often?
  10. What activities do you share with your lover such as working out, shopping, etc.?
  11. How often do you have sex with your lover? Per day? Per week?
  12. How often do you masturbate alone in lieu of being with your lover? Per Day? Per Week?
  13. How long does it take to get from your house to your lovers house?
  14. How often do you go out alone or with friends per week?
  15. How often do you go out with your lover per week?



I know that most articles give you a convenient table to assess if you have a long distance relationship or if you have an intimate one but I am going to give you the benefit of doubt that you can make that assessment yourself.  Do let me know if I am incorrect, I would be happy to review your answers and give you my opinion.  Before I opine on your status it is important that I know what your opinion is.  Generally if you are spending more time over the phone and texting, not actually being in the same place at the same time as your partner most of the time; if you see your lover less than 3 times in a week of 7 days, and if you spend on the average less than 3 or 4 hours with them 1 to 2 times a week you are having a very sparse interaction and are almost on the verge of a long distance relationship.  If you have gone weeks without seeing your partner you do have a long distance relationship and if you have never seen your partner or see them less than once every two to three weeks or even once a week for less than 3 hours at a time with communications via text and phone you have a virtual and/or long distance relationship.  See that wasn't hard at all and you did it all by yourself. 

There is nothing wrong with having a long distance or virtual relationship but if that's what it is you should be aware of it.  For the modern person, there may not be time for anything but an occasional text, email or phone conversation.  For some, just a small amount of interpersonal fellowship can fill the void.  People with very busy schedules may not actually have time to manage a full time up-close and personal partner.  It may be better for them to have a virtual partner with no real ties and responsibilities.  the problem arises if and when you begin to have some kind of emotional connection and want to make the transition from a virtual relationship to a physical one. 

In the final and every other analysis, a virtual relationship is not the same as a physical one. 

A virtual relationship lacks any physical one on one interaction, it is restricted to online video, emails, texts and phone calls.  A virtual relationship including all of the parameters that determine your rationale for attraction to your virtual partner exist only in cyberspace and cannot be verified.  In extreme cases virtual partners may be married but due to extraordinary circumstances are almost permanently separated for long or indefinite periods of time, (years, months).

A long-distance relationship is closer to a virtual relationship because it must rely heavily or entirely upon computer video, email or cellular texting or calls in order to establish communication.  Most long-distance relationships entail long flights or road trips because both partners live many miles apart and daily travel is impossible or impractical except on weekends or some weekdays but not consistently.  In a long-distance relationship both partners may be well acquainted with one anther's friends and family and they may spend infrequent quality time for more than 24 hours at a time.  A long-distance relationship may include partners who live together or are married but separated due to occupation or other variables.

A physical and local relationship is established when both partners live close to each other and are able to enjoy frequent companionship which, owing to proximity may be from a few hours to a few days per week.  It is typical in a physical/local relationship for both partners to share mutual friends and to be acquainted with one anther's family, colleagues and other associations.  the physical/local relationship is most conducive for establishing long standing friendship and understanding/familiarity with another partners personality characteristics.  A physical relationship may include partners who live together or are married. 
Just remember that before you start making moves toward monogamy and such you may be setting yourself up for a big disappointment when you actually have time to spend with your virtual/long distance partner and issues of accountability come to bear.  Keep your eyes open, it is always better than blindly leaping into uncharted water.  which leads us to the next topic...


Rule #7 "DON'T BE AFRAID TO PUT THE BRAKES ON A RELATIONSHIP"

Why am I even saying this? Right? So who has problems ending a relationship these days? Apparently no one... Sometimes it's not just putting on the brakes that is the issue, it's when to put them on...  There are many reasons why people perpetuate what they feel is a viable relationship long after it has ceased to be a constructive one.  I must emphasize that it is most desirable and admirable for partners to mobilize exhaustive efforts to preserve their relationship before throwing in the towel but don't ever be afraid to  put the brakes on if you feel that you need to come up for air.  Never mind what the neighbors, your friends, family, colleagues, church and other institutional associates including fraternity and sorority families will think... Who's living this relationship? You!  If everyone else is so concerned then they can offer you and your partner real support for your decision, otherwise they are just gossip-mongers who have no real vested interest in you or your partners emotional well being.  Being in a relationship gets lonely and very "Real" once you understand that outside of the support from friends and family it comes down to the inner strengths, (or weaknesses), of you and your lover to make things work.  An artist will tell you that it makes it easier to understand the form of a thing when you can stand back and observe it objectively.  This allows you to come back to the canvas with a fresh perspective... Some people mistake a relationship for punishment... it should not be a constant trial of pain, hardship, animosity and struggle.  A relationship should be positively inspiring and beneficial for both parties... most of the time... Every relationship will experience down-turns but when those troubled moments become kamikaze dives... it's time to put on the brakes! 

Rule #8 "REVISIT AND UPDATE THE TERMS OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP FREQUENTLY"

The problem with an inflexible contract, like marriage vows or a rental agreement, is that they are designed to be permanent... but people change... and so do other variables that affect the ability of a person to live up to the terms of the contract...

The fact of the matter is that people and the relationships they form are always subject to change  so in order to establish a healthy grasp on these variables it is important to implement a dynamic and flexible contract that respects the way we change and grow as people.  Forcing one self to abide by rules and arrangements that are no longer relevant to your life is a recipe for disaster... it will cause you to resent the contract as well as the person(s) associated with it.  This is because of the innate instinct of humans to be free and more specifically to be held accountable for things that we currently embrace as ideals.  I used the word currently to emphasize the fact that human emotions and sensibilities, philosophies, ambitions, passions are all constantly changing and as long as this evolution is positive and constructive it is a good thing. 

I always reference the sexual revolution of the mid-twentieth century because it was truly a turning point for the way in which human beings thought about relationships.  The old Victorian relationship was virtually set in stone! Marriage vows were sacrosanct, and could only be severed by God himself!  Modern men agree that it is more beneficial to have a flexible arrangement allowing them to transition in and out of relationships with considerably less difficulty should necessity require.  In defense of the "Old Ways" they did represent a wonderful sense of order, consistency and self-restraint.  However anyone who has ever been in a dysfunctional relationship knows that not being able to escape, renovate or tweak it can be one of the most devastating and depressing episodes in a persons life.

I am not advocating a watered down form of commitment by any means... because the level of commitment between a couple at any time is simply what it is regardless of what has been written on paper and signed by decree.  It is what is is... Revisiting the terms and conditions of a relationship frequently has several advantages:

  1. It keeps couples in touch with their emotions for one another by reaffirming love or documenting the loss of love.
  2. It allows couples to manage significant changes in their lives such as fluctuations in income or work load, work location changes or changes in their daily routines including hobbies and extracurricular interests.
  3. It can help couples track the evolution of their relationship so that they can monitor it and gauge if they are moving too fast or if they are not moving aggressively enough in any aspects of their companionship.
  4. It can help couples manage changes in emotions so that they are not faced with drastic shifts in compatibility if they remain honest in their regular assessments.  In this way nobody "Drops the Bomb" on their partner without them both seeing it coming. 
  5. It sets the tone for a realistic and comfortable relationship based on terms that reflect the changing needs of all parties in the partnership at any given time by deleting or modifying terms that did not work or were not effective at meeting the goals and objectives of the relationship. 
  6. It forces partners to pay attention to one another!
  7. It interjects a wholesome dose of reality so that all parties are conscious of the fact that their relationship is not set in stone for good reason... it can change or be abolished at any time so no one party can take ungainly advantage of the other because of a contractual "GOTCHA" that makes traps the other party into an arrangement they no longer want.
  8. It respects and celebrates the right of each partner to change and the duty of each partner to respect that change. 
As a society we tell couples that communication is an important hallmark that will preserve the longevity and happiness of a relationship.  The irony is that we then lock them into inflexible contracts that have nothing to do with communication... so they stop communicating since everything is set in stone what is there to discuss? Nothing is negotiable... the terms are either going to be honored or abandoned.  What a ridiculous arrangement! As a society we are fearful of choice and freedom because it may mean that some relationships will be ended.  That is life! Writing something down and setting it in stone only serves to haunt and inconvenience those who signed off in the end.  Better to be mature about it and shoot for the moon with frequent utility checks along the way.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

THE ROLE OF ETIQUETTE IN TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY CULTURE: A Gentlemans Guide to Civilised Living.


INTRODUCTION: AN EXAMINATION ON THE THEORY AND PRACTISE OF ETIQUETTE

Emily Post's most timely observation at the time she wrote her first book of etiquette was that, "Everything has now changed because of the War."  Indeed, Ms Posts prophetic works served to acknowledge a socioeconomic and cultural shift that began with the American and French Revolutions, rumbling during the Civil War and World War I., but that became incontrovertible after World War II.  The aristocracy and it's codes of hierarchical status with corresponding standards, (and double standards), of behaviour ceased to have relevance in a world where the common man began to seize his personal rights from the vacuum left by the eradication of despotic traditions spanning thousands of years of human history.  The pendulum began to swing in the opposite direction of absolute control.  But as a result, time tested prescriptions for civil human interaction were being discarded over night.  Like the great manifesto of the Bauhaus, these bourgeois ideals were being purged and mankind had now a chance to start from zero...  I imagine Emily Post envisaged herself as the medium through which a more thoughtful transition could be made... a "think-tank" if you will for the preservation of human decency in a time of anarchy.  Notwithstanding, it could be argued that a less noble intention was to desperately preserve the nuance and spirit of the privileged world in which she was raised... a last rebels stand  for the aristocracy sequestering itself in an antiquated romance with a world defeated by true democracy; now shared with those who would heretofore never be invited into the exclusivity of it's ranks. Her book announced, "bourgeois or not, we are still here together with those who love us".... and so the romance continues...

It has always been my keen theory that although we like to think of ourselves as being thoroughly modern, we are in fact poised within the last stages of the Victorian era... There is a huge cultural lag between The Civil Rights Movement, The Women's Rights Movement, Gay Rights Movement, the rise of workers unions and a host of other important cultural and social movements and their establishment as cultural norms generally acknowledged and enforced matter of right by the population at large. The points between which the socio-cultural revolutions of the twentieth century became law and the point when they will have become assimilated by the American population is the displacement between the policy and culture itself.   The points along the displacement represent the degree to which popular culture has absorbed policy. 

I watched while a woman waited for the door to be held for her as she left a public building.  Beforehand she mentioned she fully expected a man to pay for everything and execute every provision including transportation for a date.  Later, in our conversation over a dinner for which we went dutch, she mentioned that she felt she was not given the same respect as male colleagues simply because of her sex.  I mentioned that I had been raised by my parents in a liberal household that respected the equal  rights of men and women.  Therefore, in an attempt to treat women as equals and not be viewed as patronizing I assumed to refrain from the typical stereotypes associated with Victorian concept of a woman being a weaker and less intelligent, helpless sex.  This meant abandonment of door holdings, and hat tippings and standings up at dinner tables when a woman walked in and a host of other standards of etiquette I imagined would insult a progressive woman wanting to be treated on equal terms with men.  So I informed her that it was not only unethical but confusing for her to expect a man treat her as an equal at work or in the world at large and also administer Victorian courtesies reserved from a time when men definitely used such behaviors to justify the social inequalities they imposed upon women.  I was able to discuss this matter of highly personal nature as a gentleman with a woman of uncompromising beauty, gentility, intelligence and professionalism because we were well acquainted and had established rules for entering into political argumentation.  To me, the way to administer most of the rules of etiquette is by closely analyzing ones context.  The blind and strict adherence to rules of etiquette will produce a sterile and obsequious environment which it is not the general intent.  The general intent of rules of etiquette is to establish basic rules of  social engagement we can all agree to in order to facilitate the many types of  interactions we experience as human beings.  Because socialization should be enjoyable and because it is so specific to the nature of the people who interact including variables such as their level of familiarity and even their temperament etiquette must be modified to meet the demands of the situation.  Peoples who are engaged in business and who have never met will more likely have a more formal application of the rules of etiquette than a father and his son.  So let me get on about the business of identifying some of the matters which I find most in need of review by males living in the early quarter of the twenty-first century.  As this is a very broad subject I am publishing an unfinished version and will be updating the demi-blog constantly during the life of its evolution.  I hope you will enjoy it and contribute to the discussions initiated within its body.


PURPOSE AND MISSION:

If the twentieth-century has evinced anything at all it is that not just popular culture, but culture as a whole evolves at a rapid pace and just like the inexorable updates which characterize our cell phones, computers and technology, culture which moves at light speed must make frequent updates.  The purpose of this Demi

While it's purpose is hugely theoretical and academic in nature the mission of this demi-blog lay at the other end of the spectrum.  As a mature man in my forties I began to increasingly realize how absolutely chaotic the world about me appeared to have grown.  I was and remain happily a product of this tumultuous society which seems not to be able to evolve away from intolerance and incivility as a matter-of right.  Civilised behaviour seems no longer to be the norm... civility has come to be viewed as a weakness in a society where ego has no new horizons save intensified violence and oppression; society is no longer possessed of a release valve so it explodes upon itself.  This I attribute in part to the the global overpopulation of the species we fondly call, "Homo Sapiens."  Indeed, the human footprint upon this delicate planet earth is driving us closer together with unresolved issues of community and our reaction to this phenomenon, since the cold war has been a direct path to self-imposed extinction.  Humans need space... But alas! It is not the lot of us humans to have such luxury of space at the dawn of this new century.  The era of "Manifest Destiny" is long gone... the boundless ancient forests are gone, replaced by malls and industry.  It should all work out very well then since homo sapiens is a highly social organism...  overpopulation should suit man rather than hermitage... and perhaps it does... we just have not figured out how to live in close quarters as well as, for example, our more evolved cousins the ants and bees and highly communal organisms.  Is it a stretch of the imagination to say that these organisms, insects, flattened beneath our feet... have developed a more highly evolved sense of etiquette than we? That may be another argument better suited for entomologists than sociologists.  Well, as a man I am most intimately keyed into those aspects of what is generally considered to be etiquette that directly relate to the behaviour of men.  I am not novel in noting as a mature man, that I am unsettled with the level of tact, or lack thereof, of contemporary males, men and gentlemen.  Go back through the centuries and you will discover that every mature and cultured man felt his generation was more respectable than the next... I am not without exception, and fall into the long line of men who consider themselves to be highly acculturated gentlemen who deem themselves to be polished, a vanity I admit with tongue-in-cheek.  Although it dates me... I have no issue with history... and so am pleased to administer my opinion, acknowledging that it is indeed only... my opinion and not gospel nor any incontrovertible law of earth and cosmos.  I will state here and now that in my humblest of opinion and to the best of my knowledge no person has died and made me king of etiquette.  My opinion is not sacrosanct! I am no living epitome of style no dais has been carved  for me upon Olympus!   "On With It then Man!  State Thou Mind and Be Done"!  For the benefit of men, who in their busy lives have not time to muse upon the particular aspect of a gentleman's behaviour and presentation; for men who had not had the benefit of tutelage from an elder man who, himself was a gentleman having the ability to impart his wisdom; for established gentlemen who endeavour to entertain and perhaps enlighten themselves, who appreciate the ever constant task of refinement, the mission of this demi-blog is to inform, advise, debate and entertain males, men and gentlemen of what passes for civilised gentlemanly behaviour in this first quarter of the twenty-first century. 

ON MALES, MEN AND GENTLEMEN...

In the last sentence of my statement of mission made a clear delineation between males, men and gentlemen for depending on the level of maturity and enlightenment we will fall into one of these broad categories.

The term, "Male" is a label intended merely to identify sex.  We believe masculinity to be determined at the instant of conception, a random selection of two sets of chromosomes that fuse to form one master DNA.  An infant, child, boy and adolescent is a male.  Although our culture does not any longer preserve ancient rites of passage from boyhood to manhood it is still a very important philosophical transition.  A male of our species carries no responsibility, he is still in the lengthy process of nurturing and tutelage that will ultimately allow him to assume the responsibilities of manhood. 

Although the prerequisite for manhood is that one must first be a male the status of manhood must be earned through years of practise.  Young males role-play imitating the mannerisms of men who they admire.  It is not until they coordinate the behavior with their complementary responsibilities to self, family, community and environment that males make the successful transition into manhood.  Men are principled, reasonable and grounded to an ethical foundation that places them in a position where integrity drives their shared stewardship of humanity and its environment as a whole. 

While manhood is the primary level of achievement for most males, there is an even higher level of refinement, and this echelon is reserved for gentlemen.  In the past the term gentleman was used to identify men of the highest socioeconomic status who were bound by an intrinsic code of ethics and behaviour called etiquette.  Because these were typically men of leisure, it was thought that they had time to more eloquently develop mannerisms deemed to be hallmarks of polite society.  By today's standards a gentleman is still considered to be a man who has transcended the rudimentary faculties of manhood having refined his demeanour and philosophy to far exceed the basic achievements of manhood.  The term is easily construed as being dandyish, foppish and even dilettante in nature.  Hollywood has done it's very best to blow up the term into larger than life proportions but the concept is really quite simple.



A GENTLEMAN SHARES AND REQUESTS PERSONAL DATA: What types of personal data a gentleman should disclose and what types of personal questions he should or should not ask.

A gentleman does manage himself in such a manner that he neither discloses personal matters nor violates the privacy of others with the exception that it is the nature of his occupation and he is conducting professional business or that he communicates with family including close associates concerning matters of mutual and established history when appropriate.

It is important for a gentleman to understand the proper rules of socialization so that he may not either offend others or present himself to them as rude and unrefined.  When asking a question, any question at all, a gentleman must first be sure that his audience, the recipient of his inquiry, is ready to receive his quire.  This means that he must take time to properly assess the object of his inquiry to gauge if it is apropos. 

When a gentleman approaches one or more persons who are already engaged in conversation it is rude for the third party to break in either redirecting the subject or jumping in on an established line of communication.  The gentleman ,who is the third party, will stand by waiting to be acknowledged and only when given a clear directive to intercede will he proceed, first thanking the first and/or second party(s) for allowing him to intercede.  On no account should a gentleman "Bogart" an established conversation by charging in without having been first acknowledged and given leave to speak, for this is the ultimate insult to one or more persons who are happily engaged in a conversation.  By showing deference, the gentleman is telling his audience that he respects the importance of their communication even though he may feel that his particular issue is more important.  The obvious and only exception is when in the event of an emergency a gentleman wishes to warn one or more parties, who are previously engaged in conversation, of an imminent matter of danger.  Otherwise never interrupt an established conversation without due cause.  If the party(s) you wish to interrupt do not acknowledge you, or do so but resume their conversation without offering to allow you to join, the the gentleman should wait until the conversation is over or until he is given proper leave to intercede.  If the conversation is lengthy and the party(s) do not gesture to wait or to see them another time then a gentleman should assume that he is not excused and that the parties do not wish to engage him at that time in any type of conversation.  This is why only a simple, kind nod of acknowledgement is required to say, "I see that you are already engaged and I intend to move on, hope to catch you at another opportunity for conversation."  Likewise, a gentleman should not hold anyone at bay any longer than a minute or two if he has no intention of taking time to speak with them or listen to what they have to say.  The gentleman may politely nod, acknowledging the outside parties presence without insulting his fellow conversant by interrupting them.  When he realizes that he will not be able to speak the gentleman should interrupt his ongoing conversation politely excusing himself and perhaps introducing both parties notifying the third party, "I am so sorry that cannot take time to speak with you at this moment, however please do contact me as soon as possible especially if it is a matter of extreme importance."  In this way the gentleman has neither offended his fellow conversant by interrupting them at a mere whim, nor has he offended the third party by acknowledging them and quickly rejecting their offer to cut in on an already established conversation.  To the contrary, he has both acknowledged the third party and that their message is important to him even if it is not. 


A gentleman should never ask  how much money a person earns as wages or inquire as to the nature of their personal finances except when it is legal policy during a business transaction.  If someone chooses to disclose this information whether they be an close acquaintance or a stranger then they have elected to disclose a matter of utmost privacy.  Even though a person may initiate such an improper personal disclosure, a gentleman will refrain from delving further into details of another persons finances but he may listen politely so as not to be rude since he has been trusted with information of a highly personal manner.  The gentleman will also refrain from disclosing or discussing any item of another mans personal finances when they have been disclosed to him as a matter of mutual trust such trust shall be assumed to be the intent. 

A gentleman should never demand of another gentleman, or of a woman disclosure of their occupation unless it it a matter of mutual business in which such data is required and germane.  If a man or woman should disclose their occupation freely within the context of a conversation with the gentleman then it may be duly noted.  A gentleman should never eavesdrop upon a private conversation while other persons are discussing and therefore disclosing matters of their occupation; it should be assumed that their conversation is private and sacrosanct unless they should formally invite the gentleman into their circle of discussion.  Likewise, the matters discussed should remain between the parties in the discussion especially involving  the details of the other parties occupation.  If a gentleman wishes to disclose matters of his own occupation it is perfectly reasonable but it should never be done in a condescending manner and a gentleman must always be sure he is not perceived to brag about his occupation even when being challenged.  Which leads us to another dynamic of personal disclosure. 

It is fine for a gentleman to disclose some information of a general personal matter within any social context as a means of familiarizing himself to others.  But the gentleman must be vigilant that his audience is particularly interested and curtail his conversation accordingly in acknowledgement of the politeness of his associates if he perceives they are quietly enduring his banter.  He will be sure not to brag or seek to demean  or belittle others in comparison.  Respect for the views and opinions of others regardless of whether the gentleman agrees is paramount.  In cases in which either the gentleman or his colleagues become uncomfortable with the nature or intensity of a discussion or account of personal matters the gentleman should excuse himself and politely remove himself from the conversation.  Although profanity is subjective depending on whether one is religious and therefore actually considers a word, phrase or idea to be sacred or profane it is not polite to use it in public or within the professional milieu.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

NATIONAL MEMORIAL TO AFRICAN AMERICAN ENSLAVEMENT: CONCEPTUAL DESIGN

Back in 1982 I began to imagine a design for a museum that would document the struggle and contribution of the period of African American Enslavement in The United States of America.  After researching different sites along the east cost I finally decided to chose a rural  site along the James River near the first settlement of Jamestown Virginia rather than The National Mall. 



The contributions that African Americans have made to The United States of America are many, however the single greatest contribution was the free labor system of The Slave Trade which enabled a struggling string of European Colonies to rise to the greatest economic and industrial power in the world.  Through the suffrage of both black and white abolitionists and philanthropists and the ultimate sacrifice of thousands of lives of idealistic and brave white soldiers the institution of slavery was finally bought to and end.  For a country that was profoundly invested in the slave trade it took a relatively short time, roughly 100 years after The Revolutionary War, to end slavery altogether.  In another hundred years The Civil Rights Movement would Bring forth a new era of racial and economic freedom for blacks.  As a child I was fascinated with the long period of African American Enslavement.  I wondered about the lives of those born into slavery who longed for a freedom that would elude them in this life.  Surely slaves, seeing themselves as links in the centuries old unbroken cycle felt at times that freedom was only to be had in the afterlife.  How utterly miraculous was freedom for such a people... that heretofore had resolved to die bound to the land... but proud...  I imagined a great hall where the consciousness of all of the ancestors could be collected... but a mere hall was insufficient to contain such a boundless presence... The memorial should be in the very place that these agrarian peoples knew best... the open land...

The lives of most slaves were intimately tied to the agrarian economy of this country.  The first significant cash crop was indigo, next tobacco, and then cotton and finally corn and other grains. Plantation owners descended from the noble houses of England and Europe, the landed aristocracy of young America sat at the reigns of the slave driven economy.  While they lived in a relative opulence reminiscent of the Robber Barons of the Gilded Era slaves lived in uttermost squalor and ignorance.  In large but rare cosmopolitan cities such as Baltimore, Philadelphia, New York, Boston, New Orleans and Washington, D.C. African Americans both freedmen and slaves became reputable entrepreneurs, craftsmen and intellectuals.  But the American economy and the politics that drove it were impenetrable to them.   The free labor enjoyed by American plantation owners/businessmen allowed America to grow into a wealthy world power producing cash crops in the south virtually free of all taxes and wages; exporting their crops to factories in the highly industrialized states of the north or to the global marketplace.  For this reason I chose to create a monument that incorporated these crops as an integral element of exhibition.  The real day to day experience of the slave took place on the thousands of farms and plantations across the south amidst hearty crops growing rapidly in the sweltering summer sun.  Washington, D.C. is a white  collar town and hardly the experience that most slaves would have known;  I wanted a site that would have enough land so that the viewer would be able to immerse themselves in growing fields and crops... a beautiful and natural world where they could visualize things that would have been all too familiar to a slave from the seventeenth century to the nineteenth. 

Water  was also an important feature singly because Africans who had been illegally captured and torn from their homes endured the infamous middle passage across the ocean to North American ports.  Water was the medium that separated them from their old lives and which, likewise held the promise of a return... Water was an integral element in their agrarian livelihoods a metaphor perhaps for the sweat and bloodshed spent in the brevity of their captured lives.  I wanted water to be both the primary means of arrival and departure to the monument and I wanted the monument to be experienced from the water with vessels that ferried visitors around what I envisaged as a very substantial site.  In the late Twentieth Century the term "Sankofa" was coined to symbolize the physical and spiritual return to the motherland for spirits who had been centuries severed from its womb.  If there were a conceptual return then I would that it be from the gateway of this revered site on the banks of the James River on the ancient loam of Virginia where so many of the bodies of the ancestors, including many of the very first, were laid to rest in their last quest for deliverance. 

The site may also be accessed via automobile since this is a more practical means of locomotion to such a remote location.  Ferries and water taxis, bicycles, and small motorized vehicles could easily provide transportation to and around the memorial grounds but the site is vast and would definitely require several hours to be seen and experienced properly in its entirety. 

At the entry a channel opens from the James River.  The channel is truncated so that it is widest at the river flanked by two small islands in the shape of ships... slave ships.  the ships are replicas of actual slave ships and are virtual museums designed to show the visitor what it would have been like to be imprisoned on a slave ship.  The islands are accessible via bridge along an ambulatory walkway that encompasses the site.  I nicknamed the walk, "The Encompass" for this reason since it literally encloses the site. 





The barge moves on the the second obelisk memorializing the second hundred years of enslavement and the crops will change to tobacco on either side.  The memorial will be a living museum with slave quarters just off the rivers edge and the fields will be farmed by men and women dressed in the appropriate attire. 

The next obelisk memorializes King Cotton and the three hundred years since the first enslavement of Africans in North America.  the crop is grown on either side and is the largest of the three cash crops growing along the channel.  Each of he crops is grown on an individual island totally surrounded  by a canal.  the fields outside of the island are all working farmland complete with re-created domiciles, workshops and other features that would have completed a period farm. 

the end of the channel is marked by a round island and quay with an obelisk at its center representing 400 years of African American presence in the Continent of North America.  The barge is compelled to go around the island taking the visitor off center to view the next monumental edifice, The Shrine and Memorial Building of African Enslavement in The United States of America.  The edifice is a Neo-Egyptian Structure consisting of a large columned hall with a long quay stretching the full length of the river front and a large basin along the rear facade.  At the center of the hall is a great freestanding obelisk commemorating the many lives lost to the middle passage.  This feature is located in what I call the hall of the ancestors and is flanked by great propylons containing small shrines to the women and men separately who were born into, lived and died as slaves. 



The conceptual elevation sketches for this project reveal a very robust Egyptian and Greco-Roman Revival style in the Beaux Arts tradition. 



 The front elevation shows a columned facade with  a rusticated base rising from the quays along the water.  Stramps, (stair-ramps), lead up from the low quay to the terrace along the front.  Three propylons interrupt the colonnade, the middle is the primary entry to The Hall of Ancestors which stretches transversely to the entry axis.  Each wing of The Hall of Ancestors has a clerestory and a high ambulatory gallery level from which the skylight can be viewed and from which visitors man gaze down onto the main floor of the halls.  A double pleached allee encompasses the sides and rear of the building and its rear ornamental pond. 

THESE ARE ALL CONCEPTUAL SKETCHES I MADE AND ARE STILL BEING UPDATED
I LOVE THE SIDE FACADE, IT REALLY HELPED ME RESOLVE SOME MASSING ISSUES I DID NOT SEE  IN THE FRONT FACADE.  I REDUCED THE WIDTH OF END PORTICO IN ORDER TO CORRECT THE MASSING AS THE BUILDING TURNS THE CORNER.
THIS IS A VIEW OF THE OBELISK AT THE FRONT OF THE MEMORIAL ON THE ISLAND IN THE FRONT ORNAMENTAL POND

END ELEVATIONS SHOWING SECESSION OF OBELISKS GOING TOWARD THE JAMES RIVE FROM LEFT TO RIGHT.

REVISED FRONT FACADE PERSPECTIVE

DETAIL OF ROOF SHOWING CLEARSTORY AND ACROTERIA, SLATE ROOF, AND CAPITAL/ECHINUS

REVISED END DESIGN SHOWING PLEACHED ALLEE AND BEGINNING OF FOREST

REVISED SITE PLAN SHOWING ALLEE




Over the past few days I have been revising the plans and elevations for the monument.  I am not sure if I am wholly satisfied with the massing and plan to do some alternate facade designs and then cross sections.  the site is most intriguing to me and I have begun to lay out the residential quarters for the botanists, farmers and other agricultural staff. 

One of the features I had not originally incorporated into the design is an amphitheater.  I do see the relevance of creating a space devoted to performance and it seems that this space should be outside.